Bachelor in Paradise Recap: Love Fools

Here is a list of things I would like to see on Bachelor in Paradise: 

END OF LIST.

Here is a list of things Bachelor in Paradise’s production team thinks I want to see:

INCORRECT LIST!!!!!!!!

Did production buy Twitter for $44 billion this week? Because when it comes to giving us some shit we don’t want, it is incredibly invested. Was that a long walk to something that is barely a punch line? YUP. Am I also completely exhausted after, conservatively speaking, 500 hours of Bachelor in Paradise this season and we’re somehow only on the fourth rose ceremony? ALSO YUP.

This season could use an infusion of fun or, at the very least, some unabashed horniness. It feels like there is a dour, puritanical cloud hovering over the beach. Everyone seems to be hoping to just get through the season with the least amount of emotional damage. Even the couples that seem to have found love are spending most of their time in a state of suspended animation to avoid any fallout. I know we’re heading to the prom in the next few weeks, but dear God — can we play a group game? Did anyone bring a copy of Codenames?

Let’s get to it.

According to a nonlinear calendar, Paradise will be ending soon, so it’s time to make those hard decisions to find love. Has your relationship not been tested yet? Now is the time! Kate is still not back from her date with Hayden, and I don’t know how that’s possible. There aren’t enough lines to zip in all of Mexico. Kate has decided that even though she finds Hayden completely annoying and she wouldn’t want to spend time with him, he does own a “company� (read: he runs some Airbnbs) and he’s got six figures just lying around. Ma’am. He does not have six figures lying around; he had six figures to spend on his dog, and it’s unclear how much money he has left. If anyone tells you repeatedly that they spent a large amount of money, it’s safe to assume they no longer have that amount of money. So Kate is torn between Logan, a man whose company she generally enjoys, and Hayden (see above).

She pulls Logan aside because she thinks Logan is a little apathetic and blasé about their relationship. If I may, again: Ma’am. It’s Logan. He’s got the energy level of the Blue Monstar. Kate says she wants to get a temperature check on their relationship. Kate badgers Logan to tell her why he chose to respect her and gave his blessing for her to go on the date. He is stunned that made her upset, and he seems to think that her mind was made up about going on the date with Hayden. During this conversation, it begins to rain, and everyone involved and everyone watching takes that as a sign that the conversation is romantic instead of an omen from the gods that they should go inside. He finally tells her that he doesn’t want her to go on a date with anyone else, and he says, “You got it out of me. How do you feel?,� which is the start of every great love. She says, “I’m happy to hear that,� and Logan tells her, “That’s underwhelming.� Hahaha! They think this is romantic! Fools! All of them — fools! They kiss in the rain, and everyone cheers and claps for them. Someone shouts, “WHAT A MOMENT! PICK HER UP!,� because this is their television show. Logan ends his night by saying he feels confident with Kate and they’re headed in the right direction.

FOOL.

Kate wakes up the next morning and hits this whole situation with the “FUCK-YOU THOUGHT.� Logan is too young! He’s too broke! He can’t even afford to work out at Equinox. He’s basically a Dickensian orphan, and Kate has had ENOUGH. Will she tell him any of this? Don’t be ridiculous! She’s just going to go from woman to woman all along the resort, trying out her new catchphrase: “My sister in Christ, I am 33.� She says that Hayden has a mortgage and a plan for his life. My sister in Christ, I am 33 and I need you to relax. Hayden is on the beach in Paradise — he has no plan. Also, what does Kate know about the economy that I don’t? Should we all be marrying boring, medium-well-off guys to survive the recession?

It’s time to head into the cocktail party, and somehow the women have the roses again. I GUESS NOTHING MEANS ANYTHING ANYMORE. Four men will be leaving this week and … I genuinely forgot Alex was still around. Considering we never even see him speak a full sentence, so did production.

I’m deliberately choosing to skip when Aaron freaks Genevieve out by pretending that what he said last night “isn’t true at all� and he isn’t “falling in love with her� because … HE’S IN LOVE WITH HER. Genevieve, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of pranks. Get out now.

Kate sits down with Hayden and tries to make it work. She gives him a tennis ball to take home to Rambo. Y’all. When she threw that tennis ball and told an adult man “Ready? Fetch!,� I simply and truly lost my mind. I laughed a laugh that hadn’t been laughed from my heart in decades. It revitalized me. She’s treating men like actual dogs, and I’m back on Kate’s side.

It’s time for the main drama of the episode: The Justin-Eliza-Rodney triangle. So there’s the actual action of this triangle and then there’s the subtext, in which basically everyone involved is giving someone what they think they want and shooting themselves in the foot in the process. First up, there’s Rodney — poor gentle, sweet Rodney, who does deserve SO MUCH MORE. After Eliza told him that she wants someone to show her they’re invested in her and willing to fight for her, Rodney is showing how invested he is and how he’s willing to fight for her. On Rodney, that looks like telling Eliza how he wants to marry her and how there’s no one else for him. He keeps telling her that she’s all his and there is no one who could come down the stairs that would tempt him. For some people, that’s exactly what they want to hear, but Eliza doesn’t actually want to hear that. She doesn’t want to get married. When she said all that stuff, she didn’t really mean it. So there’s a massive mismatch there.

There’s another phenomenon happening all over the beach in which the women believe the only way they can get a man to be monogamous is to create some sort of drama and get the guy to agree to monogamy under duress. By going on the date with Justin and telling Rodney that he should have fought for her, Eliza got Rodney to give her more attention and agree to be in a relationship, but it came with the unintended side effect of having to continue to date Rodney when she didn’t want to do that. Not really. She wanted to keep Justin and Rodney as interested in her as long as possible. This would have been the week for someone to give Justin a friendship rose and let Eliza keep having fun entertaining these two dudes, but she’s forced to actually make a decision.

Then there’s all the pressure from everyone to keep Rodney in the game because they like him so much. And considering Eliza isn’t interested in the type of relationship that Rodney is looking for and clearly doesn’t know how to manage a series of complex emotional situations, it’s real easy for her to get swept up in the wave of enthusiasm for Rodney to avoid making anyone else — oh boy, she’s kissing Justin. I don’t know what the fuck this woman is doing. Time for the rose ceremony!

RAPID-FIRE ROSES!!

GENEVIEVE: Aaron
JESSENIA: Andrew
BRITTANY: Tyler
VICTORIA: Johnny
DANIELLE: Michael
SERENE: Brandon
FLORENCE: Justin
SHANAE: Joey

It’s time for Kate’s rose, and she calls up Logan and looks him in the eye and says, “Over the next 30 days, we’d like to see improvement in the following areas. If we don’t see improvement, we’ll have to evaluate your continued employment at this company.� He accepts her rose.

It’s time for Eliza to make the decision of her life. She heads up to the platter of roses and she’s already crying. She gives her rose to Rodney, and instead of going to Rodney and hugging him after the rose ceremony, she goes to walk Justin out. (Justin, Jacob, Alex, and Hayden are going home.) While Eliza is walking Justin out, everyone is congratulating Rodney, and she’s just silently and beautifully weeping in front of Justin’s SUV. For the rest of the episode, Eliza can barely speak in full sentences and just mutters something about how “this is awful … I don’t really want … I’m sorry …� Justin climbs into his van to the airport and Eliza is full-on weeping. Rodney goes to find her and wraps her in his arms and tells her he’s not letting anyone take her away. I haven’t seen The Graduate because it’s got too many white people in it, but she’s got that “what I’ve absorbed through popular media about the end of The Graduate� look in her eye.

The next morning in Paradise, Rodney is having a GREAT morning. He sits on a daybed with Brandon and Andrew, and they talk about how great it’s going to be with their wifeys on horseback. Before we can fully watch this relationship devolve, Danielle and Michael get another date card. We could definitely use a Love Island–style group game. The whole cast should be straddling one another and popping balloons between their bodies. Michael and Danielle head into town, and Wells follows them around on their date. Ugh. I guess. Michael is annoyed that their date is somehow all about Wells. The show also wants us to see Wells as some sort of relationship expert who has insight into all things Bachelor Nation when his wife isn’t someone he met because of the show. What exactly am I supposed to be learning from this guy who has been engaged for, like, a minute?

Back in Paradise, Rodney is getting a little suspicious about where Eliza is and we smash-cut to Eliza lying in bed weeping. She’s wearing a sweatshirt. Do you know how upset you have to be to put on a sweatshirt in 80-degree Mexico? Eliza! Please! Get up!

She realizes that if she made the right decision, she’d still be unsettled but she’d have some clarity and resolve. So she’s got to talk to Rodney. She puts on her most responsible-looking bodysuit and heads down to the beach. This conversation is A LOT. Eliza is trying to explain to Rodney what happened, but she keeps leaving off the end of her phrases like some sort of breakup Mad Libs.

“I have feelings for both you and Justin, but I just don’t feel like I can _____.�
“Do this anymore?�

“I don’t think I made the right choice, so I must have made _____.�
“The wrong choice?�

Rodney is upset, but he’s also trying his best to handle this whole thing maturely. At one point, he asks Eliza why she thinks Justin is a better fit for her, and he decides against receiving that information. We’ve all been there, Rodney, and you don’t need that information. Eliza also keeps saying “I’m really sorry,� which means Rodney has to tell her “It’s okay� over and over. It’s … a lot and makes the breakup about Rodney helping Eliza through this situation. But it’s over and Rodney has to scoot all the way off the biggest daybed. Can’t the man have an ounce of dignity?

Rodney goes back to the rest of the group and tells them that Eliza is choosing to leave, and I guess that means he’s leaving, too. EVERYONE. LOSES. THEIR. SHIT. Every person on the beach is full-on sobbing. The guys are covering their faces so that their tears aren’t shown to the rest of the world. The women are falling on top of one another like wailing widows. NOT RODNEY! OUR DEAR, PRECIOUS RODNEY! Genevieve is screaming “WHY RODNEY!!�

RODNEY FOR BACHELOR!!! This is a Bachelor edit, and we should just make him the goddamn Bachelor already! If he can inspire this much emotion, he should be our lead!

Oh, wait. I’d like to add one thing to my list of things production thinks I want to see: Eliza walking down the street in Baltimore, wearing a bustier, jeans, and a 26-inch sew-in like she’s in a 2000s R&B video, to go get Justin.

When he opened his front door in his nap clothes, I knew this was going to end terribly.

See you next week!!!