There have been a lot of grifters and liars in the Real Housewives game. There is no shortage of delusion and fantasy in the Housewives extended cinematic universe, but my goodness, Mrs. Karen Huger. The Grand Dame is now the Grand Dette. That’s debt in French. Plus, there’s the arrival of a new Housewife, Candaice … who we don’t see at all. It’s been a while since I’ve checked in with these ladies, so let’s get to it.
First things first, the grand tax evasion of Karen and her husband. It’s supposedly all in his business accounts, but he owes $1.5 million (sometimes Robyn says they owe $5 million). There’s a montage of all the ladies reacting to Karen’s public mismanagement of fortune, and they all realize that’s why Karen moved from Potomac to Great Falls. Yo, I get that the whole Zip Code thing and the specific towns is a whole thing, and I don’t have the time to research the specific median income of every D.C. suburb. The show checks in on Karen in her positively palatial house in Great Falls. If you owe somewhere between $1.5 million and $5 million in back taxes, maybe don’t live in a giant-ass house with a pool. She’s Gatsby trapped in this giant house. Karen claims that the Washington Post called her two hours before the story ran, but now she’s under legal restraints not to talk about it. So she’s going to call her sister on camera and talk about it.
Gizelle shows up to lunch with Ashley in a simply preposterous gold romper. I feel like Gizelle’s style got stuck somewhere between 2004 Beyoncé and 2010 Beyoncé. Neither Beyoncé really had it figured out, and both Beyoncés loved a gold moment. Gizelle is still with Sherman, and Ashley is still in a complicated, weird relationship with her husband. She’s been living alone in an apartment for about six months. During a fight, he took her stuff out of the closet and told her to get out. Ashley, baby, what are you fighting for? “That joint checking account” is a fine answer, but I’m gonna get real tired if these two are going back and forth all season. Also, Ashley keeps buying her mother things and giving her money, and that’s a problem for Michael. I think this is the one issue where I’m Team Ashley. Let her mama have a house.
Monique is at her new house, and she’s unpacking and feeding the fish in the built-in aquarium. They had a five-bedroom house and two kids, but that wasn’t enough space, so they’ve upgraded. They also want to have more kids, and Monique says that Chris would like her barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. Um, sis? That’s not usually a “cute image.” It’s usually the image of the lack of agency of women, not like “family values.” Chris is going to be turning 40, so Monique is going to throw a lavish party and attempt to heal her relationship with Chris’s mom, who called her a heifer. I feel like being called a heifer isn’t an unforgivable sin. You can work through that.
Up next is Robyn and Juan. Juan got a new job as a head coach at Coppin State, an HBCU in Baltimore. Oh, I wonder how the Grand Dette feels about Robyn’s man doing business in Maryland. Robyn and Juan are sleeping in the same bed in the same (bigger) house and occasionally having sex. It’s unclear if they’re back together or in a relationship. Robyn was the only person Karen called when the taxes story broke, and they were on the phone for three hours. Can you imagine being on the phone with an emotional Karen for three hours? I would throw myself off a bridge. Robyn is going to sit down for lunch with Karen. She’s saying that Karen wants to thank her, but Robyn secretly wants the dirt. Get that dirt, Robyn.
Ashley is packing up her little single-girl pad to go back to Michael. The timeline is a little unclear on her move out and move back in, and it’s a little unclear exactly what she’s holding on to this relationship for. In the past, Michael would disrespect her and she would lash out and threaten to leave constantly. Michael’s got a hottie on his arm and Ashley’s got access to that joint bank account. What is there to keep? Ashley, it’s bad and ain’t nobody trying to keep eating emu.
Also, is Charisse the Kim of Potomac?
Karen is at home and she’s putting out packaged muffins and claiming to be “domestic.” What is Karen doing? This is sad and weird. She sits down with Ray to tell him that he can’t just leave her out of things and not talk to her.
Ray says he mentioned it to her.
IT’S NOT ADDING UP.
Serial season three: What did Karen know and when did she know it?
Ashley heads to Michael’s condo, and he got her a bouquet of roses and she bought him a turkey sandwich. They sit down with a couple of Corona Lights to talk about their marriage. If those two sentences aren’t a sign that these are two deeply flawed people who have no idea how to be responsible, I don’t know what is. They have to draw boundaries between them and the business and between Michael’s bank account and Ashley’s mother. They claim to have an unbreakable bond and that’s what matters.
Then Robyn sits down with Karen for lunch and this woman has lost it. She’s become a defensive soundboard version of herself.
Karen says the following things:
“You have to make millions to owe millions.”
“What is a blog? You read blogs? I read truth.”
“The Washington Post is an institution and it’s an honor to be named in an institution.”
“You’re backstabbing batches.”
“I’m debt-free and loaded.”
KAREN. This woman is fully unhinged.