Halloween Costumes for the Lazy and Uninspired
Photo: Photographer: Aliaksei Kaponia/Getty Images
Halloween: Who cares? A holiday that has long been dominated by the child, the try-hard, the insulting, and the “slut,” Halloween is not for everyone. Fans of candy know the real truth, which is that candy is actually available year-round, and anyone who is so eager to dress up can surely do so any other day of the year. Live a little! Halloween can be every day if you want it to be!
But that doesn’t change the eye-rolling fact that parties on Oct 31 abound, and your friends, like the assholes they are, will not tolerate your insistence that you go as “nothing” and that “you’re only here for the spiked cider.” For the Halloween-hater who does not have the time to construct an elaborate tribute to Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits this year, we — your humble servants — have you covered.
Sick Leave
When someone asks what you’re dressed up as, tell them you are Sick Leave. When they look at you quizzically, respond with “...
Sick Leave
When someone asks what you’re dressed up as, tell them you are Sick Leave. When they look at you quizzically, respond with “I’m sick. I gotta leave” and then go to a different party because that one sucked. Photo: Mark Tomalty/Corbis
Madame Tussauds Wax Figure
Your obnoxious friend Andy (dressed up Cecil the Lion no less) demands to know what you are “since you’re wearing th...
Madame Tussauds Wax Figure
Your obnoxious friend Andy (dressed up Cecil the Lion no less) demands to know what you are “since you’re wearing the same thing I saw you in earlier.”
“I’m a Madame Tussauds wax figure of myself.” Stand completely still for 30 solid seconds. He’ll shut up in no time and then you’re free to mock how much effort he put into dressing up like a lion.
Photo: Selwyn Tait/Corbis
Future Squad Member Dress as yourself and then when anyone asks about your costume, say that you are a yet-to-be-summoned member of the Taylor Sw...
Future Squad Member Dress as yourself and then when anyone asks about your costume, say that you are a yet-to-be-summoned member of the Taylor Swift squad. Bonus: Any party/room you walk into, have a friend introduce you with: “Please welcome to the stage …”
Photo: NorthWoodsPix / @PapCultureNYC/Corbis
#NoFilter If anyone asks, you are a selfie with #nofilter. Hold your phone up to your face for good measure.
Photo: Caiaimage/Sam Edwards/Getty...
#NoFilter If anyone asks, you are a selfie with #nofilter. Hold your phone up to your face for good measure.
Photo: Caiaimage/Sam Edwards/Getty Images
Your Pet It’s common knowledge that after a while, pet owners often begin to resemble their pets and vice versa. Slap on some eyeliner whiskers o...
Your Pet It’s common knowledge that after a while, pet owners often begin to resemble their pets and vice versa. Slap on some eyeliner whiskers or construction-paper ears stapled to a headband, and go around talking about your pet. Because no party guest is better than the one who can't shut up about his or her animal!
Photo: Emily Shornick
Profile Picture Wear the same clothes that you are wearing in your Facebook profile picture. When someone asks, hold your hands in a square...
Profile Picture Wear the same clothes that you are wearing in your Facebook profile picture. When someone asks, hold your hands in a square. "I am my Facebook profile picture." If anyone gives you shit, hashtag tbt in their faces.
Photo: Corbis
Slutty Ghost Remember this old classic? Find the white sheet you are least attached to and cut two eyeholes. Then, to make it slutty, cut i...
Slutty Ghost Remember this old classic? Find the white sheet you are least attached to and cut two eyeholes. Then, to make it slutty, cut it along your belly to make it crop-top length. Spooky!
Photo: Dorling Kindersley/Getty Images
Molly Wear neon colors and walk around the party touching random people. On a name tag, write “Hi, My Name Is Molly.” If people don’t get i...
Molly Wear neon colors and walk around the party touching random people. On a name tag, write “Hi, My Name Is Molly.” If people don’t get it, then they’re squares and you should find new friends.
Photo: Corbis
The Pay Gap Walk around the party asking everyone if they have change for a dollar. When someone bites, hand over your dollar as they attem...
The Pay Gap Walk around the party asking everyone if they have change for a dollar. When someone bites, hand over your dollar as they attempt to give you their change. Count it out and give them back the requisite 22 cents. “Oh I don’t need that,” you’ll say. “I only technically earned 78 cents for this dollar.”
Photo: Claudia Rehm/Corbis
Triangle Shirtwaist Fire Buy a red or orange shirt that reaches at least to your upper thighs. Pin a cutout triangle to any point near your...
Triangle Shirtwaist Fire Buy a red or orange shirt that reaches at least to your upper thighs. Pin a cutout triangle to any point near your waist. This costume will take some explaining, but it’ll probably be worth it. Anyone barking "too soon" at you has no sense of humor.
Photo: Corbis
Steve Jobs Black turtleneck, dad jeans, New Balances, wire-frame glasses. Why do you think Jobs dressed like this every day? It was the eas...
Steve Jobs Black turtleneck, dad jeans, New Balances, wire-frame glasses. Why do you think Jobs dressed like this every day? It was the easiest possible costume. Some might suggest that every day was Halloween for Jobs, may he rest in peace.
Photo: Paul Sakuma/Corbis
Stand-up Comedian Wear whatever you want, but before the night of Halloween prepare a five-minute set to perform for your friends. This way, you ...
Stand-up Comedian Wear whatever you want, but before the night of Halloween prepare a five-minute set to perform for your friends. This way, you get to test out some of your new material while also doubling down on a Halloween costume. Is international fame and an HBO stand-up special next for you? It only takes one Halloween evening to find out. And now you have a backup for when you get fired from your real job.
Photo: Jupiterimages/Getty Images
1
/
12