Despite her Oscar-winning comeback in The Canyons, Lindsay Lohan is still pretty much a Hollywood punch line; so, presumably, no one thought it was a big deal when Jennifer Lawrence said, “I get Lindsay Lohan–grade exhaustion, but without any drugs or alcohol,â€Â on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert earlier this week. Well, at least everyone without the surname Lohan found it innocuous. Aliana “Ali†Lohan, Lindsay’s younger sister, tweeted at Lawrence: “I never breathe life into negativity but I stand by my family. Disappointed in Jennifer Lawrence. You lost a fan.†She also included her sister’s handle in the tweet, so Lindsay, who has nearly 9 million more followers, could bring it to the media’s attention. Aliana later deleted the tweet and amended it:
Still, however, the damage had been done. Lindsay found the tweet and responded to Lawrence with her own special brand of clapback: a Maya Angelou poem.
You might wonder: How does Lindsay know who Maya Angelou is? Did someone refer her to this poem? Well, what I like to believe is maybe Lindsay actually uses Angelou poems as weapons. Instead of responding with a GIF, an emoji, or a terse “You mad?†she opts to keep Angelou poems in her arsenal for potential celebrity feuds. After all, “Still I Rise†is hardly the only useful Angelou poem for shutting down an opponent.
Lindsay Lohan vs. Paris Hilton
When you have a falling out with a best friend and she cackles at your boyfriend calling you a “fire crotch,†insulting your female body to a slew of paparazzi, the best response is:
Phenomenal woman, That’s me.
Men themselves have wondered What they see in me.
They try so much But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.—â€Phenomenal Womanâ€
Lindsay Lohan vs. James G. Robinson
When you’re always sick and late for work on the set of Georgia Rule and the CEO of Morgan Creek Productions drafts you a stern letter calling you irresponsible, the best response is:
Make room for me
To lead and follow you
Beyond this rage of poetry.—“A Conceitâ€
Lindsay Lohan vs. Hilary Duff
When you’re fighting with another Disney star over Aaron Carter, of all people, the best response is:
Young men sharp as mustard.
See them.
Men are always Going somewhere.—“Menâ€
Lindsay Lohan vs. Michael Lohan
When your father won’t mind his own business and keeps talking about you in the press, the best response is … just to buy him a book of Angelou poems because you know Michael Lohan can’t afford it otherwise.
Lindsay Lohan vs. Gwyneth Paltrow and Glee
When Gwyneth Paltrow’s character on Glee makes a quip about you being “crazy†and constantly in rehab, the best response is to turn the other cheek, but also to understand that she’s being held prisoner on a Ryan Murphy set and it’s a cry for help.
The caged bird sings
With a fearful trill
Of things unknown
But longed for still
And his tune is heard
On the distant hill
For the caged bird
Sings of freedom.—â€I Know Why the Caged Bird Singsâ€