Go Ahead, Embrace Your Shameful Crushes
Photo: Getty Images
Valentine’s Day is fun, but this week the Cut is celebrating self-love: We’re indulging all our whims, desires, and worst impulses. Join us for five days of ME ME ME ME ME.
As a wise lady (Selena Gomez) once sang about a boy (Justin Bieber), “the heart wants what it wants.”
We share the sentiment, Selena. And judging by this roundup, we also share your questionable taste in men. Everyone has a secret crush: one that is so baffling they prefer not to admit their deep attraction to themselves, let alone other people, for fear of judgment.
But this week the Cut is all about me, me, me — and that includes everything that makes “me” 100 percent turned on. So be it an uncomfortable fascination with the Rock’s eyebrow, an eccentric lust for Jean-Claude Van Damme’s splits, or a frankly disturbing attraction to Ryan Seacrest, we’ve created a safe space for people to admit their deepest shame crushes, and say, with pride: Yeah, it’s weird, but I’d totally hit that. More than once.
Rick Rubin "I'm not sure why I keep having to defend this crush. He has the beard of a wild man, which means he'd probably be wild in the sa...
Rick Rubin "I'm not sure why I keep having to defend this crush. He has the beard of a wild man, which means he'd probably be wild in the sack. One time I was at a nightclub and I saw a man who looked like him and I worked up the courage to go over to him and flirt. I ended up almost making out with some random old man, and I still stand by my love for Rick Rubin." —Allison P. Davis
Photo: Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images
The Oil Monster from
FernGully "Mine is the monster from FernGully. I don't know if it was Tim Curry's voice or the sexy oil song, but my 7...
The Oil Monster from
FernGully "Mine is the monster from FernGully. I don't know if it was Tim Curry's voice or the sexy oil song, but my 7-year-old loins were tingling ... I should probably be more embarrassed about this." —Sarah Fink
Young Bill de Blasio "New York mayor Bill de Blasio first looked to me like what he is — a Big Bird-ish Park Slope dad. But when p...
Young Bill de Blasio "New York mayor Bill de Blasio first looked to me like what he is — a Big Bird-ish Park Slope dad. But when photos of him as a youth came out — hello, nurse! Who was this big, sexy, late '70s-style galoot, and were there photos of him in those little basketball shorts? I find him compelling in the same mode as Art Garfunkel and Elliott Gould (two other totally normal crushes). New York, meet your first 'Swipe Right' Mayor." —Julia
Photo: Bill de Blasio/Twitter.com
Ross Ulbricht "I find the recently convicted Silk Road criminal mastermind Ross Ulbricht, a.k.a. the Dread Pirate Roberts, super fine. I mea...
Ross Ulbricht "I find the recently convicted Silk Road criminal mastermind Ross Ulbricht, a.k.a. the Dread Pirate Roberts, super fine. I mean: Dark and brooding and capable of ordering assassinations in casual emails that are like the way the rest of us order lunch. I would like to visit him, conjugally." —Maureen ("Note: If you use names, use mine. I want Ross to know I am down to fuck.")
Photo: Elizabeth Williams/AP
Macklemore "He leads with his chest, with his chin, with his pouty lips. He seems sincere, full of good intentions; he is definitely a block...
Macklemore "He leads with his chest, with his chin, with his pouty lips. He seems sincere, full of good intentions; he is definitely a blockhead. When he dances, he kicks his feet out arrhythmically, like Elaine Benes with a dick. He'll mansplain feminism to you, by which I mean push you up against a wall and stick his tongue in your mouth when you're trying to talk. Yes, Macklemore, I see your point about Hélène Cixous's theory of polymorphous perversity. Tell me about it again, more slowly, while you take off my shirt." —Miranda Popkey Photo: Steve Granitz/Getty Images
Marc Anthony “Even though he looks like Skeletor.” —Emily Dillon
Photo: Ethan Miller/Getty Images
Pete Hornberger "I can't explain this one. Sometimes you just want a sad, pudgy man to lie on top of you. For me, that man is Pete Hornberge...
Pete Hornberger "I can't explain this one. Sometimes you just want a sad, pudgy man to lie on top of you. For me, that man is Pete Hornberger." —MiP
Photo: NBC/Getty Images
Myles Leonard "He is the bench center for the Portland Trailblazers and I cheer for him exclusively and love his baby face/old man name ... ...
Myles Leonard "He is the bench center for the Portland Trailblazers and I cheer for him exclusively and love his baby face/old man name ... I am more than a decade older than him, though, so it makes me feel kind of gross. All of the friends whom I have season tickets with refer to him as my husband." —Sarah Wexler
Photo: Sam Forencich/Getty Images
Tim Curry in
Rocky Horror Picture Show “This is mainly inexplicable, except for his legs. I submit these photos (dear sweet lord) to rest my cas...
Tim Curry in
Rocky Horror Picture Show “This is mainly inexplicable, except for his legs. I submit these photos (dear sweet lord) to rest my case about these legs that just don’t quit.” —Maggie
Photo: Evening Standard/Getty Images
Ryan Seacrest “Total babe. Great suit, great smile, great everything. The guy is driven and successful, and his skin always looks like summer.” —...
Ryan Seacrest “Total babe. Great suit, great smile, great everything. The guy is driven and successful, and his skin always looks like summer.” —Tina
Photo: Mike Coppola/DCNYRE2015/Getty Images
Nelly "After Nelly's sister passed away, he adopted her two children, and raised them as his own, along with his biological daughter. Fiftee...
Nelly "After Nelly's sister passed away, he adopted her two children, and raised them as his own, along with his biological daughter. Fifteen years later, he looks not a day over 'Country Grammar.' I'm not sure if this crush even qualifies because he's a legend. Have you seen Real Husbands of Hollywood? I rest my case." —Julie Schott
Photo: KMazur/Getty Images
Andy Griffith "My heart belongs to Andy Griffith, the yummy TV sheriff of Mayberry. He wears tight sheriff pants and insists on never carryi...
Andy Griffith "My heart belongs to Andy Griffith, the yummy TV sheriff of Mayberry. He wears tight sheriff pants and insists on never carrying a gun because he has too much integrity. He’s always getting a job in Raleigh and then deciding to stay in Mayberry, because of his strong small-town values that never existed in real life. If you watch him sing folk songs on the porch with Barney and do not want to have tiny Ron Howards with him, you are dead inside." —Helen C.
Photo: CBS Photo Archive/Getty Images
Tom Colicchio "I usually do not go for bald/short, but something about how he's really tough on the Top Chef people but then honestly proud ...
Tom Colicchio "I usually do not go for bald/short, but something about how he's really tough on the Top Chef people but then honestly proud of them when they do well has made me think he's really sexy, like to the point that my boyfriend doesn't want to watch the show with me anymore." —SW
Photo: Brad Barket/Getty Images
The Rock (née Dwayne Johnson) "I didn’t even realize that he was a 'shameful' crush until I started mentioning him in my Top Five and...
The Rock (née Dwayne Johnson) "I didn’t even realize that he was a 'shameful' crush until I started mentioning him in my Top Five and people were giving me the shocked emoji face. Frankly, what’s not to like? He’s tall, has great skin, and clearly isn’t skipping Leg or Chest Day. He’s strong enough to put Stone Cold Steve Austin into a headlock and thus, clearly strong enough to move me into a fifth-floor walk-up apartment without breaking a sweat, which is more than I can say for 80 percent of the men in New York. Also, he has some new feel-good-might-make-you-cry-when-you-have-PMS show on TNT that combines all the weepy elements of Extreme Home Makeover, Biggest Loser, and Oprah. A big, sensitive strong man with feelings and good eyebrow architecture is not a crush to be ashamed of." —Kathleen Hou
Photo: Arnaldo Magnani/Getty Images
Jean-Claude Van Damme "First of all, the splits. Second of all, I can use the joke 'Jean-Claude Van Damme he’s fine.' And that’s a joke wort...
Jean-Claude Van Damme "First of all, the splits. Second of all, I can use the joke 'Jean-Claude Van Damme he’s fine.' And that’s a joke worth three orgasms." —APD
Photo: Patrick Robert/Corbis
Conan O'Brien "Maybe it’s his awkward, lanky frame, maybe it's his pasty complexion, maybe it's just because the sound of his nasally voice ...
Conan O'Brien "Maybe it’s his awkward, lanky frame, maybe it's his pasty complexion, maybe it's just because the sound of his nasally voice really just sounds good to me. His affinity for facial contortions and resemblance to Tilda Swinton excite me. I so badly want to play with his hair." —Rebecca Ramsey
Photo: Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images
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