The Best $500K Coachella Shopping Spree Ever!

This weekend, in the desert outside of Palm Springs, thousands of inebriated, scantily clad fans will descend on Indio Valley to hear bands like Vampire Weekend, Grimes, and the xx. In addition to the unwashed masses camping in teepees, Coachella has an undeniable appeal to a certain young, rich, stylish celebrity set. At the countless pool parties (night and day), everybody plays dress-up in fringe, tunics, flower crowns, and a whole wardrobe, nay, category of clothing (“Festival Style!”). The whole thing makes absolutely no sense, which makes it a perfect event for the Overspenders! And this time we’re not messing around: Why go to Coachella in anything less than the super-luxe version of everything you could buy at Urban Outfitters, like some 2013 version of Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton. Somehow we racked up close to half a million in charges, which we’re pretty sure we can cover just fine with our combined tax returns and the money we’ve made as early Bitcoin speculators.

Along with the fashion we’ve “bought” for the parties and shows, we’ve “rented” a home the size of a space station in the mountains of Palm Desert, and imagined a brunch (catered by Alice Waters and co-hosted by Phoenix, who will also be performing later that evening at the festival) so be sure to swing on over if you’re headed out west. Or better yet, just let us know if you want a ride on the private jet with the rest of our entourage of hair and makeup people, “doctors,” and the entire Cut staff. Stella will be the one by the pool in Elizabeth Taylor’s old caftan, sipping handmade organic tequilla out of a $30K flask, and Kurt will be wearing his $7K deadstock Levi’s — desecrated into cutoffs — along with his Krug and Balenciaga’s version of a Hawaiian shirt. Click through for that and all our other “must-haves” of festival style. Because, when you’re at Coachella, nothing looks dumber than clothes that make sense.