Duels or “classy show-downs†as they are often called by no one, have been solving hot debates for ages. They’re useful for delivering crowds a champion, through often unpredictable means (just ask Alexander Hamilton). Television loves a surprise, so what better way to measure and battle elements of TV than with a duel? Here, we will battle two characters in an imaginary contest of wills. Sometimes a winner will be crowned because of pertinent facts, and sometimes in spite of them.
This week? Tom Haverford v. Kelly Kapoor in a Fashion Walk-off.
“I love rivalries. Michael or Jim. Paris or Nicole. Heidi or LC. It’s so much fun. But, I guess if I’m really thinking about it and answering your question honestly, I’d have to go with LC. Heidi’s a bad friend. And her skin, is terrible.†– Kelly Kapoor
I love rivalries too, and this one is about the most rivalrous sport of all: fashion. These two fashionistas don’t need Heidi Klum to tell them how to dress (well, maybe Bravo! Heidi Klum, but no thanks, Lifetime Heidi Klum). Both of these sartorialists know “what’s crackin’, boo†and they will aggressively attempt to pierce your ear in a workplace bathroom — whether you want them to do so or not. This is not about stupid crap like Star Wars, meetings, or whatever NATO is. This is about fashion. As Billy Zane would say, “It’s a walk-offâ€.
Fierce Factor
Everyone knows that in order to put the “ista†in fashionista, one needs a little something extra. In this case, that something extra is a ferocious will to verbally cut a b-tch when they mess with your look. This can be done largely over the phone. Kelly, who “knows what a size four feels likeâ€, told someone to go straight to hell after they twice stupidly sent her something marked size four that was clearly the wrong size because it didn’t fit her. However, Tom also really knows how to turn on the phone call complaint heat, especially when people make him ruin two eye creams. So don’t you dare make him ruin two eye creams! Point: Tom
Secret Weapons
Tom knows better than anyone, he is on NBC network broadcast. Watch him Peacock
But c’mon, seriously, Kelly has Subtle Sexuality
Point: Kelly
Makeover Skills
Tom consistently tries to enhance his co-workers’ wardrobes using a method that’s one part suggestion that Ben change his clothing, and two parts disdain for Ben’s clothing. This is commonly garnished with the occasional “eyebrows raised into his forehead†shrug, and soundless drop of his jaw. Ben — and Ron’s post-sexual conquest Tiger Woods outfit — are nothing compared to Tom’s ultimate test: Jerry “soup-stained khakis†Gergich. Tom vanquished/learned from Jerry when they created sweet retro Pawnee Park gear together. Lastly, don’t forget the fact that Tom can take a plain North Carolinian native and cover him in Brooks Brothers boy’s threads and Lady Footlocker sneakers until he is, in his words, a “brown Superman with a beard.â€
However, Kelly — with help from Andy’s vest and hair-combing — made over, or “Pretty Womanedâ€, Dwight K. Schrute, so he could exact revenge on a snobby salesman. (Okay fine, for all you stuck up Eagleton jerks who can’t get enough of GB Shaw — Kelly “Pygmalioned†Dwight.) She turned a “disgusto barfo†beet-stained beast into a “good morning†issuing gentleman — one who fit right in at Steamtown Mall’s Precious Heirlooms and finally bought that crystal ball-toting pewter wizard. Also, Kelly has always been there to tell Michael if his shirt is too tight, how his fun jeans look, or to scream “damnit Meredith where are your panties?!†She also generously offered Erin the opportunity to buy the clothes she is going to donate to Goodwill, which, in her mind, would result in an instant makeover. Point: Kelly
Moves
Kelly took down the same opponent (Andy) in two dance-offs, in the second of which she goaded him on until he punctured one of his scrotation devices. Tom modeled a pair of boots on the catwalk during Treat Yo’ Self 2011 like a slick, smooth, hotness that would make Tim Gunn proud. Also, as one of the former proprietors of the Snake Hole lounge, Tom knows how to bust a move. Plus, Tom’s BFF is Jean-Ralphio, who once danced so hard at an E720 party, he broke a rib that did not heal right and now “every breath is agony, sonâ€. Point: Tom
Outfits
It’s time. Specifically, it’s time for the main event. In other words: “Fashion show! Fashion Show! Fashion Show at lunch!â€
Look #1
Tom’s wearing: A blue slim-fit suit and a coonskin Davy Crockett hat which will earn him exactly zero dates, but will later earn Ron Swanson several propositions.
Kelly’s wearing: The houndstooth newsboy cap and the Juicy Couture sweatsuit she wore to the Crime Aid fundraiser.
Look #2
Tom’s wearing: Sequins! (And on the way back down the runway) Sequins! Minus the gloves. This sequin jacket was first debuted to Leslie and her then-boyfriend Justin, and it reappeared for Treat Yo’ Self 2011. He’s also wearing a shirt that lights up, but being really nonchalant about it.
Kelly’s wearing: Several layers of brightly colored paisley shirts and skirts, as she did on the first three seasons of The Office. However, she is topping it off with a fedora that she stole from Ryan after he wouldn’t tell her where he got it.
Look #3
Tom’s wearing: an eagle medallion (“caw caw!â€) and he is draping that over a disgusting white leather suit.
Kelly’s wearing: her “casual Friday†outfit of denim overall shorts, a boat neck sweater that is a color I’ll call “drunk on Chartreuseâ€, a golden necklace (likely sourced at Claire’s), and a (second, different) houndstooth cap.
Look #4
Tom’s wearing: Velvet slippies, cashmere socks, velvet pants, and a cashmere turtle. He’s a cashmere velvet candy cane.
Kelly’s wearing: The white wedding dress and tiara she wore to Phyllis’s wedding.
Point: Oh god, they both look amazing. Tie. And by that I mean they are now both wearing the same pastel tie, likely stolen from Andy Bernard’s Easter basket closet.
Decision
Tommy Timberlake, or Encyclopedia Brown as his friends call him, is on another level. Not only a “party scientist,†Tom is an official swagger coach and has even branched out into the real man’s game of perfumery. However, what most people don’t know is that Kelly swallowed a tapeworm last night. It’s going to grow up to three feet inside of her and then it eats all her food so that she doesn’t get fat. And then after three months she’ll take some medicine and then pass it. Creed sold it to her. It’s from Mexico.
Winner: Tom, (after Kelly finds out that was not a tapeworm and despite her several hollow threats to kill herself, phony tears and fabricated accusations of rape. Her consolation prize: a meet-cute with one of the fashion walk-off judges, Mr. Billy Zane.)