This week, New Girl creator Liz Meriwether will be in Philadelphia covering the Democratic National Convention for Vulture. Last week she went to Cleveland to report on the RNC.
Woman: Hello?
Putin: Hi, this is Vladimir Putin, I’m calling on behalf of the Trump campaign —
(Click.)
[Dialing.]
Man: Yeah, what’s up?
Putin: Oh, hi. Trump is what’s up, and I’m Vladimir Putin —
(Click.)
[Dialing.]
Putin: Hey.
Roger Ailes: Hey.
Putin: It’s not going well. I’m getting a lot of hang-ups. No one believes I’m actually Putin.
Roger Ailes: Just keep trying.
Putin: What are you eating right now?
Roger Ailes: Tiny quail legs and an apple chutney.
Putin: That sounds yummy.
Roger Ailes: Putin! Focus! We really need you. Just be strong. Threaten them. What’s wrong with you?
Putin: I don’t know, I’m just feeling kind of sweet today. Do you remember the first time we met?
Roger Ailes: Don’t do this right now, Putin, just make some calls.
(Click.)
[Dialing.]
Putin (into the phone): Hello, who is this?
Woman: I’m Becca, who is this?
Putin: Vladimir Putin. The president of Russia.
Woman: No way! Mitch? Stop messing with me, Mitch!
Putin: (Speaks Russian.)
Woman: Oh my God! It is Putin! Are you fucking kidding me? Putin is calling me at home!
Putin: I am calling you today to talk to you about voting for Donald J. Trump in the American election.
Woman: Ooh, I don’t know. I think I’m going to vote for Hillary —
Putin: You will vote for Donald Trump in the election or I will wait until you leave the house, and I will have a man in a baseball hat secretly inject an untraceable poison into your bloodstream and first, you will feel cold, and then you will be overwhelmed by the desire to go number two, even more than that time you were on that boat —
Woman: How do you know about that?
Putin: And when that’s over, you will get what in Russian we call, “The Jungle Butt.†I don’t know what the translation is in English, but basically it’s this thing where your butt sweats. The poison will then work its way into your brain and your legs and you will find yourself dancing uncontrollably to a large brass band only you can hear. Death will come slowly, and your body will go first. Your mind won’t die until hours and hours later, so you’ll have time to lay there and think about the decision you are making today. Let me ask you one more time. Who will you vote for?
Woman: (After a beat) I’m still thinking Hillary.
Putin: Uggggghhhhhhhhhh.
(Click.)
[Dialing.]
Man: Hello?
Putin: Hello, I am calling from the Trump campaign. My name is Vladimir Putin.
Man: You sound foreign.
Putin: I am from Russia. I am the leader of the country of Russia.
Man: Go back home. We don’t want you here. Stop taking our jobs.
Putin: I didn’t take your job, unless your job is to be the president of Russia. Was that your job?
Man: It could have been. I don’t know.
Putin: You’re the worst.
(Muffled sounds on the other end of the phone.)
Putin: Are you eating a sandwich right now?
Man: Yeah. So?
Putin: What kind is it?
Man: Turkey.
Putin: Are you wearing pants?
Man: No.
Putin: Underpants?
(Click.)
[Dialing.]
Putin: Heyyyyy.
Roger Ailes: What’s wrong now?
Putin: Just saying hey. I can’t say hey?
Roger Ailes: I don’t know. I guess so. How many more calls do you have to make?
Putin: I don’t know. A lot.
Roger Ailes: Well, do you want to take over Europe or not?
Putin: I want to take over Europe.
Roger Ailes: Say it again, louder.
Putin: Your voice sounds funny, where are you?
Roger Ailes: At a department store.
Putin: Are you buying what I think you’re buying?
Roger Ailes: Just get your work done, and call me later.
(Click.)
[Dialing.]
Young Woman’s voice: Hello?
Putin: Hello, I’m calling on behalf of the Trump campaign. My name is Vladimir Putin.
Young Woman: For real? Are you, like, riding a horse with your shirt off?
Putin: You don’t even know me, and you’re just going to right away start making fun of me?
Young Woman: I wasn’t making fun of you. I was, like, literally asking you, in a very real way, if you have your shirt off and you’re riding a horse right now.
Putin: I could have you killed in the next 24 hours.
Young Woman: Yeah, can you kill me tomorrow? I have a date tonight.
Putin: Yes. I see. With your co-worker. A man named Paul.
Young Woman: What? How do you know that?
Putin: I have your email open in front of me right now. Looks like you just forwarded your mom a picture of a light-grey cardigan from the Eileen Fisher catalogue with the words “Perfect for the Fall, BUY ITâ€. Oh, here’s an email about a bachelorette party you will be attending. “Who is bringing the penis hats? I will bring the penis whistles. It’s funny because you blow into them. LOL, LOL†—
Young Woman: You’re good, Putin. What do you want?
Putin: Honestly, I don’t even know anymore. What are you eating right now?
Young Woman: It’s like a Pad Thai?
Putin: Is it delicious?
(Click.)
[Dialing.]
Older Woman: Hi, this is the Democratic National Committee.
Putin: Shit. Nevermind.
(Click.)
[Dialing.]
Putin: Hey. I’m sorry I’m calling you again, I just—
Roger Ailes: No, it’s okay. I have time now.
Putin: It’s just been a hard day. I’m not having fun anymore, and I just … I miss you.
Roger Ailes: […]
Putin: Roger?
Roger Ailes: I’m here.
Putin: Sometimes I feel like you’re not even listening to me.
Roger Ailes: I’m listening, I’m just zipping it up right now —
Putin: What are you wearing right now?
Roger Ailes: A mini-skirt. I bought it today at the store.
Putin: Yeah? How short?
Roger Ailes: It’s tasteful. Just above the knee.
Putin: Is it body hugging or pleated?
Roger Ailes: It’s kind of an A-line. It makes my legs look incredible. Feels tighter than the one last week. I think I’m eating too much.
Putin: You’re stressed out, you work hard, it’s okay that you eat. I like your body the way it is, Roger.
Roger Ailes: But you always think I look beautiful.
Putin: Because you always do.
Roger Ailes: God, I miss you. Are you wearing that leather jacket I got you?
Putin: Yeah, and my comfy sweats. The blue ones. Blue like your eyes.
(Muffled sounds.)
Putin: What’s wrong?
Roger Ailes: I tried to sit down, but the skirt was too tight, and I fell.
Putin: Be careful —
Roger Ailes: Putin?
Putin: Yeah?
Roger Ailes: Could you sing me a little song until I got to sleep?
Putin: What are you in the mood for? Fiddler?
Roger Ailes: Maybe some Chorus Line?
Putin: (soft, tender) What I did for love … Won’t forget, can’t forget …
Roger Ailes: Hmm, watch the vibrato.
Putin: What I did for love …
(Continues until Ailes is sleeping, then Putin softly hangs up the phone.)