Bob Dylan Wrote a Nobel Prize Speech Someone Else Will Have to Read

Let’s all imagine the Dylan-isms to come. Photo: Lester Cohen/WireImage/Getty Images

For his latest successful attempt at jerking around the Nobel overlords, Bob Dylan has gone full Bob Dylan and written a speech he’ll never utter. On Monday, the Nobel Committee announced that Dylan had “provided� a speech to be read at the December 10 Nobel Prize ceremony, which Dylan has made it clear he won’t attend. In lieu of the poet himself, someone else will have to give Dylan’s speech for him and also perform on his behalf — the latter duty going to Patti Smith, who will sing “A Hard Rain’s A-Gonna Fall� because someone’s got to. As for the speech, well, there’s always Dylan’s old pal Watson to robotically recite some award-winning prose:

“There must be some way out of here�

“mumbling�

*aggressive harmonica*

“All I can be is thankful, whatever that is�

“Think twice, it’s all wrong.�