There was one clue that Chris was doomed. There was one sign that everything was falling apart. Before he walked alone (with a camera crew) through the dark historic streets to Becca’s hotel room. Before he threw a fit at the cocktail party. Before he pulled what we in the biz like to call “A Rubio†at the Becca-lection debate. I knew. I saw his big-ass, wonky-ass pocket square. Listen, Chris exhibited some entitled and mean behavior and we’ll get to all of that.
But WHAT WAS HAPPENING with that pocket square?! It looked like a spy who had to hide his parachute before walking into the Republican National Convention. It was like a raccoon shoved a tablecloth from a Rally’s or Checkers in his pocket. He looked like a butler for the Denver Broncos.
His pocket square is bad. Only a man with a tenuous grasp on reality would make his pocket square look like that.
Becca delivers a completely sincere and unscripted #ad for Richmond, Virginia. Everyone kept repeating how much history took place in Richmond, Virginia, and the phrase “Virginia Is for Lovers.†Apparently, “Virginia Is for Lovers†is an ad campaign from the ’60s: “Virginia Is for Mountain Lovers,†“Virginia Is for Beach Lovers.†When it comes to history, it was where Patrick Henry delivered his “Give me liberty or give me death†speech, and it served as the permanent capital of the Confederate States of America. So, history-wise, Richmond is a real mixed bag.
Becca is starting the week hopeful, ripping out pages of wedding magazines on the plane. There are moments when I deeply relate to Becca, and reading wedding magazines when you fly and leaving them in a strange city is one of them. She sits down with host Chris and tells him that the darkness inside her is receding.
Before we can even get into the festivities of the week, Chris is setting himself up for another loser edit. He’s treating this week like a redemption week, and he’s going to make his relationship with Becca even greater than it was before. This is what we like to call dramatic irony.
The first date card of the week goes to Jason, Becca’s last remaining business boy. Chris takes Jason’s date card and makes it all about him. He says that he would even prefer a two-on-one because he can go against anyone. This motherfucker is TIRING. Lincoln, the flat-earther and sexual harasser, decides to step into the fray and tries to reason with Chris by calling him a crybaby. This is the nadir of manhood. Two grown men on a dating reality show asking each other “Are you crying, baby?†and calling each other fat. Men are done. I know this will be tough for some of you and your loved ones, but men are no longer allowed. We’ve given them all the power in the world and this is what they have done. Anger issues and stupid haircuts.
Jason straight-up leaves to get ready for his date. Becca is taking him on a day full of surprises. First, they go to St. John’s Church and talk about all the history! Then they head to a weird unhappy hour where all of Richmond’s Evanescence fans hang out. This party looked like some PA ran to the party supply store and picked up all the out-of-season Halloween supplies. Then Becca took Jason to a bar where his friends were waiting for them. There wasn’t really a theme to this date. They also played a lot of voice-over of Becca and Jason talking about how excited they are to spend time with each other.
I think one of his friends was named Hawk?
I did really like that Jason was genuinely excited to see his friends and gave them all a big hug. I’m sure he was just relieved to see someone who wasn’t in a passive-aggressive argument. They headed to the night portion of the date, and Jason opened up about going with his father to see his grandmother who had Alzheimer’s and his grandmother didn’t recognize his father. Jason just looks like Joey Donner from 10 Things I Hate About You and shares none of the personality traits. Jason can get it. He gets the rose.
The next date card arrives and it’s for Colton, Garrett, Wills, Connor, Blake, Lincoln and Chris.
THAT MEANS LEO GETS THE ONE-ON-ONE DATE. OH MY GOD. I’m so excited for Leo. How is he going to do his hair? Top knot? Beachy waves? Half-up, half-down?
The group date features a pretty accurate Lincoln impersonator and some guy in a wig claiming to be George Washington. The group-date activity is a bad idea. The freakin’ governor comes out to ask a question at the debate because he has nothing better to do? Lincoln decides to use his time answering a question to throw shade on Chris. Chris decides to handle the whole thing like an adult and diffuses the situation with humor and grace.
JUST KIDDING! This sentient goatee says that Becca would be disgusted with all the things the guys are saying back at the house. He says that he would love to go on a two-on-one with Lincoln because it would be easy. He swears into a microphone in front of children. Blake jumps into the fray to try to calm everything down. Chris keeps asking, “How many times do I have to defend myself?†I mean, the answer is none, my guy. None times. Just keep your goddamned mouth shut. It’s The Bachelorette, not a court of law.
At the cocktail party, Lincoln takes Becca aside to tell her that he believes that Chris is capable of violence and should not be left alone near sharp objects. Becca takes Chris aside to give him his producer-mandated time. His response is, “Is this a joke? This is 100% serious?†Only good guys respond to allegations of verbal abuse with “Is this a joke?†Becca is clearly upset and Chris is laughing.
Garrett tries to pull Becca aside and she’s so shaken, she needs a few minutes. He storms back downstairs and tells Chris that whatever bullshit he’s feeling needs to end because it’s actively damaging Becca and the show.
Ruin your life all you want, Drama from Entourage, but quit fucking with the rest of us! Ugh, I agree with Garrett. Wills calmly says, “If I don’t get to talk to Becca, I’m going to lose my shit,†and Garrett screams, “I WAS PLANNING TO OPEN UP TO HER!†I appreciate the emotional vulnerability, but the intensity could be turned down just a notch.
Chris keeps talking about how it’s not fair. Who told white men with terrible facial hair that their lives got to be fair? He’s competing with Connor in those glasses, for Christ’s sake.
Wills tells Becca that he’s falling in love with her, and Colton gets the group-date rose. Just bang him already, Becca.
It’s time for Leo’s one-on-one date.
LEO.
CAN.
GET.
IT.
Leo wears his hair in a cute li’l bun that shows off his jawline. He harvests an oyster right out of the bay. He says the phrase “she should have the freedom to choose and do what she wants and make the best decision for her future.†That’s how low the bar is: a man endorsing female autonomy. He gets the one-on-one rose.
After Leo comes home from his date, Chris decides that it’s time to take things into his own hands. Lincoln eats 12 eggs a day and THIS WILL NOT STAND. He makes the long walk to Becca’s hotel and just walks inside once she opens the door. Becca asks him, “What are you doing here?†about 16 times. If a woman’s first reaction to your sudden appearance is “What are you doing here,†you done goofed. Becca tells him, “There are too many red flags. I don’t think we can get there,†and Chris says, “What are you trying to say?†When Becca tells him it’s over, he becomes that “screaming internally†GIF. He tries to regain some of his dignity by refusing to let Becca walk him out. Don’t let the door hit you, human equivalent of a Bud Light Platinum.
Becca knows exactly what she wants to do, so the cocktail party is canceled. It’s time for the rose ceremony. Garrett, Blake, and Wills all get roses. Connor says good-bye and Lincoln doesn’t get a good-bye package.
Next week, we’re off to the Bahamas! Finally, a truly luxurious vacation!