How 15 Game of Thrones Actors Would Have Killed … That One Person

Warning: If you have not seen last night’s eventful episode of Game of Thrones, “The Lion and the Rose,� turn back now — spoilers ahead!

For three seasons, Joffrey Baratheon has gleefully displayed his sadistic nature on Game of Thrones, easily securing the teen tyrant’s place as one of the most insanely jerky characters in television history. The delight he’s taken in the misery of his former fiancée Sansa Stark after he ordered her father to be beheaded, the continued taunting of his uncle Tyrion, the glint in his eyes as he held his crossbow: These are Just Joffrey Things.

But just like that, the King is dead — long live the King (but not really). Joffrey’s death at his own wedding might have been unexpected for some (although by now you should know that weddings never go well in Westeros), but others might feel his death wasn’t nearly as protracted and painful as it might have been, given his many misdeeds. Fans have wanted Joffrey to die from nearly day one, ever since Tyrion first slapped the boy silly or since the boy king gave the order to execute Ned Stark, and Jack Gleeson’s former castmates have felt the same way. As Vulture found out at the season-four premiere party recently, Game of Thrones actors have invested quite a bit of thought into how they would have offed Joffrey.

Charles Dance (Tywin Lannister)
“There are endless ways of killing Joffrey! I would have smothered him, I think. Not a particularly messy thing to do, just get it out of the way. He’s like an annoying mosquito, you know?�

Sophie Turner (Sansa Stark)
“How would I have done it? I would have done everything he’s done to me and my family. So I would murder him in many ways. I’d have to cut off his head, too many times. And draw a smiley face on every part of his body that I cut off.  Make him look at it. Here’s your foot! With a smiley face on it! And sew wolf parts back on, like a wolf hand. Then he’s a wolfman. And strip him naked and fire at him with a crossbow. He doesn’t get to keep any essential parts. Castrate him, too. Castrate all the men in this program! There’s too much sex going on!�

Pedro Pascal (Oberyn Martell)
“I would throw him into an orgy, and have a bunch of people fuck him to death. He could die happy. He’d enjoy it at first, but only up to a point.�

Finn Jones (Ser Loras Tyrell)
“Brienne does this great killing in season three, where she gets a sword and just slowly penetrates the guy’s anus. I’d like to do that. Actually, what am I talking about? That’s gross! I’d strangle him. I think I’d like to strangle him with my toes, and then whilst I’m strangling him with my toes, I’d like to gouge out his eyes. Do you know what? I love Jack. Jack is a dear friend of mine. But I’d like to do that to Joffrey. I want to get in there. I want to feel him die.�

Gwendoline Christie (Brienne of Tarth)
“I’d just dehydrate him. You don’t give him anything, and let the body do its work. And that’s really simple, simple and quiet. And effective. But it might be a long, slow death, if you just give him a little bit of water, and then reduce it slowly, so eventually you’re just giving him half a drop and not allowing him to die.� [Laughs.]

Rose Leslie (Ygritte)
“I think poison, probably. Is that a woman’s weapon? I don’t know any poisons, though!�

Isaac Hempstead-Wright (Bran Stark)
“I don’t want to kill Joffrey! People hate him too much. He’s pretty horrible, but, I mean, he’s an interesting guy. I don’t think he should live, but I don’t think he should be tortured and tortured. Just a painful death, but not too horrible. Maybe cyanide? It’s quick.�

Alfie Allen (Theon Greyjoy)
“Burning in acid, that’s what I’d do. Put him in a pot of acid, and just let him melt.�

Sibel Kekilli (Shae)
“A sword. Just cut his throat.�

Dean Charles Chapman (Tommen Baratheon)
“The way I’d want to do it, [I’d] grab a knife and stab him three times. That’s how I’d do it. But I don’t think Tommen would have the heart. I don’t think he’s got the courage.�

Carice van Houten (Melisandre)
“I would probably have another shadow baby to kill him, but I wouldn’t do it myself. I wouldn’t get dirty. It would be interesting if his mother did it. I would like that as a story line, just to see the inside family-killing dynamic, because they’re very close.�

Conleth Hill (Varys)
“I would never kill him. I would never kill anyone. I would get someone else to do it for me.�

Maisie Williams (Arya Stark)
“The way Arya thinks of killing people,  it doesn’t have to be a crazy way. If you’re dead, you’re dead. It’s more humiliating like if you just choked on a nacho. But I don’t want Joffrey to die, because he makes such an interesting story, do you know what I mean? Arya might beg to differ. She would go all Breaking Bad and throw acid on his body, and make it all epic and crazy.�

John Bradley (Samwell Tarly)
“I would have impaled him on the Iron Throne, as a warning to any future occupiers. You’d be a constant reminder. You know the way Vlad the Impaler lined the streets with people just to send a warning? I’d think I’d do that to Joffrey, as a warning to any future leaders about behaving that way. It’s got to mean something. It’s got to be symbolic somehow.�

Kristian Nairn (Hodor)
“I’d hug him to death. But Hodor is a nice guy. He doesn’t have a bad thought in his head. But Joffrey’s a little shit, you know? But it won’t be the same show without him. He’s such a brilliant villain.�