“Where did you find her?â€
“She was 200 miles from the U.S.–Mexico border. She snapped a Champagne glass in half and was holding the shard to the throat of a double-decker bus driver. She forced him to drive through the night. We found the bus in the parking lot of a Checkers/Rallys.â€
“Well. Did you bring her back?†The female ABC executive is not pleased. It’s not the first time a lead has run away. That’s to be expected. But no one has committed a kidnapping in order to escape before. Things must be bad.
“It wasn’t easy but she’s ready to go on,†says the security detail assigned to the lead.
The female executive gets up from behind her desk and walks over to the floor-to-ceiling windows. She looks down to the floor below and sees the lead being held in restraints. Her metallic gown is in tatters and there are twigs in her hair. Her eyes look so tired. She’s been fighting for so long, it’s the only thing she knows how to do now. If only someone would listen to her. If only someone would let her go.
The female executive narrows her eyes and looks at the pitiful woman. “We’ve got a show to do. Get her another metallic gown.â€
This week, Becca takes her contesticles to Las Vegas and we’re subjected to a series of terrible puns about gambling and mostly terrible dates. But the terrible dates aside, I’m left wondering: Who are we supposed to be rooting for?
On what planet does the sweet, gentle man who coded Venmo get sent home and a guy who groped a woman and believes the Earth is flat is still there?!?! Clearly the producers are filling Becca in on some of the drama and no one told her that Lincoln needs more evidence to prove that the Earth is round?
My boyfriend came home in the middle of the episode and asked about one of the contesticles who was onscreen “Do we like him?†and I had to answer “I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW.†I feel like I could answer that for every guy on this season.
But there is always a ray of light. A beacon of hope. There was one guy who fully disarmed me this week with how fucking dreamy he was: Connor with his glasses on.
Honorable dreamy dude mention: Leo with his glasses on was serving Mia Thermopolis realness.
Let’s get to some of these utterly bizarre dates. Up first, Becca takes Colton to a camel-riding ranch somewhere in the desert. Becca says she wants to see if her relationship with Colton can evolve to romance and chemistry. Becca. Don’t lie to me. You did that run and jump into his arms thing that skinny bitches do when they want to bang a dude. The only reason you kept him around was because he looks like porn Flash Gordon. After riding on some camels while they hold GoPros between their thighs for the least flattering camera angle ever, they head to a hot tub in the desert. Becca keeps shouting about how amazing it is that it’s a HOT TUB! IN THE DESERT! It’s a symbol of how we waste water on frivolous pursuits while there are droughts all over the southwestern states! How romantic!
Becca spends the entire hot-tub portion of the date seeking shelter under Colton’s chin. They head to a dinner where Colton reveals that he said “I love you†in a relationship a year ago but his girlfriend never reciprocated so now he associates the word “love†with pain and confusion. From how Becca is looking at his pecs, I think she cares more about what he associates with the word “wet.†They are making out. He gets the one-on-one rose.
Back at the house, David and Jordan are mentally preparing for their inevitable two-on-one date. Do they not watch the show? Going on the two-on-one date isn’t a good sign for your chances in the competition. No one’s romantic story begins with “I placed him in direct competition with someone who embodied the exact opposite qualities.â€
Up next is the group date. Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris are going to see who is going to be Becca’s Mr. Las Vegas. NO ONE puts it together that they’re going to meet Wayne Newton. I guess not everyone watched Vegas Vacation every weekend on TBS. When the contesticles arrive at Wayne Newton’s absurd and ostentatious mansion, Newton arrives on a white Arabian horse like a leathery god. He gives them a tour of his house and forces them to watch him sing to his wife. I wanna be that famous. Famous enough to force you to watch me sing a capella and make out with my spouse famous. The guys are tasked with doing their own version of “Danke Schoen†about their relationship with Becca. Nothing about a songwriting challenge says “BECCA!†but we’ve gotten two this season. Chris feels confident because this is the second iconic singer he’s met. When it comes to the performance, Chris takes a “Dean Martin four martinis in†approach and gets the crowd on their feet.
At the cocktail party afterward, he decides he’s going to take a more laid-back approach on a competition dating reality show and winds up without the group date rose. Blake tells Becca that he’s falling in love with her and she rightfully gives him the group date rose. Chris flies into a rage that we’re all too familiar with. “The bachelorette isn’t making time for ME.†There are 12 other dudes. She doesn’t need you. You need her but sure, she’s gotta impress you. Chris takes it a step further and keeps threatening to leave.
But we don’t have time to deal with that now. It’s time for the two-on-one date. We all know exactly how this was going to go so I’m just going to present to you a few choice quotes from Jordan while on this date.
“Becca looks so good in the Daisy Dukes and the boots. She looks like a snack.â€
“Your voice is so nasally. You’ve been a bitch ass. Love is the greatest power on Earth. Being me is my greatest power. Being you isn’t your greatest power.â€
“Models.â€
David and Jordan both go home.
It’s time for the cocktail party and Chris is still all up in his feelings. He believes that Becca should take the time to make him feel good for him to stay. Well, Becca definitely makes time for him to let him know that she knows he’s been talking shit. Chris sits down with Becca and goes “You owe me 50,000 kisses right now.†I wanted to catapult him into the sun when he said that. Chris becomes the most entitled and insufferable walking bootcut jeans in Las Vegas and they’re literally in Las Vegas. Their first interaction doesn’t go well so after complaining to every single guy at the cocktail party, Chris interrupts Wills.
Wills and Becca are talking about how they’re SUCH BIG NERDS. Y’all. I cannot. I refuse to believe that Becca is a nerd. I’m not some Ready Player One nerd gatekeeper but Becca was dating football players in college. You ain’t a nerd.
Wills graciously gives up a little bit of time and comes back in a few minutes to finish his conversation with Becca about being a huge nerd. Chris refuses to get up. He keeps asking for a few more minutes with Becca. Becca is sitting completely still. Maybe she hopes that Chris’s vision is based on movement and if she sits quietly for long enough, all of this will go away. Chris is not perceptive enough to see that when a man is standing over you, rubbing his hands together slowly and saying “I’m gonna ask you politely,†you’re about to get your ass kicked.
Wills also tells Chris later in the cocktail party “’Sup, baby?†after returning to the group with a big smile on his face after making out with Becca. I’m #TeamWills now.
Chris manages to get into a fight with everyone about how they’re all victims. Even though he’s crying that the girl he likes THOUGHT IT WAS RUDE when he tried to eliminate himself from the dating reality show they all voluntarily signed up for.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln (UGH), Leo, Connor (he has way too many shirt buttons unbuttoned), and Chris all get roses. I guess we’re going to get one more week of drama from Chris to satisfy the producers or Becca really has TERRIBLE taste in men.