The Story
Pam has to endure her sister’s wedding, which, as you can imagine, would already be as horrible as it sounds — but even more so because her sister Edie is apparently Pam but in bully form, and has also relegated Pam to bridesmaid duty instead of MOH duty. A distraught Pam convinces Archer to be her date to the wedding, but the rehearsal-dinner plans go awry when Barry shows up to kill Archer (because his cyborg girlfriend dumped him). Back at HQ, Lana needs someone to babysit AJ so she can go to survival camp; the only person who’s available is an old flame, so naturally, things get a little weird.
The Highlight Reel
The night began with an oblivious-but-stealthy Archer trying to make a coffee cocktail amid a blubbering Pam.
Pam explained she wasn’t excited to go to her sister’s wedding in Wisconsin without a date, and somehow, Archer decided to be nice and stand in as her date.
Archer: Pam!
Pam: Okay, Jesus, calm down, Ike Turner. Don’t wanna show up with a black eye.
Archer: Not a real diverse crowd, huh?
Pam: Eye, idiot. Eye. Although, no. Not a lot of black guys in rural Wisconsin.
[+1 point to Pam and Amber Nash for nearly 90 seconds of crying, +1 more for the #tbt Ike Turner dig; -1 to Archer for slapping Pam, but then +2 for being a good friend and helping her in the long run.]
At the airport, Pam tried to make up a convincing backstory for her new fake boyfriend:
Pam: Shut up, you’re Gordon Shumway and you own a 500-acre dairy farm in upstate New York, with 600 Holsteins and two Herringbone Milking Parlours.
Archer: Okay, (a) That’s ALF’s name, and (2) what’s more impressive? A pathetic cheese-farmer, or the world’s greatest secret agent, a.k.a. me, Sterling Archer?
(Gordon Shumway, for what it’s worth):
[+1 to Archer for reminding everybody about ALF. #tbt ]
Then, at the airport, just in time to change his flight, we came across none other than cyborg and professional phoenix BARRY.
Airline guy: You’re booked through to New York. Will you be needing anything else?
Barry: Huh? Oh, is there a place that sells down jackets and thermal underwear? I’m uh, whatdayacallit? Uh, cold-blooded.
[+3 to Barry for owning that sinfully delicious line, still being alive, and gracing us with his presence.]
At still-nameless HQ, Cheryl was eating an office plant, Lana was fruitlessly looking for Archer, and Malory was moonlighting as an English teacher:
Lana: Have you seen Archer?
Malory: Did you look in here?
Lana: I — that is what I am doing now.
Malory: Then I guess go look everywhere else.
Cheryl: Starting with Dick Cheese, Wisconsin.
Lana: Excuse me.
Cheryl: Him and —
Malory: — He and —
Cheryl: Whomever and —
Malory: — Whoever and —
Cheryl: Ugh —
Lana: — If you wake this child, I will climb inside you with my shoes on.
Cheryl: He and Pam are at her sister’s wedding.
[+2 to Cheryl for never giving up on grammar or Wisconsin.]
Ruh-roh, Malory noticed that AJ was chubby:
Malory: And you, my tweedy wittle — what? Are your boobs full of corn syrup?
Lana: Excuse me?
Malory: Feel that. She feels chubby.
Lana: She’s a baby!
Malory: A fat wittle baby! Yes you are, yes you are, you’re a fat wittle baby. Fast-forward to me buying her liposuction for graduation.
[+1 to Malory for being her own version of the best grandmother in the universe; +1 to AJ for being all about that bass, WHATEVA, she can’t see you haters.]
CHERYL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[… +1, though.]
While getting ready for their first night out, Pam said Archer looked like “a maître d’ on a dinner cruise for gay Republicans.†She looked gorgeous in her rehearsal-dinner dress, but apparently it was a tight squeeze.
Pam: You gotta pace me, I’m sewed into this sunuvabitch. So for every ounce that goes in, an ounce gotta go out.
Archer: So, diuretics?
Pam: And laxatives! There’s a sundae bar.
[-1 to Archer for the jacket; +2 to Pam for the put-down and the passion for pacing.]
If you missed Barry and Other Barry, this was a good episode for you:
Other Barry: Is it Barry? Does that mean Barry possibly, literally froze his nuts off in the wheel well of a 747 so he could murder the shit-eating Archer?
Barry: Yes, it does, Other Barry. Oh, yes.
[+1 to the Barrys for being troupers.]
Edie introduced herself and was the worst human being for the whole episode:
Archer: I’m Archer, Pam’s boyfriend.
Edie: Bullshit my asshole.
Archer: Pam … hon, Edie’s here.
Edie: Spamela, get your fat ass out here!
[+1 to Edie for vile creativity; +1 to Pam for being Xena.]
Ray was the ultimate dick when he avoided AJ-babysitting duties on a geriatric elevator:
Lana: Wait! Wait, wait, wait, Ray. Ray!
Ray: Yeah, come on. You comin’?
Lana: No, but hey, I know it’s late notice, and I really hate to ask, but would you mind keeping AJ for the week?
Ray: What the? I’m hitting door open, you can’t see it, but I really am. Oh my God, it’s just like maximum overdrive.
Lana: Ray!
Ray: Lana! On Monday, let’s talk about how scary this was for me.
[+1 to Ray for being a little Capricious Colin with the elevator doors.]
This episode’s best cut on dialogue was a “Hey, you†that began with Pam saying, “I’ll show her what Arn’s balls taste like.â€
(As usual, there were actually lots of genius cuts on dialogue; this one just stands out because we didn’t see enough Krieger in this episode.)
Lana: Hello, Krieger, you in here?
Krieger: Hey, you, what can I do ya for?
Lana: So, hey, um, Archer totally flaked on me, Malory and Ray are being lame, and Cheryl is … Cheryl. SO I was wondering if you could do me a favor?
Krieger: Yup, yup, yup. But first, who is this little person?
Lana: Um, AJ? My baby, who I’ve had for like six months. Who you’ve met?
Krieger: Mmmmmkay?
Lana: Oh, and who also has a poopy diaper?
Krieger: Great Bacchus Plateau! It works!
Lana: What? What does?
Krieger: The K-9000 intrasonic pulse rifle!
Lana: What do you mean? What does it do?
Krieger: I assume you’re familiar with the Brown Note?
[+1 to AJ for doin’ her thang; +1 to Krieger for being diabolically weird and (hopefully) using his powers for good.]
Edie had some really brilliant moments. By “brilliant†I guess I just mean “obscene,†but I swear the two are related on this show.
Edie: Clean the jizz out of your ears, jizz ears!
… and …
Edie: What, did he give you anal warts?
[+1 to Edie for toeing the line between bossy and inquisitive so gracefully.]
Cyril was a pseudo-pervy gentleman (this is not an oxymoron; it’s just Cyril being Cyril, think season one) with ulterior motives in every scene he was in, beginning with this one:
Cyril: How ‘bout this, I’ll drive you both upstate and get us a motel room?
Lana: What?
Cyril: For AJ and me. While you run around the woods eating snails and beetles, that way if you get anxious about being away from her, we’re right there.
[-2 to Cyril for being manipulative — and for being Cyril.]
Barry kidnapped Pam because he was bug-nuts crazy about killing Archer in this episode:
Because Katya dumped him for Boris:
Also — what a diamond in the rough — Barry revealed his worst nightmare:
Barry: Just so you know, my worst nightmare, which is actually recurring, is me and Santa Claus getting chased through the snow by Lurch from The Addams Family.
[+1 to Barry for being so relatable.]
Cyril sang himself a song about how Cyril (have you ever noticed how well Cyril rhymes with virile?) he was going to try to be later:
Cyril: I am gonna re-hit that.
Lana: What’s that? Hey … you.
Cyril: Hello.
[+1 to Cyril for the very Cyril hello.]
Barry did this …
… while Archer and Edie discussed some architectural theory:
Archer: Asimov’s three laws of … look, never mind, they don’t even apply to Barry because he’s a frickin’ cyborg.
Barry: Archer, come out and play-yay.
Archer: Ugh. And also a gaping prolapsed anus. So, grain elevator, besides a place to blow farmers, what’s the point?
Edie: To store grain, dumbass.
Archer: Yeah, but you elevator it way the hell up there — wait, the cows don’t go up there to eat it, do they?
Edie: Oh my God, no, it’s gravity-fed back down to trucks and trains and shit.
Archer: Which are on the ground?
Edie: Yes!
Archer: See where I’m going with this? Why not just make it horizontal so the cows can just walk up and eat whenever?
Edie: So just a mile-long trough of grain getting rained on all the damn time?
Archer: Well, no, it would have like a salad-bar roof on it, you idiot.
Barry: … said the dumb waiter. Get it Archer? As in you’re dumb and you dress like a waiter?
[+1 to Barry for nailing it; +1 to Archer for trying to be the Steve Jobs of grain.]
Pam destroyed Barry with explosive ammo and then gravity-buried him in a bunch of grain and set him on fire.
[+2 to Pam for saving her sister and Archer; +1 more to everybody for kind of re-killing Barry; +1 to Barry for basically being the Kenny of this show.]
The MVP
Pam. She singlehandedly ruined her sister’s wedding (and life) and defeated Barry. What a hero. I would also be inclined to give Archer an MVP nod because he has continued to move in the direction of being a nice, selfless person. Even though this season is beginning to feel more and more like season one, one thing is very different: Our beloved douchetagonist is a brand-new Sterling Archer, complete with virtues and an evolving heart.
Extra Splooshes
- Archer was very drunk in this episode because he chugged at least five cocktails.
- The Chicago Bears sports gear on Barry was cute. What a sartorial hero.
- Seriously, though, how do we feel about Cheryl eating plants?
- Better question: How do we feel about Lana and Cyril maybe getting back together?
- Also important: Ron and Malory are back together. If you missed Ron, this bodes well for your emotional health.
- Episodes without Woodhouse: 4. This is starting to feel like Gone Girl. Has he gained weight, cut his hair, gone to the Ozarks, and befriended a bunch of degenerates? I hope he’s keeping a diary. SOS.Â
- Lot of Terminator references in this episode. If you cared.
- Krieger didn’t recognize AJ because maybe he’s a clone, or, as Reddit has pointed out, maybe Krieger is a king and brought back a bunch of clones from last season and now we’re just seeing a new clone/Krieger every episode? That makes my head hurt a little, but my, what a lovely thought.
- Easter egg: The piece of paper on the fridge is apparently an inside joke with the show’s staffers.
- Bummer everybody missed out on the all-you-care-to-eat steak and bottomless vin rouge.
