Samantha Bee’s Not the White House Correspondents’ Dinner was bound to bring comedic juggernauts to D.C. this weekend, and it most certainly did. None other than Will Ferrell showed up for the special, ready to party with his infamous impression of former president George W. Bush.
For the longest time, I was considered the worst President of all time. That has changed,†his Dubya began. I needed eight years of catastrophic flood, a war built on a lie, an economic disaster. The new guy needed a hundred days. He’s now widely considered the worst President of all time. I come in second. I’m fine with that, no one remembers second place. I don’t remember who played the New England Patriots at last year’s Super Bowl. I am the Martin Van Buren of the 21st century.â€
Naturally, he also took some requisite shots at the press. “I’ll be honest, I never liked you guys in the press. Our relationship was sometimes strained, pretentious, prodigal. You guys would always sneak up on me like ‘gotcha’ questions like, ‘Why are we going to war? Gotcha!’ ‘Why didn’t you respond quicker to Hurricane Katrina? Gotcha!’ ‘What’s your middle name? Gotcha!†Always catching me off guard. Now all you have to say is ‘fake news’ over and over again,†he said. “Journalism school is where you go so you can be a journalist. Or you could also post angry, racist Tweets until Breitbart hires you. I gotta be honest, I’m not sure why anyone would wanna become a journalist now. It’s like being on the Titanic — in this room, Washington Post, New York Times, Boston Herald — the iceberg is coming for you. You guys are hanging on to your journalistic integrity. Playing with violins until some the ship goes down. You should see what they would do over at Fox and Friends. Those guys are dressing up like women and children and stealing the lifeboats.â€
As if that wasn’t enough, his Dubya also told the crowd at DAR Constitution Hall that he believes Donald Trump is a “snowflake†in every sense of the word. “He can’t handle the heat. He’s a weak man,†he explained. “He can’t even sit in the White House. He runs down to Mar-a-Lago. Mar-a-Lago! It sounds like a name for a Tom Clancy novel. The Hunt for Mar-a-Lago.†Read the speech, in its entirety, below.
Will Ferrell's Speech As George W. Bush
The prodigal son has returned. I don’t even know what that means, but I know it’s positive. It’s very prodigy! Quick presidential update: I’m doing quite well, thank you. History’s been kinder to me then many of you thought. For the longest time, I was considered the worst President of all time. That has changed. I needed eight years of catastrophic flood, a war built on a lie, an economic disaster. The new guy needed a hundred days. He’s now widely considered the worst President of all time. I come in second. I’m fine with that, no one remembers second place. I don’t remember who played the New England Patriots at last year’s Super Bowl. I am the Martin Van Buren of the 21st century.
I’ll be honest, I never liked you guys in the press. Our relationship was sometimes strained, pretentious, prodigal. You guys would always sneak up on me like “gotcha†questions like, “Why are we going to war? Gotcha!†“Why didn’t you respond quicker to Hurricane Katrina? Gotcha!†“What’s your middle name? Gotcha!†Always catching me off guard. Now all you have to say is “fake news†over and over again. I hated walking into the press room. Sam Donaldson. David Gregory. Jake Tapper. I call him “tap shoes.†You guys remember Helen Thomas? Helen Thomas scared the shit out of me. Until somebody pointed out that she’d been dead since 1954, it’s true. Cokie Roberts, she used to wheel her stiff corpse into the press room and then used some kind of muscle memory. Her mouth would move with hateful, bitter questions. It was fascinating, I’ll give you this though: Helen Thomas asked tougher questions as a dead woman than any man in Fox News can ask today. Firing anchors over there faster than you can say, “Hey, hot shot?†It’s a pretty good line.
I never liked the press, but I took my jokes, like every other president. The new guy has thick skin. That’s what they call a snowflake. You know, you got those sensitive kids on our college campuses who can’t listen to arguments that aren’t their own. We call them snowflakes. He’s one of those guys. He can’t handle the heat. He’s a weak man. He can’t even sit in the White House. He runs down to Mar-a-Lago. Mar-a-Lago! It sounds like a name for a Tom Clancy novel. The Hunt for Mar-a-Lago. That night with steamy, sultric air in Mar-a-Lago, the president smeared a sumptuous and beautiful slice of chocolate cake. And brought it to his all-knowing lips. He chewed it with esteemed reserve, and then, with delicious and really wonderful chocolate cake still in his mouth, he turned to the Chinese President, who’s also enjoying really wonderful chocolate cake, and said, “I just launched 54 missiles at Iraq. Or perhaps it’s Syria.†That’s not a Tom Clancy novel, that really happened. He fired a bunch of missiles at cement while eating chocolate cake with the Chinese president.
Remember how he blacked out the windows in the room where the press were sitting down in Mar-a-Lago, so they couldn’t see what he was doing? For those of you too slow to notice, that’s what they call symbolism. You learn about symbolism in journalism school. Journalism school is where you go so you can be a journalist. Or you could also post angry, racist Tweets until Breitbart hires you. I gotta be honest, I’m not sure why anyone would wanna become a journalist now. It’s like being on the Titanic — in this room, Washington Post, New York Times, Boston Herald — the iceberg is coming for you. You guys are hanging on to your journalistic integrity. Playing with violins until some the ship goes down. You should see what they would do over at Fox and Friends. Those guys are dressing up like women and children and stealing the lifeboats.
It’s apparently what the American people want. Or, it’s what a smaller percent of what the American people want. Not the most American people, just a smaller amount of people. It’s called “a democracy.†Look it up. Y’all know? I’m a painter now. I got a whole book out called Portraits in Courage, it’s a best-seller. I’m working on a series, which I’m calling Portraits in Not Courage. Here’s one I’m working on right now. It’s a portrait of Donald Trump. As you can see, I exhausted my palette of yellows and oranges. It’s clear that he has an unnatural color to him, it’s a strange hue, it’s not really orange or yellow. I have a new name for that color, they should just call it Mar-a-Lago. It’s a funny story. I traveled to all of the Hobby Lobbys in Texas, Eastern New Mexico, and the panhandle of Oklahoma, and I still couldn’t get my hands on enough white paint. A rich white. I’m not a wall-builder. I carry a brush.
Oh, here’s a fashion update for you, Mr. Trump. The tie stops at the belt. A big, long tie that goes past your mid-thigh does not mean what you think it means. It means I do not know anything about fashion and I should not design my own ties. In summation, the presidency’s difficult. I look back at my eight years in office and in my time away from the presidency I’ve accumulated a broad depth of knowledge. If I could distill it down to three words for this president, it would be this: Eat. A. Salad.