Two of the year’s most anticipated shows, Yellowjackets and Succession, return this weekend, and while at first the two series don’t seem to have too much in common beyond a premiere date, upon closer examination, they have more in common than you’d think. Succession follows the Roys’ familial competition to be chairman of a multinational conglomerate, while the Yellowjackets are a 1996 high school soccer team trying to survive in the woods after their plane crashes. Both shows have characters who simply will not give up. It got us thinking about how the Roys and Roy-adjacents would fare if their PJ went down in the middle of nowhere. Sure, the Succession characters are cut throat, but would they cut literal throats?
It’s unclear if the zero-point-one percenters of Waystar Royco could survive without their extensive staff and money in civilization, let alone for 19 months in the wilderness by themselves. The Yellowjackets survivors are athletes and high school girls — two of the toughest demographics out there. They learned to hunt, butcher, and forage to get through winter in the woods. And, oh right, it also seems like they ate each other.
Which Roys would do the same? We’ve ranked them from least to most likely to survive.
11. Kendall
Kendall is such a sensitive soft boy he wouldn’t even make it out of the plane. He’d die sitting among the flames, paralyzed by fear. Or, if he miraculously did survive the crash, he’d have so much PTSD he’d forget to eat and starve to death.
10. Connor
The self-proclaimed “future president†already lives in a state of denial, which might actually help him mentally escape the terror of being stranded. But you can only disassociate for so long, and once he faced reality, he’d be the one to make a poorly planned escape attempt à la Laura Lee. Although, if Connor tried to fix an antique plane, it would probably explode in his face before he got it off the ground.
9. Greg
Cousin Greg would do terribly in the woods. He’s the type to immediately get lost or accidentally eat poison berries. However, he does seem to be extremely lucky, so his bumbling could get other people killed rather than himself… for a while. Ultimately, Greg’s naïveté and height would make him a target when the group turns to cannibalism; he simply has more meat to go around.
8. Frank
Frank is the Coach Ben of the executive team. He’s just trying to mind his own business, and he’s technically in charge as COO, but no one respects him or really notices he’s there most of the time. Frank has been fired and re-hired so many times that he’s used to being a sacrificial lamb in the name of the company. From there, it’s not a huge leap to being sacrificed in the name of pagan gods.
7. Gerri
Now we’re getting to characters who might survive if they play things right. Gerri’s incredible at staying calm in stressful situations and aligning herself with people in power. Plus, she has two unnamed daughters to live for. Unfortunately, she’s not a natural leader, and if she doesn’t have any useful skills beyond business, the group may tire of her quickly. Gerri’s life will depend on who she chooses as an ally, much like in the show Survivor (which Gerri sadly could not go on because CBS is a competitor of ATN).
6. Roman
With the energy of a feral child, Roman is a wildcard. This makes him a bit like Misty, but unlike her, he doesn’t know first aid and has a highly questionable work ethic. Like, when he went “hunting†in season two, the boars were pre-rounded up for the Roys to shoot. Roman’s probably already eaten human flesh as some sort of fucked-up delicacy, but we doubt he’d make it to that point in the wilderness. He’d die before winter trying to prove his ego by fighting a wolf bare-handed.
5. Logan
For the first few months, Logan would coast on everyone thinking they want to be in his good graces when they get back to society. The man already threatens to kill people on the regular. But as the real world fades away, he’d have to pull a Lottie and create a true cult of personality to continue wielding power. We know he can build an empire from poor beginnings, but this time his ailing health might screw him over. Without modern medicine, if Logan gets another UTI he’s dead.
4. Willa
Willa could surprise us. As far as we know, she had a middle or lower class upbringing so decidedly has more basic skills than the Roys. Maybe she did Girl Scouts! Or at least she bought Girl Scout cookies from an actual Girl Scout instead of having an assistant do it. Either way, she’s good at using people (okay, mostly Connor) to get what she wants, and she shouldn’t be underestimated.
3. Siobhan
Moving into the top three, we’re confident these people would actually make it out alive. We know that Shiv is willing to set aside her values for personal gain, or in this case, survival. She’d pass the time thinking about how well she can spin being a plane crash survivor to the media. When it comes time to make hard choices, Shiv would easily give a long, pandering speech proclaiming cannibalism is “bad†right before eating a family member.
2. Tom
Tom is from Minnesota, so he knows cold winters well. He’s also accepted doom before, when he thought he was going to prison, but he always seems to find a way out. He’d be a good butcher like Shauna since he’s not squeamish about bodily fluids, having famously swallowed his own at his bachelor party. Normally, Tom has to hide his desire for power in order to be palatable, but this is a guy who whole-heartedly participated in “Boar on the Floor;†he’d absolutely thrive outside the restrictions of polite society.
1. Ewan
You probably weren’t expecting Greg’s grandfather and Logan’s brother to be included on the list. But of all the Roys and their hanger-ons, he is the crunchiest granola by far, best known for willing all his money to Greenpeace. Plus, he’s a war veteran, and although Logan sniped that Ewan mainly did kitchen duty, that means he knows how to cook — something we can’t confirm about any of the others, who rely on private chefs or Postmates. Ewan’s likely the only one who knows a mushroom type other than truffle. Long live Uncle Ewan.