Everyone Megan Thee Stallion Gave Their 24 Hours of Attention

Megan Thee Stallion really had us waking up to a crime scene. “Hiss,� the Houston rapper’s latest single, addresses the horde of misogynistic ops on the internet (who still insist on supporting Tory Lanez) with a torrent of disses, overlapping metaphors, and lethal allusions. A follow-up to “Cobra,� her second release since going independent is a quick-spitted rundown of all the criticisms lobbed her way and a nasty rebuttal that will have active listeners examining every multilayered diss for at least the first 48 hours.

It only took Nicki Minaj an hour to scramble together an IG Live. Minaj dragged it even further on January 26 by reminding her fans that “Gag City doesn’t condone ‘bullying.’� Let’s get a jump-start on it and develop our forensic file for the stacks of dead bodies Megan leaves in her wake. This, ladies, theydies, and gentlethems, is “Hiss.�

“I feel like Mariah Carey, got these niggas so obsessed / My pussy so famous, might get managed by Kris Jenner next.�

Right off the bat, Stalli’s letting us know that she’s about to wild out in the most hilarious way. Referencing Carey’s early-2000s beef with Eminem — one of the rare occasions when an R&B artist (some would say thee R&B artist) demolishes a rapper — clues us in on how she’s about to use humor to body her foes.

“He can’t move on, can’t let it go, he hooked, nose full of that Tina Snow / And since niggas need Megan help to make money, bitch, come be my ho.�

I’m just … I love it when Meg got that battery in her back. The “he� here could be a number of people. In the top three possibilities for me is her ex, Pardison Fontaine, whom she alluded to in “Cobra� as a stank-ass cheater who was getting sloppy top in the same bed they sleep in. Shortly after that song’s release, Pardi dropped his own diss record, which sounded like a third-grader being asked to read their slam poetry in front of the class (no offense to third-graders).

Tory Lanez makes second on the list, but that tiny hairless fiend is in the clinker, so he’s pretty much a non-mf-factor. They did fuck around, a fact that Meg was understandably embarrassed to share with Gayle King, much to the frustration of the northern gremlin.

Finally, Carl Crawford, the owner of 1501 Records, the label Megan sued in order to get out of an allegedly exploitative contract. This might be a reach, but he was publicly talking cash shit about her over a contract dispute last year. After the suit was settled, the label dropped a press release (likely written by candlelight, because I’m positive that electricity bill wasn’t getting paid) where Carl apologized, calling Meg an “iconic� artist.

We can’t leave out the second bar here, which references the ways artists, bloggers, and that pink-haired lady all use Megan’s name to get attention and views. When Meg first told the world that she got shot, hip-hop bloggers basically acted like she was lying about it, convincing listeners that a lady with a hole in her foot was just doin’ it for engagement. So she flips the dynamic and invites them to do some tricking for her.

“I can never be judged by a bitch that was dancin’, makin’ R. Kelly go viral.�

This part might be a li’l hard to parse. Fans believe she’s referring to YouTube host Tasha K, a.k.a. Nicki Minaj’s favorite microphone, who just got sued by Cardi B for defamation. This line may refer to last November, when R. Kelly sued the U.S. Prison Bureau for leaking information to Tasha K. Yes, it’s as ridiculous as it sounds. Let’s move on.

 “Why the fuck would I stay with a nigga that’s weak in the sheets and don’t know how to please me? Bodies on bodies on bodies / Say he fucked Megan and now he the topic / These niggas thinkin’ they lowered the value / All this free promo, I’m turnin’ a profit.�

Again, we get the language of turning a trick based on the idea of Meg’s supposed promiscuity. I imagine these bars are about Pardi because, while Pardi does have some writing credits and a couple songs to his name, he’s never been more talked about than when he was coupled up with Stalli. Unfortunately, if it is about Pardi, despite the “FEMINIST� tat, he really struggles with pleasing the girls. Interesting.

“Say he a player, but he in his feelings / Bet I won’t give up the pussy again / Shit, should’ve gave it to his friend.�

I know that friend is somewhere HURT because it really could’ve been them. Hate to see it.

“These hoes don’t be mad at Megan, these hoes mad at Megan’s Law�

Now this line was the first one that had me losing my mind because BAYBEE. This appears to be a direct shot at Nicki Minaj, who is married to Kenneth Petty, a documented sex offender, whom Nicki seemed adamant in making a part of her public persona. Megan’s Law refers to a federal policy that mandates law enforcement make information on sexual predators public, named after Megan Kanka, a 7-year-old girl who, in 1994, was stalked, sexually assaulted, and killed by a neighbor who’d already been convicted for child molestation in Mercer, New Jersey.

Now, listen, I know they’re married, so bringing your spouse to all the galas, strip clubs, and hood Chinese spots is a thing, but like, damn girl, it’s really not a good look. Nicki knows this; it’s why she’s attempted to get him off that list and has been accused of stoking a Barb-led harassment campaign toward his victim — and Meg twists the knife on that insecurity here, saying that all Nicki’s anger toward her is simply a misread. And you know what that is? Tea. 

“Bitches swear they G, but the G must stand for goofy / When the fuck did all the gangster niggas turn to groupies? / Everybody wanna kick it when you ain’t a threat / These niggas don’t like me ’cause they know I’m on they neck.�

This was pretty much a shot across the industry. Definitely a Nicki sub, but also a recognition of the moment people started to treat Meg differently in celebrity circles. It was really all fun and games until (a) she started to really build her audience in the mainest of streams and (b) after she got shot and rappers became hit dogs hollerin’.

“All these li’l rap niggas so fraud / Xanax be they hardest bars / These niggas hate on BBLs and be walkin’ round with the same scars.�

This was the moment I lost it again, because speculation around Drake’s plastic surgery has existed for a hot minute, but to put it on wax like this? The scream I scrumpt. This is also just funny because Aubrey is pressed to tell us that he’s definitely living that rapper lifestyle, as if we don’t know dude is a whole actor. Justice for Jimmy!

“Don’t speak on my body count if the dick ain’t worth comin’ back for seconds / Cosplay gangsters, fake-ass accents / Posted in another nigga hood like a bad bitch.�

This lady is so funny. There’s always been rumors about the possibility of Meg and Drake doin the freakin’. She doesn’t necessarily say it’s him here, but the rest of this bar is absolutely about Aubrey, who runs through accents and cultural aesthetics like the tomb raider. The kicker about being posted in another nigga’s hood like a bad bitch, at least in my reading, also points back to the BBL line, because he really do be cheesin’ it up in other people’s hoods like a “happy to be there� girlfriend.

“These niggas don’t have fans, they bots / These bitches don’t have ass, they shots / And they still tuned in if they fans or not.�

This Nicki sub might go underappreciated, but Meg shouting out the bot farms — the practice of using AI to automatically hit play on digital streaming apps — in Wisconsin or whatever running up streaming numbers for songs that none of us have heard outside Barbland is magical. And the fact that she just knew Nicki would be listening to this record because she really don’t have anything better to do was PEAK. Nicki immediately responded with a rap snippet where she rhymes “foot� with “foot� like four times, and … yeah, Dr. Seuss is pissed off in his grave right now.

“I’m way too fuckin’ cocky to take him back if he been cheatin’ / I can’t let none of you raggedy bitches think that y’all my equal.�

Remember that slam poem Pardi did? Apparently, it was a very sad attempt to neg Stalli into taking him back? Strange strategy there. Needless to say, it, uh, didn’t work at all.

“Ever since I claimed the summer, all you bitches want a season / Ask a ho why she don’t like me, bet she can’t give you a reason.�

So back in 2019, in the halcyon days of Nicki faking like she actually liked Meg, they dropped “Hot Girl Summer,� which was undoubtedly a big hit for her. Back then, it was pretty clear Meg had all the respect for Nicki and said it publicly many times. Which makes Nicki’s vitriol toward her all the more confusing.

“Say, bitch-ass nigga, don’t type me nothin’ else, don’t write me nothin’ else / Download JPay since y’all niggas got so much to say / Or schedule a conjugal visit or somethin’ / Dick ridin-ass niggas.�

Drake probably crying and vomiting somewhere, mustering up the gumption to write some corny IG caption about dick-glazing tendencies. But luckily, Meg is sex-positive and wants only the best. She recommends that all the Tory-lifers hop on JPay and take care of they man. Or they can get organized and place a conjugal on the GCal, ya know? It’s probably a better use of time.