This season is making me have to utter the single worst sentence I could ever have to utter: I feel kinda bad for Shanae.
Ugh! Ugh! Blech! Ooooohhhh that felt WEIRD. Majorly weird, but oof, this show is making me align with some strange characters! And it’s also making me feel bad for them!
This is the episode where everyone is reunited from the Split™ and everyone on the beach is salivating at the possibility of a Shanae meltdown. They’re like … excited for it? And doing a bunch of nonsense to make that more likely. I’m sorry, everyone, if you’re worried about Shanae burning the whole beach down in anger, should you be really peering over the balcony and cheering at the top of your lungs for Logan and Kate? Is that what you think you should be doing? You don’t get to poke the bear and then cry when your arm gets snatched off. And Shanae doesn’t even snatch anyone’s arms off! (Well, not really. She definitely shouldn’t have called Logan slow.)
The thing Shanae is the most annoyed about isn’t that Logan was interested in Kate. That sucks, yes, but Shanae was busy smooching Tyler. But being told that it was her fault that Logan ran into Kate’s arms and that Kate (and everyone else) boasted about snagging Logan by kissing him where Shanae could see. … when Logan gave Shanae a bunch of grievances that he’d never brought up to her in an attempt to justify his behavior instead of just using some vague Bachelor in Paradise nonsense, I knew that this man’s bad choices were not just a fluke on Gabachel’s season but a concerted, sustained effort to make the worst decisions possible within one human lifetime. Kate just wanted the thrill of taking Shanae’s man and seeing her get riled up, and everyone else on the beach was happy to help.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but GUYS, SHANAE WAS WRONGED. I don’t like this! Please, someone, free me from this empathy!
Let’s get to it.
In this reunion episode, there isn’t really a “narrative†or “story,†just a series of encounters where each couple is reunited on the beach with varying degrees of romantic success. You can see production keeping the women at the top of the stairs and letting them down one by one like they’re manning a waterslide. But first, Jesse Palmer heads to the Estates to tell the women that they will be returning to Paradise. They can return in whatever order they want (as long as it’s approved by production) and whenever they’re ready (as long as it’s between noon and 2 p.m.). This week has been about testing your relationship and seeing if it can withstand temptation or adversity. He says that the beach will be a very different beach when they return. It’s like a 55 percent different beach at most, but it’s time for the OG women to face the facts and head back. So why don’t we just run through each couple as they reunite on the beach and dig into what exactly is going on?
Genevieve & Aaron
Look at these two big-featured, big-mouthed goofs. These crazy kids just might make it work! Genevieve is coming down to the beach with all the anxiety of someone who missed a period and Aaron is just grinning, excited to see his woman. Wow, wow, wow. Genevieve and Aaron sit down and she tells him how she’s spent literally every minute of the last few days crying. He asks about the other guys that were there and she tells him she didn’t even look at them. Aaron says that yes, the new girls came in and some guys were tempted … BUT NOT HIM!!! He didn’t go on any dates, girl!! That’s still your man!! They made verbal commitments and they both stuck to them! Genevieve says that their time apart really solidified how confident she felt in their relationship and that this has bonded them together. He says he spent every day in the pool playing sharks and minnows.
Shanae & Logan
Shanae heads back to the beach, excited to spend time with Logan again, and she knows he’s waiting for her. She’s all in on Logan.
Listen, I’ve said a lot of what I wanted to say about Shanae and Logan and how basically the entire set of men and new women are determined to watch this bitch break. Sarah is excited that Shanae is going to be the vessel of Logan’s karma for disrespecting her. Andrew says, “Storm Shanae is here.†Aaron ends up saying that she should put herself in a padded cell in a straight jacket so she can work on herself. Hey, buddy? Aaron! Big guy? Fuck you, dude. Not funny, not charming, not witty. Ableist, misogynist, and just plain gross. Fuck off … forever!
Logan sits down with Shanae and she tells him that being away from him made her realize just how much she cares for him, and she did go on a date with Tyler but she’s ready to be with Logan. Logan says that he was asked on two dates and because he had to watch Shanae kiss James, he decided he had earned the same right. Like … I guess, dude??? Also, when she said, “I’m juggling two men,†that hurt his feelings so he gets to kiss Kate now. I’m absolutely sure that that must have sucked for Logan, but they were still together through a rose ceremony and he never brought any of this up. Also, when you’re breaking up with someone, you don’t have to present them with an itemized list of every time they fucked up. Breaking up with them is the resolution of grievances. Logan says it didn’t seem healthy to him and Kate finally saw him and heard him. Oh, sometimes I forget you can’t see me rolling my eyes through the computer screen. I long for the days when I can just record a series of faces and that will communicate everything I need to say. Logan asks Shanae for a hug and she says no. Good for her! HELP ME!
Okay, does Shanae say that Kate sounds like a man? Yes, that is bad and I cannot and will not defend it. I just wanted you all to see me be objective.
Kate immediately walks up and takes Logan aside and starts telling him that he didn’t do anything wrong and he’s a big strong boy who did a great job. Logan says he wants to lift her up like the little lion in The Lion King. First of all, his name is Simba. Second of all, the little lion at the end of the film is Kiara, Simba’s daughter. Put some respect on their names. Then they start making out where Shanae can still see them and … oh, I’m rolling my eyes again.
Then Shanae pulls Logan aside again and in between all the men on the season narrating what an unhinged bitch Shanae is, she tells Logan that it’s disrespectful that he would put the blame on her for him going over to be with Kate and why would she want to hug him? She says he never expressed any of this and he says, “I don’t think you would have heard it.†DUDE. Shanae and Kate have a meeting of the minds. Kate basically says, “Everyone here says you’ve changed, but me, a person who hasn’t even been on the beach at the same time as you, thinks that’s bullshit.†She also gloats that it must be hard for Shanae that Logan went over to Kate. Shanae eventually walks away and Kate says that a tiny part of her relishes in annoying Shanae this way. I don’t think it’s a tiny part, Kate, and this is the worst possible look.
Logan wraps up the segment by saying he’s tired of being a punching bag. I know you can’t see it, but can you guess what hand gesture I’m doing right now?
Jacob & Jill
Oof. This one is rough. Jacob has been asking everyone on the beach how he should tell Jill that he’s not interested in her anymore. He apparently hasn’t put any thought into this very monumental conversation. Jill comes down to the beach so excited to see Jacob and he’s also excited to see her?? What am I looking at here?!??!
Jill tells him right away that she’s been miserable and just waiting to see him again. He’s very interested in how many guys were there and if anyone from his season was there. Sir, who cares? Jill finally asks him what happened with the other girls. He says he made a connection with Kate and she bursts out laughing. Oh, Jill, I wish you kept this energy. She says that she felt safe with him, and I just want to ask her, “Did he make you feel safe or did you feel safe around him? Did he do anything to actually make you feel safe? Intentionally?†She decides immediately that she’s going to leave. Jacob says, “And I honor that,†like he’s in House of Dragons or something. When she gets to the van to take her to the airport, she starts crying and says, “A Lyft driver! A Lyft driver broke my heart! He sold his couch for cash!†Ten thousand oofs!!!!
Andrew & Brittany
Anyone else less and less impressed with Andrew the more he opens his mouth? When he started talking to Brittany about the cool, fresh energy the new women brought to the beach … Brittany sits down with him and she asks him where his head is at and he says, “I’m not in any rush.†She starts saying that she wants a relationship by the end of the season and Andrew says, “Well, I did go on a date with Jessenia.†Cool. They awkwardly and mutually agree to split up and pursue their new relationships.
Serene & Brandon
Reunited
And it feels so good
Reunited
’Cause we understood
There’s one perfect fit
And sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited ’cause we’re
Reunited
Hey, hey
Victoria & Johnny
Victoria and Johnny are the last of the couples to sit down together and sort out what happened during the Split™. Johnny is all in on Victoria and Victoria thinks that Alex is really tall, so that’s cool. Victoria tells Johnny in a very slow and meandering tale that she was totally closed off from any new guys until she decided that she wasn’t because Alex’s abs are very nice. She tells Johnny that Alex checks off a lot of boxes on her list. Then Johnny attempts to have the most mid-20s relationship argument that has ever been captured on film: “What do you mean you have a checklist? I don’t have a checklist. Every day, I check the sunset and make a list of my blessings.†Victoria is trying to explain that Alex is older, wants an engagement or at the very least a serious relationship, and maybe, just maybe, that’s a good thing for her. She tries to ask Johnny what his career goals are. Which, like … girl, what are your career goals? Johnny says that he’s passionate and motivated. That wouldn’t fly during a Target job interview, sir.
Johnny says, “Why would you look for someone whose goals and values match yours instead of just finding someone hella chill to just vibe with?†Victoria says that she just needs to explore this connection with Alex, and Johnny says if that’s what she needs to do, that’s fine with him, but he won’t wait around and be a second choice. If she’s not all in on him, there’s no future for them. This is a conversation that stops and starts and takes place in two parts, because haven’t we all had this not-quite-argument where you’re not exactly fighting but no one is having fun? Johnny leaves it with the ball in Victoria’s court.
So are there any unexpected shake-ups when the rest of the guys join the beach?
Brittany and Tyler connect again and agree to start their relationship and make out. But then … um … Jessenia takes Tyler aside because she thinks he’s Alex and says she’s going to give him some advice. What is this little minx up to? Remember, this is the same woman who dumped Ivan for Chris last season. Who knows what she’s about to start up. But Victoria ends the episode being snagged away by Alex, and he teases her that he can’t show her any affection so he gets a hug.
See you next week because … JUSTIN IS BACK!!!!!