Hahahahahahahahahhahhahahaha. They really thought this would work and it simply did not work. Ooooohhh buddy, they done goofed. This is very embarrassing for Bachelor in Paradise. They keep saying “anything is possible,†but we are quickly realizing that only, like, three things are possible. Oh my god. They fucking whiffed this hard. How do you send home Rick and Olu? Have we all seen Rick’s eyes? Olu’s chest and beard? Bachelor in Paradise having to eliminate two heavy hitters should have started a bidding war on the beach. But instead, Jesse Palmer (hahahahaha, I’m sorry) had to go tell the guys (teeheehee, really, I’m sorry) that only three of them get to go on and Rick and Olu have to go home because — get this — none of the girls were even remotely interested in them! INCREDIBLE!! DOOFUSES!!! BANANAS IN THE NOGGIN!!!
This should be easy. Just release a bunch of hot people with Instagram followings onto a beach and let them make out with each other. But something is happening that is preventing this from being as fun as it should be, and I know the culprit: monogamy.
Who are all these puritanical ladytestants and contesticles throwing away the chance to make out with a man who played a Greek god in a Marvel film because some guy was medium nice to them for an afternoon? This is not the spirit of Paradise! This is the spirit of a freshman mixer at a religious college. Are they not horny? Do their loins not yearn to be rolled up in an oversize tortilla with a sexy single? How can they resist going bikini off-roading with a hottie with a body? Please! Let loose! Everyone should be kissing 200 percent more people. There’s still time to split and couple back up! Go! Go forth! Smooch!!!
Let’s get to it.
The episode starts with everyone creating hysteria at the idea that a woman might have an emotional reaction to something that genuinely sucks. Wouldn’t it be so craaaaazzzyyy if Lace was upset that the guy she was basically in a relationship with was totally interested in someone else? WhooOOoooa!!! Eliza and Rodney are mostly upset that their amazing romantic date has to end like this, and Rodney didn’t know that he’d have to talk to Lace tonight. My question is: Why not? The way this show works, they could have revealed at the end of the date that Lace has been listening to everything you said on headphones and wearing vibrating wristbands that activate every time you kiss. Any of these people going on dates with new partners should absolutely start planning what they’re going to say to whoever they gave their rose to before. And you might avoid some of this “drama†if you tempered your reaction to a new person coming in and didn’t spend the entire day talking about how special this connection is and how you’ve never felt something like this. You know they’re filming you, right? You didn’t have to say all that!
Rodney takes Lace aside and technically doesn’t really explain what’s going on or break up with her. He just keeps repeating, “I have to be honest where I stand,†and “I don’t want to hurt you. This is tough.†I’m starting a petition to ban the phrase “I don’t want to hurt you†from this television program. If you didn’t want to hurt Lace, you would have made different choices and said different things. A more accurate statement would be, “I really hoped you would have been cool with this.†Rodney says he didn’t want to lead her on but … how did he think this was going to go?
Michael A and Johnny narrate Lace’s exit and Lace tells us that she’s humiliated. Rodney better marry Eliza and have four children. That’s the only way this is worth it.
This sends Brandon fucking spiraling. Now that he knows that there are other guys in the Estates, he’s flipping the fuck out. He’s feeling like he went all in on Michelle and got his heart broken, and if that happens again with Serene, he’s going to hijack a production van straight into the ocean and drive until he hits Cuba. He’ll start over, a new name, a new identity. He’ll bring his skateboard. He knows if he feels like this, he’s in love with Serene.
It’s the next day in Paradise and the OG women back at the Estates are depressed and slowly realizing that Lace didn’t come back. Jesse comes in and all the women immediately start shouting, “No! No! Don’t sit down! It’s worse when he sits down!!†Jesse is there to deliver the news that production thought this would go better and wants to know if anyone is interested in having any fun? Even just a little? Shanae says that she’s still interested in Tyler and Victoria says that she would like to get a chance to get to know Alex and all the women say that Adam is a great guy and deserves to find love. They are all obviously keeping him around as an option in case their guys have dumped them. Jesse asks if anyone is interested in Rick or Olu and Serene says “no†really quickly. Okay then, damn.
It’s time to check back in with the gang at the beach and okay, we’re doing flashbacks now. Kate has decided it’s time to jump off the Jacob train and pick up with Logan. Does his hotness just not translate on camera? Logan is explaining this turn of events to Johnny and how it’s going to blow up the entire beach. Logan is involved with Shanae and Sarah at this point and Kate is involved with Jacob and he’s been involved with Jill. This simple act of two very bland human beings going on a date has the potential to explode the Love Hexagon that’s currently developing. Johnny says that this is Geometry Beach and he’s so proud of himself. I really think we should let him have this one.
Of course, a date card shows up at the exact moment Jacob is telling someone how he can see a future with Kate, because the date card has its own internal sense of irony. Before Kate says who she’s going to take on this date, she needs to pull Jacob aside. She tells him that she’s feeling a stronger connection with Logan and Jacob speaks for all of us when he says, “Really?†Kate asks Logan and he says yes, then asks Sarah to go chat. Logan takes Sarah to a daybed and asks if he can hold her hand. Sarah says “Uhhh … I guess?†You met her yesterday! I understand some decency is required, but this is too much! Let go of her hand! Sarah is pissed and doesn’t want to talk to Logan. She says it’s humiliating and insulting, but she also says karma is real. I hope she’s a witch and can see the future.
Before we get to their date, we get to see Genevieve and Shanae drinking multiple tequila shots and bonding. The moon is shining during the day, cats are lying down with dogs, angels are dancing with demons. Genevieve saying “Please air this!†is the last sound that rings out before the sky goes black and we are all raptured up to heaven.
Logan and Kate go on their date and we get the single worst camera angle in history: under the massage table headrest. This is a nightmare. I refuse to acknowledge any of this. I’ve never seen my most loved ones from this angle and I don’t ever intend to. They smooch, they’re into each other. Let’s move on.
Back at the Estates, Victoria has decided to see if there’s anything between her and Alex. Through the use of another flashback, we see that Alex gently stroked her head while she was almost falling asleep. That’s all it takes, fellas. Maybe Olu and Rick should have put some comfy socks on Genevieve’s feet while she was taking a nap. Victoria talks to Alex and he says he thought she was a little aloof or standoffish on the first night and she realizes that Alex looks like the type of guy she’s gone for before and she was a little nervous. But she realized that he was 33 and she wants to have babies NOW, so she’s open to Alex now. And of course, a date card arrives because production needs some return on investment for this Casa No More split.
They head off to their date and basically have the same conversation again. Victoria is a little conflicted because she’s got this great connection back at the beach, but … have you seen Alex’s jaw line? She laughs way too hard at one of Alex’s jokes; she’s more than interested. Alex keeps saying that he’s not going to stop pursuing her, and I need him to relax. Meanwhile, Johnny is back on the beach and he’s trying to reconcile being a little younger than Victoria, who he says is “getting older.†She’s 29. He knows that Victoria is looking for commitment and he’s trying to get open for an engagement. He’s never felt like this and Johnny and Brandon talk about how amazing falling in love is. I request these two kindly dummies talking sweetly about falling in love for over an hour, please. Johnny says he thinks about Victoria every day and he hopes that she hasn’t gone out with anyone else.
Victoria and Alex are wrapping up their date conversation and Victoria is even more conflicted now because she has been doing life with Johnny all this time. I guess if you’re a very hot 29-year-old with influencer tendencies, hanging out and making out all day is real life.
The final moments of the episode are setting up the Destruction of Shanae. She spots Brittany and Tyler making out in the pool, despite the fact that Shanae had her eye on him. But she doesn’t let that bother her because she’s got Logan waiting for her back on the beach. If we’re going to create hysteria about a woman having an emotional reaction to something that sucks, let’s do that about Shanae, because everyone present has witnessed her fury and it’s not great.
See you tomorrow for the reunification of Paradise!