Bachelor in Paradise. You were my favorite. You were a respite from the inane tedium of the main franchise. You had it all, and you could have soared higher than the highest clouds. A sinful, decadent utopia where all my favorite aspiring Instagram influencers could rack up the smooches and end up in a focus-group-approved proposal. The emotional toll of a “Spiciest Kiss World Record†was worth it to see maybe one or two couples who would never have met if it weren’t for the beach kiss and run off into the sunset. Most of the time I hated those couples, but every now and then, we’d get two cute people just being cute and learning to love each other!
But now? What the fuck is this? This isn’t my beach! In its attempts to be more lively and wring more drama out of these #RevolvePartners, the show has become completely broken. I no longer see a dating show featuring the hottest software-sales reps and flight attendants this country has to offer. All I see is the cold, manipulative hand of production.
Am I excited Justin is back? Yes! I love that li’l bearded goof. Does it make one single lick of sense? Absolutely not. Production saw the opportunity to drive apart Rodney and Eliza, a couple of two days whom we have zero real investment in, and ran with it. Could they have built some other twist in which other eliminated or dismissed cast members got to come back to the beach for one last grasp at fame — I mean, romance? Yes! There are people left over after the split and the reunion. Bring back Sierra to make out with Adam! Well, maybe they could if half of the “eliminated people†weren’t actually people who left because they were sick of how the season was going. Production seems to have squandered most of its goodwill from the contestants and is intent on squandering the audience’s patience. (There are how many episodes left this season? Are we in the middle or the end? Who else could be coming to the beach at this point?)
So how do we fix Paradise? I have a few completely wild ideas:
• Just go full Love Island, you dummies. Give everyone ridiculous body mics and phones and leave them the fuck alone. I’ve managed to watch a few Love Island U.K. episodes at the urging of every single person I know and most of the comments section, and damn, it’s just an easier watch. The pressure to get engaged being lifted opens the whole thing up for more smooches and less guilt about switching between partners mid-episode. These little draconian 20-somethings are making it impossible for the premise of Bachelor in Paradise to function, so take it all away.
• Actually make someone “the Bachelorette of Paradise.†Boom. Every episode, only one person is allowed to give out a rose, and a parade of hotties are brought in for their pleasure.
• Bring in people who have never been on the show before. Right now, we’re just watching production try to get some people who have been partying together at musical festivals to pretend they don’t know one another and create some drama along the way. If everyone’s DMs are open and their minds are made up before they even hit the beach, why not shake up the whole goddamn thing and bring on some people who were unavailable for regular-season filming or weren’t the leads’ type? They might be easier to manipulate by production, they might stare straight into the camera and say they’re being held hostage by a PA in a headset, but either way, it’ll be interesting.
Whatever the solution, Paradise as we know it cannot stand. Let’s get to it!
It’s a rose ceremony?? And the women have the roses?!? What goddamn sense does this make? Do I have to do everything? Here: The OG cast should have the roses. The OG men can give them to the women they want and the OG women can give them to the men they want. Let the women go first if you want, but I have no interest in who Florence gives her rose to — or, rather, who production tells Florence to give her rose to.
There are 11 men and ten women, so that means one Adam will be going home. The biggest love triangle on the beach is the Johnny-Victoria-Alex isosceles nightmare. Johnny is upset he even has to compete with Alex because Victoria shouldn’t want her potential fiancé to have a “job†or “a career goal.†That’s just so uncool, and Alex says he’s going to pursue Victoria as if she’s Sarah Connor and he’s the Terminator. But in a sexy, romantic way. Also, amid the fracas of realizing it’s a rose ceremony, Sarah from Clayton’s season has left because of a family emergency. Be well, Sarah. I wish you had gotten more revenge on Logan!
Somewhere in the middle of this cocktail party, we get an aside in which Wells grills each set of ladies about which group is the messiest. Jessenia says that since the OG women came back, there’s been a trail of ants in the shower. This doesn’t even make sense. Is Serene showering with strawberry jam? Jessenia says, “Yeah, sure, there’s bugs, but ants in the shower!†That’s a bridge too far. Wells brings over Genevieve, who says someone spilled their blush everywhere, and now there’s blush on her slippers! As someone who went to a women’s college and had communal bathrooms for three out of four years, let me say that, yes, women are gross. There’s hair, there’s blood, there’s Aussie Moist Shampoo and Conditioner. Everyone knows it and gets over that shocking fact by the time they graduate college or live with their first roommate. This shouldn’t be a discussion on Paradise, and it certainly shouldn’t be framed as “Which group of women is grosser?†It’s just another way to pit the women against one another for absolutely no entertainment payoff.
Elsewhere on the beach, the last-ditch rose attempts are being made. Jacob and Shanae sit down to bond over their perfect smiles and brush each other’s teeth with charcoal toothpaste. I’m glad we’ve finally seen this scene so we can stop seeing it in the previews. This will either be an unholy disaster or these two will get married and have 15 kids. I see no in-between. Alex reminds Victoria that he’ll always be there … waiting. And Johnny and Victoria sit down to talk about how this affirms what they feel for each other, and she asks him, while nestled in his chest, if he really likes her. Victoria is such a fascinating case. She seems so conflict averse, doesn’t seem to trust her gut, and will slowly make questionable decisions and not own up to them at all. She’s wildly confident and incredibly unsure of herself at the same time. Amazing to watch.
Time for the rose ceremony. All the people you think are going to get roses from the people you think they are getting one from do. Serene-Brandon, Danielle-Michael, Genevieve-Aaron, Kate-Logan. Then there are the new couples on the beach: Jessenia and Andrew, Eliza and Andrew, Brittany and Tyler, and Shanae and Jacob because sure, why not. That leaves Victoria to solve for X in this love triangle and Florence to just do something. Victoria gives her rose to Johnny and Florence gives hers to Alex. Haha, okay! Sure! Adam is leaving the beach. Did we ever hear him speak human language? G’day, mate!
Now it’s a new day in Paradise, and everyone is happily coupled up! Johnny is not excited about Alex still being on the beach. Brittany and Tyler are going for a run on the sand, and Aaron is just a happy guy seemingly for the first time in his natural life. Here comes the first date card of the week! It’s for Victoria! Someone do the math because I have a feeling that most of the dates this season have been shared between Victoria and Shanae. They don’t need the date. Take a page out of Love Island’s book and set up a stupid game in which everyone has to straddle one another and kiss to solve a riddle.
Side note: Every time Victoria calls Johnny “Sugar,†it seems as if she’s someone who read about pet names in a magazine and is trying them out for the first time.
They head off to — aw, fuck me — some version of a “spiritual ceremony†lead by a man beating a drum and chanting. The whole thing seems as if it’s either a real Indigenous ceremony that we’re getting absolutely no context or information about or just a cobbled-together ceremony full of “Indigenous-esque†elements. Either way, it’s all for these white people to whisper about their feelings in a sweat lodge of some kind. Victoria says she’s always been let down by people and she’s scared because Johnny really likes her. Johnny says that when people get close to him, they disappear, and he feels as though he’s not good enough for her. I’d like the terms “good enough†and “her†clearly defined in this exercise. By the end of the date, they’re both drenched in sweat, speaking at a decibel level only detectable by dogs, and saying they are falling in love with each other!
Back on the beach, oh shit, Justin is back! Jesse is acting very surprised and like he doesn’t know what Justin is here to do. He’s here to fuck shit up and take Eliza on a date, in that order. All the guys are thrilled to see Justin before they realize he’s there as an agent of chaos.
Meanwhile, Genevieve is walking around complaining loudly about how much his personality sucks and how he wronged her and Eliza will realize soon enough. Let’s just do the Aaron and Genevieve stuff now: Aaron is finally annoyed by Genevieve talking about Justin nonstop. He says the way she frames their relationship is that Aaron was her second choice and she might still be with Justin if he acted even 5 percent nicer. Do I absolutely believe that Genevieve fixates on negative events and talks about them constantly even if she doesn’t see it as dwelling on them? Ten million percent. Do I think Aaron is doing the most with this set of emotions? Also 10 million percent, but that’s his right. Genevieve melts down at the idea that he’s upset with her, that she is talking about Justin too much, and that Aaron might not know exactly how much she cares about him. This leaves Aaron to self-soothe and calm Genevieve down. He says he was overreacting, and I hope that’s a genuine reflection and not what he thinks he needs to say to end this conversation. Genevieve heads to a corner to sob. No need for that, girl! Just stop talking about your ex and his shitty personality! It ends later with a conversation in which Aaron barely makes eye contact with her and they have the most awkward, stiff hug and they’re both kinda crying. Yay … love …
Justin is on the beach, and he’s got his eyes on Eliza, who is flattered beyond belief that two men would be interested in her. She goes to talk to Rodney and decides that the right thing for Rodney to do is tell her not to go on the date. The thing that no one fucking does in Paradise. That’s not how this works. This is delusional. This is some 26-year-old logic. All love and respect to the 26-year-olds out there. I was once one of you. While I was in my 26th year, my operating system was not fully functional, and I did some positively bullshit dumb nonsense. (Halloween weekend 2014. That’s all I’ll say.) Eliza tells Rodney that Justin asked her on a date, and Rodney does the reasonable thing and says, “I don’t want you to go on the date. I do want you to be able to explore and get the clarity that you need. It would be hypocritical and selfish for me to tell you not to go.†Eliza wishes he threw a Gaston-style fit and forbade her from going to proclaim his love. Rodney is many things, but he seems to be a reasonable man who doesn’t want to look like an asshole on TV. Eliza wipes her tears and mourns their two-day relationship and is ready to go out with Justin.
Justin looks out onto the beach, lit by the sunset, in his blouse. It’s fabulous, he looks great in it … but it’s a blouse. There is no consequential information revealed on their date, and they kiss under the fireworks. Now that we’ve seen that moment from the promo, I’m excited to never see it again. Somewhere else on the beach, Rodney says he’ll do anything for Eliza. To be continued …