Narcissism (n.): erotic gratification derived from admiration of one’s own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
Now that we got Charrisse’s first definition gaffe out of the way, let’s put a big giant weave bow on this season of Real Housewives of Potomac even though the “season finale” had a wrap-up montage … and we already had a reunion episode. Let’s get to it, I guess.
We’re picking up with this dang race conversation again. Robyn wants to know why race is such a sensitive topic. She insists she wasn’t forcing Katie to identify as one race or the other but to just ask a question among friends. You want to know why you can’t just ask a simple question among friends, Robyn? Because you’re not friends. None of you are friends. You’re all girls who have to share the same bunk at summer camp and would never hang out when you get to middle school, but there’s so many ticks everywhere and we should just put up with Christie’s snoring so we don’t have to go to the end of the summer dance by ourselves … uh, I mean … what were we talking about?
Unfortunately, Robyn can’t talk for more than one sentence without being interrupted by Katie, who insists she loves being black but don’t ever call her black or tell anyone that she’s black or refer to her children as black or refer to any color as black in her presence. She prefers you refer to the color black as “deep, deep, deep, deep, deep white.”
Katie “apologizes” for calling Robyn dumb and screaming at her and Gizelle is clearly in a lot of pain about … being black in America? Hey Katie, we’re all in a lot of pain. It’s called “racism.” To emphasize that very real point, Gizelle points out that if Katie were arrested, she would be black. How dare anyone in those damn gowns make a salient point about anti-blackness! I want to hate them, but I want to try on their gowns and gossip about Herman. Katie also believes that her children could possibly get “black later.” I do not even have remotely enough fucks to begin to parse out that statement. The only way you can “get black later” is if you make an offering at midnight to the Almighty Goddess Shonda Rhimes.
Now it’s time to break down exactly what on Earth is up with Charrisse and her marriage. Her husband is unemployed and looking for whatever job he can get. Charrisse and Eddie only talk about the weather and their children. According to ’90s stand-up comics, their marriage sounds juuuuust right. Charrisse says she won’t file for a divorce but she will end up with a divorce. Wow. Charrisse says all of this with completely dead shark eyes. Charrisse is wearing the skin of the shark she murdered for its eyes.
Charrisse also calls Gizelle “a pedigree” during an argument about whether or not Gizelle has asked about Eddie. When asked, “What do you mean by that?” Charrisse answers, “Isn’t that some sort of animal?”
Let’s break that sentence down.
“Isn’t that” — meaning “a pedigree.” “Some sort” — meaning she doesn’t exactly know what it is, but she’s heard it before. Maybe it’s got fur or feathers? “Of animal?” — CHARRISSE THINKS PEDIGREE IS A SPECIES OF ANIMAL.
Between this, “mute point,” and not knowing the phrase “General Custer’s Last Stand,” I cannot allow myself to take anything Charrisse has ever said remotely seriously. How did we get this far into the season without any more delightful malapropisms from Charrisse? And Charrisse, a malapropism isn’t when you can’t find your prop backstage during your high-school production of Sweeney Todd.
Now we get the full story about the break-up of Katie’s engagement that broke up approximately 39 minutes ago. Katie and Andrew have been off and on for the last few months and Katie finally grew a pair and asked him if he wanted to be married, which should be a pretty important question to have answered before an engagement. I guess when you’re blinded by the marriage-industrial complex and your own internal sadness, you’ll ignore anything as long as you have a pretty, pretty ring on your finger. Katie could use a hobby. I got my dad a woodworking book once. It had instructions for making a clipboard. Katie could handle that.
It’s time to bring out two older men so they can argue about their wives! Are we still talking about the Girls’ Trip? Are they shooting the reunion in reverse? Does Andy Cohen have a Time Turner? Ray accuses Michael of showing up at the girls’ trip to stroke his … ego. Michael calls Ray a stick in the mud and Karen talks about how great her titties are. I never say this because I feel like it’s been co-opted by white girls in Beyoncé T-shirts but “YES KWEEN!”
The grossest moment is when we’re reminded Karen told Ashley to let her husband ejaculate inside her. I’ll have to go pet a panda to get that image out of my head.
It’s time to finally settle what happened at Ashley’s birthday party. Was Katie drunk or was she replaced by Barty Crouch Jr. sipping Polyjuice Potion? (Yes, I recently re-watched the Harry Potter film saga, why do you ask?) Katie does something that only white girls do and lists every single drink she had that night. Gizelle says that she’s concerned about Katie because apparently they couldn’t go to a single event without Katie being drunk off her ass — and apparently Katie peed on a couch past age three. Is that a Depend Silhouette under that gown, Katie?
The final moments are here. I can see the sweet release of Watch What Happens Live in front of my ey — WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY, CHARRISSE?
Charrisse tells everyone immediately before the season-finale champagne toast that she’s not speaking to her husband. Um … cheers?
See you next season!