Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey apparently got into it on the set of American Idol recently. Hey, the audition rounds are always sort of contentious — there was a time when Simon and Randy had a heated conversation or two, wasn’t there? But Nicki doesn’t have to dig too deep the next time she feels like arguing with someone else on the panel. She has plenty of lyrics to fall back on! Well, kind of. As a gesture of helpfulness, Vulture has rewritten some of Minaj’s lyrics for her to make them Idol ready, should the need arise.
“Y U Madâ€
This pussy clean, this pussy squeaky
That pussy old, that pussy creaky
Idol version:
I have different opinions than you
But that’s okay, it’s our job
“All I Do Is Winâ€
Better run for cover if your name is on my checklist
You could talk slick, all the way down to the welfare
Ask the IRS bitch, I’m paying for your health care
Idol version:
When someone can say “Paula Abdul would never do this!â€
We should both take a deep breath
And agree that big fights make us both seem ridiculous
“Baddest Bitchâ€
Been around the world, I still can’t find
Another girl that could steal my shine
I’ve had my highs, I’ve had my lows
But you can’t tell me that I am not the baddest bitch
I’m the baddest bitch, the mistress, I’m the baddest bitch
I’m the baddest bitch, trick, t-trick please, I’m the baddest bitch
Idol version:
Look, the truth is that I’m very confident, and that’s appropriate: I’m very talented and extremely famous.
You’re talented and famous, too, though, and have been for a very long time. Maybe when we to know each other better, I can ask you for some guidance, and you can tell me some crazy stories.
And hey, we have very different skill sets. For example, you don’t rap.
So let’s not play into that exhausted, sexist trope of women always having “cat fights.â€
“I Am Your Leaderâ€
I am your leader, yes, I am your leader
You’re not a believer, suck a big dick
Idol version:
We should do some trust falls
And recognize and praise each other’s strengths so we can collaborate more effectively.
“Still I Riseâ€
You see a bad bitch gettin’ shine, you should love it
Cause every time a door opens for me that means you
Just got a better opportunity to do you
Idol version:
Did you read Cloud Atlas? It’s on my list
The trailer made me curious, but I feel like it’s important to read the book first, you know?
Maybe we can both read it, and if we like it, we can see the movie together.
“Stupid Hoâ€
You a stupid ho, you a stupid ho, you a stupid ho
Idol version:
Different people have different taste, I don’t know why anyone would argue about what “good†music is; it just doesn’t make sense, you know? What a meaningless distinction.