Trump’s ‘Sweet Valley High’ Spec Novel Notes, by Kit Lively

By , who writes about comedy

Donna is a smart, beautiful, popular girl. Really, really big boobs, maybe? But they let her be head cheerleader anyway, because she can do all of the complicated routines and flips and so on, even though her boobs are like, huge.Most of the other girls are jealous of her, and of her awesome pony. They’re all jealous losers, but Donna is a fair and just leader of the school, and so allows some of them to hang around with her and clean up after her pony and so on.

These loser friends of hers keep messing up and causing problems for Donna, though. They keep talking behind her back with the evil drill team members of their rival school across town, which she KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH!!! Still, this all makes Donna look bad, even though it’s NOT AT ALL HER FAULT!!!

Still, even through all of this, she manages to keep her cool, and is clearly a great leader with enormous breasts.

She has a really handsome boyfriend, too. Maybe the captain of the basketball team? Or the janitor’s son? Yeah, the janitor’s son. He looks like a young John Stamos, and has thick, luxurious hair covering his back, and she loves to run her fingers slowly through it. This is hot stuff!! They mostly like to cuddle, although there are some deep, tender kisses as well.

So Donna seems like she has it all. So, so many students come to all of her pep rally shows. They’re huge! Standing room only! Everyone loves her, it’s amazing. But some jealous losers who work at the school newspaper begin to print blatant, horrible lies, saying that very few students actually attend these very popular pep rally shows. Its horrible, and sad. Very sad.

To make matters worse, the dumb stupid girl who used to be head cheerleader tries to bug Donna’s Iphone! What a dumb bitch! Crazily, some of the students in the school try to blame Donna for this, and call her a liar, but they’re all a bunch of dummy losers, so who cares what they think anyway?

By the end of the novel, Donna has had it up to here with all of these losers who try to bring her down, and she and her boyfriend Jon Stamos ride off into the sunset on the back of her pony, who turns out to actually be a super-awesome unicorn-robot. Donna sits behind Jon Stamos and wraps her arms around him, closing her eyes and using his warm, fluffy back hair as the ultimate pillow.

Kit Lively’s allegedly humorous writings and cartoons have been published by MAD, National Lampoon, Playboy, American Bystander, SpongeBob Comics, and more. His cartoon collection, Dammit! I Swallowed Another One! was called “The Far Side’s Dark Side†by Ain’t It Cool News. He’s a contributor to Funny or Die and is the managing editor of Weekly Humorist.