Ranking Stereotypical Looks From the Academy of Country Music Awards
Photo: Getty Images
The Academy of Country Music Awards took place Sunday night (around the same time as that other thing on TV involving the letters A, M, and C), and unlike last year’s more staid affair, some crazy came out to play. Most of what we know about country music comes from ABC’s Nashville, which shuns the genre’s old reputation of being dipped in hairspray and sequins in favor of teaching us that it involves a lot more grit, cardigans, and vintage-looking Anthropologie dresses than anyone thought. Surely TV wouldn’t lie to us; still, we hunted through the looks from One of Country Music’s 43 Biggest Nights of the Year to see what’s truly happening out there. And because everything is meaningless unless there’s a number attached to it, we ranked the most noticeable attendees based on their attachment to those trite old Hee-Haw stereotypes — where one is “No, Hot Topic is that-a-way,” and ten is, “Is that a toothpick in your teeth?” Spoiler: Lots of both.
Shania Twain Who: Just a multiplatinum singer who wrote “Feel Like A Woman,” the song that even Don Draper couldn’t have resisted sticking in fem...
Shania Twain Who: Just a multiplatinum singer who wrote “Feel Like A Woman,” the song that even Don Draper couldn’t have resisted sticking in feminine grooming commercials.
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What: Shania vanished to Switzerland for about a decade, and it shows. From the front this is a babydoll dress that’s unraveling itself, and from the back, it’s what one of those blink-and-you-miss-them “famous bands” would wear to play 90210’s Peach Pit After Dark. And the boots aren’t refried Pretty Woman — they’re reheated remains of refried Pretty Woman.
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Stereotype Rating: 4. Her lion’s mane of ombré hair bumps her up the scale from looking like she thought she was at a Wicca convention. Photo: Getty Images
Jewel Who: Famous singer whose hands are small (she knows). And whose songs were also used in ads for ladyproducts.
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What: Her coral Georges ...
Jewel Who: Famous singer whose hands are small (she knows). And whose songs were also used in ads for ladyproducts.
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What: Her coral Georges Chakra gown is pretty, but also looks like it was designed by a fairy godmother who winters in South Florida and is super-inspired by her condo’s lobby.
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Stereotype Rating: 5. We kind of wish she’d gone full Mandrell (daggummit, does that reference mean we’re old?) with a helmet of hair. Still, the sparkle and the color do seem musty enough for this to feel old-school. Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
Jake Owen Who: Singer of a tune called “Barefoot Blue Jean Night,” among others.
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What: For a hot second, we were like, “Why is Luke Wilson h...
Jake Owen Who: Singer of a tune called “Barefoot Blue Jean Night,” among others.
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What: For a hot second, we were like, “Why is Luke Wilson here, and why is he dressed like Ryan Gosling, if he were a wedding singer?”
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Stereotype Rating: 7. Not so much for the clothes, but for the mere existence of a song called “Barefoot Blue Jean Night.” Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
Taylor Swift Who: Ubiquitous pop/country star; noted serial monogamist; surprised-face enthusiast; president and sole member of the of the I Hate...
Taylor Swift Who: Ubiquitous pop/country star; noted serial monogamist; surprised-face enthusiast; president and sole member of the of the I Hate Tina Fey and Amy Poehler Club.
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What: If we were ranking people on how predictable their outfits are, Taylor would get a 10: She's never met a pretty sparkly dress she didn't like.
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Stereotype rating: 3. This look is really only stereotypically old-school "country" in the sense that spangles are involved. Taylor could easily wear this to the People's Choice Awards or the Emmys (for that inevitable day she decides to go for the EGOT and starts composing original free-form jazz for Homeland or something) and no one would bat a fake eyelash. On the other hand, there are a lot of spangles. Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
Kaley Cuoco Who: Either the only Big Bang Theory star who gets drafted to do every single promotional thing CBS needs, or the only one who agrees...
Kaley Cuoco Who: Either the only Big Bang Theory star who gets drafted to do every single promotional thing CBS needs, or the only one who agrees.
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What: The dress is BCBG; the hair is the heebiejeebies.
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Stereotype Rating: 8. For the updo alone. You could lose Crystal Gayle in there. Shoot, um, we mean Taylor Swift. Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
Carrie Underwood Who: Former American Idol champion and current People cover girl (the headline explains that she wants to be "a hot wife,&q...
Carrie Underwood Who: Former American Idol champion and current People cover girl (the headline explains that she wants to be "a hot wife," unlike most women, who generally aim to be hideous ones).
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What: A very romantic floral Naeem Khan gown.
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Stereotype rating: 0. Like T-Swift's ensemble, this feels like it was chosen from a giant collection in a storage room somewhere marked "AWARDS SHOWS [GENERAL]." It's rather pretty — we are longtime aficionados of patterned gowns — and the only thing stereotypically country about it involves a long, convoluted treatise about how the flowers are enormous, and everything's bigger in Texas, and Carrie Underwood was born in Oklahoma, which borders Texas, and, oh, we give up. Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
Rory & Joey Who: Married singing duo you might recognize from Overstock.com ads a few years ago.
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What: He’s in his signature overalls; s...
Rory & Joey Who: Married singing duo you might recognize from Overstock.com ads a few years ago.
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What: He’s in his signature overalls; she’s in a dress that looks like she frayed and dyed it herself during art therapy.
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Stereotype Rating: 11. Overalls don’t actually need to be anyone’s signature unless you are 2 years old and literally an Osh Kosh model. Photo: Frazer Harrison/ACMA2013/Frazer Harrison/ACMA2013
Sheryl Crow Who: Folksy multiple Grammy winner who recently recorded her first country album; someone who probably knew what Lance Armstrong was ...
Sheryl Crow Who: Folksy multiple Grammy winner who recently recorded her first country album; someone who probably knew what Lance Armstrong was up to before we did.
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What: A ridiculous navy blue jumpsuit.
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Stereotype rating: 7. We can't really call a jumpsuit "country" — although Dolly Parton rocked several in her day, and could very possibly be wearing one right now — but there is something patronizing about the fact that Crow is this blonde and this tan right as she launches her crossover effort. Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
Faith Hill Who: Sunday Night Football theme song-crooner, Mrs. Tim McGraw, and the reason you just unconsciously started humming "This Kiss....
Faith Hill Who: Sunday Night Football theme song-crooner, Mrs. Tim McGraw, and the reason you just unconsciously started humming "This Kiss."
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What: An extremely dangerously high-cut black lace dress that we seriously suspect is supposed to be worn over something else. Besides hot pants, that is.
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Stereotype rating: 3. All three of those points awarded on the strength of the fact that she looks like she's going to a funeral on The Client List, which ... have you heard those fake Southern accents? Raaaahhhhht. Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
Kimberly Perry Who: Lead vocalist of the Band Perry, which sadly involves her brothers and not Luke.
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What: A very crisp silver and white dua...
Kimberly Perry Who: Lead vocalist of the Band Perry, which sadly involves her brothers and not Luke.
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What: A very crisp silver and white dual-skirted number that should look way worse than it does, although it still isn’t very good — Carrie Underwood may suspect it was stolen from her closet in 2008, and she may be right.
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Stereotype rating: 6. That hair is huge. And that skirt is that won’t-ever-die mullet style, which here is clearly a shout-out to Billy Ray Cyrus. Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
RaeLynn Who: You possibly remember her from The Voice, where she was on — of course — Blake Shelton's team.
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What: That’s what we would like ...
RaeLynn Who: You possibly remember her from The Voice, where she was on — of course — Blake Shelton's team.
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What: That’s what we would like to know.
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Stereotype rating: 9. As SNL's Stefon might say, this has everything: tulle, spangles, sparkles, a flower in her hair, and actual cowboy boots — the latter two of which she seems to wear on the regular. If someone showed this look to you and asked you to guess which awards show RaeLynn was attending, there's no way you wouldn't use the word "country" in your answer. Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
Tobi Lee Who: The lead singer of Mustang Sally, a band whose website cites a magazine called Real Woman Redneck (!) in describing Lee as “calm as...
Tobi Lee Who: The lead singer of Mustang Sally, a band whose website cites a magazine called Real Woman Redneck (!) in describing Lee as “calm as a twister in a trailer park.”
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What: Yes.
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Stereotype Rating: 10. Whoops, sorry RaeLynn, you’ve been ousted: The addition of animal print and ruffles and tall, freshly shocked hair gives Tobi the (dubious) win here. All that’s missing is a broken-down car, a man who done her wrong, and whiskey. We would say we should go drink some with her, but if her blood runs as Hardcore Country Amber as this outfit suggests, we’d end up under the table. Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
Shawna Thompson Who: One half of the duo Thompson Square, which won Vocal Duo of the Year.
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What: A loaner from Katy Perry's Dismal period.
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Shawna Thompson Who: One half of the duo Thompson Square, which won Vocal Duo of the Year.
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What: A loaner from Katy Perry's Dismal period.
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Stereotype rating: 1. She couldn't resist a LITTLE glitz, for which we say: thank God. Next year, go shinier. We tease, but honestly, a little old-fashioned cheesy glitz isn’t such a horrible thing. Next time turn it up a bit, and then, to prevent error, break off the knob at about 5 or 6. Photo: Jason Merritt/2013 Getty Images
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