Tom Hanks Gives Bullied Boy Named Corona a Corona Typewriter, Gives Bullies Fresh Material

“A kid will definitely love this.� Photo: Gravitas Ventures

There are so many things to unpack in this news item from Australian Channel 7 headlined “Coronavirus: Tom Hanks replies to Queensland boy bullied over name Corona.� Here is a story that will be studied in future history classes about the global coronavirus pandemic, not to mention future virtual UCB satire-writing workshops livestreamed on Quibi from a Maggiano’s party room rented by the hour. Apparently, an 8-year-old boy named Corona De Vries wrote to Tom Hanks about being bullied, saying that “at school people call me coronavirus.� Hanks, who had contracted and was treated for the coronavirus while in Australia in March, cheered the lad up by sending him a very special gift: not Toy Story 4 merch, which some would call the obvious choice, but a typewriter. Ah, yes, just what every bullied kid wants: more fodder for the bullies. Channel 7 specifies that young Corona was “named after the outermost layer of the sun,� which, again, would make us think some Buzz Lightyear action figures would be perfect. But sure, a typewriter works, too. Li’l Corona can chuck it at oncoming bullies, or use it to write revenge fiction. Hanks is famously a collector of typewriters, and the one he sent to wee Corona wasn’t just any typewriter. It was a Corona-brand typewriter, see, and Hanks enclosed a letter with it, saying: “I thought this typewriter would suit you. I had taken it to the Gold Coast, and now it is back — with you. Ask a grown-up how it works.�

Imagine being a sad bullied kid who gets a big package the exact size and weight of a PlayStation 4, sent from a Hollywood celebrity, and opening it to find this:

Now imagine being Tom Hanks, kissing your grown son Chet Haze good-bye before lugging a vintage typewriter on a 20-hour flight from Los Angeles to Australia. Did he buy it a first-class seat? Did it wear a seat belt? Did he get some typing done, or did he just start watching Alita: Battle Angel and then fall asleep for 15 hours? Now imagine shipping it back to the Gold Coast; the carbon footprint this typewriter has! Considering that this was the typewriter Hanks and Wilson had in self-isolation, we do hope Hanks at least gave it a Clorox wipe-down.