“Star light, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
For Pinocchio to become a real boy shambling, dead-eyed CGI monstrosity.â€
—Robert Zemeckis kneeling at his window in a stocking cap making a wish, date unknown.
Hot on the heels of Disney+’s self-aware send-up of its own CGI reboot machine, Chip ’n’ Dale: Rescue Rangers, the streaming service released the teaser trailer for Pinocchio (2022). Not to be confused with Pinocchio (2022) or Pinocchio (2022), this Pinocchio (2022) is a remake of Disney’s Pinocchio (1940). Capisce? This version sets itself apart from the others in its lack of Guillermo del Toro’s lovingly rendered motion capture or Pauly Shore’s Oscar-worthy voice performance. What it does have is Tom Hanks in a silly little mustache doing a silly little voice that’s a tad more restrained from going full-blown “Mamma mia! This-a boy, he madeofthewood!†It also features Cynthia Erivo as the Blue Fairy and Joseph Gordon-Levitt as a version of Jiminy Cricket that should be paying Henry Selick royalties. The movie will be out September 8 on Disney+ as a part of Disney+ Day, beating Netflix’s del Toro movie to the punch by three months. Hi-diddle-dee-dee, bitches!