Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: It’s Getting Choppy Out Here

Picking up right where we left off, Captain Sandy confronts Natasha and gives her some much-needed tough love. She’s asking all the right questions! There are two people on service … Can’t the other person clean? What are you doing when you stay up until five in the morning with guests? You’re not with them 24/7? ZERO 👏 LIES 👏 I’m rolling my eyes watching Natasha try to dig herself out of this one. Just admit you have zero time-management skills and go!

Not to play armchair psychologist, but this slap on the wrist deeply affects Natasha. She’s shook from getting told off and acts out because of it. She storms off, saying the pantry may look like shit but at least she’s good at her job … Isn’t cleaning the pantry part of your job? Service is only one aspect of the job. Hospitality is just a single piece of the pie! Going above and beyond in the guest-relations department doesn’t absolve you from performing your other duties.

As the adage goes, misery loves company. We find her and Kyle sulking together in bed, smiting Natalya for ratting them out. Need I remind them that Natalya didn’t even need to snitch? Captain Sandy mentioned her dismay with the state of things long before Natalya came into play. The proof is in the pudding. (Read: dirty pantry!)

Our negative Nancys then fall into my least favorite trope — the Martyr — and insist they’ll stay in to clean instead of going out to a fully-funded dinner. This sends Natalya (and me) over the edge. She calls bullshit. The two of them could have been cleaning the damn pantry this whole time. What do they mean the only way to catch up on this mess is by staying in? She points out that they had four hours to clean all afternoon and calls their decision selfish. She’s going out to dinner and does not feel bad about it (nor should she!).

Jason then offers to stay behind to help Kyle and Natasha clean, which makes my eyes practically roll out of my skull. No, he’s not a good friend or nice guy. He’s being a hypocrite and a total pain in my ass! And Courtney’s too! Natasha says Natalya should be thankful because, at the end of the day, she and Kyle are doing the entire interior team a favor by using their fun time to clear the pantry. I was incensed when I watched this, and I’m getting incensed all over again by merely writing this up. Let’s quickly break down why:

And even though Mzi doesn’t care, it is his birthday, and I feel bad that four people skipped out on his dinner. Mzi is too pure and perfect to be caught in the crosshairs of pantrygate.

Fortunately, their absences let us have a little tea time at dinner. Courtney grills Dave about his relationship with Natasha, and Natalya says what we’re all thinking: Tash is in the wrong, and she shouldn’t have been messing with his feelings when she had another boyfriend back home. I hope this gives Dave the validation he deserves. Side note: Dave is once again delightful in this episode, and I felt nothing but pure joy for him as he performed the butterfly stroke in the open sea during the crew’s beach day (which was also fully funded).

The rest of the cast then has the gall to finally show up (and it doesn’t seem as if they were much later to me?) after bitching and moaning about sacrificing their night out to stay home and scrub. Jason starts immediately slamming white wine and asking people if they have herpes. When no one laughs, he decides everyone is a snowflake who gets offended too easily. Natasha bats her lashes and veers into “pick me” territory. Jason says she’s one of the only people he hasn’t had to apologize to yet. I’m sure Natasha’s interpretation of this confession is that she’s special and “gets” Jason in a way no one else on board does rather than that Jason is so outrageously rude that he’s the one that needs to apologize to everyone all the time.

The rest of the night is largely anticlimactic besides Mzi flirting with an (unknown to him at the time) married woman and Storm gifting Natalya a watch he later admits to Mzi he bought for his sister. Natalya freaks out at the sight of the watch. She creates a narrative about what the watch means and what it means for their relationship. According to her, this boatmance is getting too serious too soon. Kyle, in a series of one-liners for the ages, tells her she’s an ungrateful ho and should soak this up while she can because one day she’ll wake up and realize nobody cares about her this much. Get this man on a soap opera ASAP.

Meanwhile, my nosy ass decided to research these watches. They tend to cost less than $100. That isn’t nothing, but I think — based on Natalya’s reaction — she thought this gift was a little pricier.

Getting these people together for an afternoon of fun and sun at the beach club the next day is a force. Jason is miserable the whole time, and Storm finally confronts him about it and his general attitude the next day. Storm mentions his general snappiness and mood swings and how they affect the work environment. The conversation goes south fast, ending with Jason telling Storm to replace him and bring someone else in. Will Jason finally get kicked overboard? One can only hope!

From the Galley

A list of Kyle’s best one-liners from tonight’s episode:

• “You’re honestly an ungrateful ho.”

• “I look like a fucking Quasimodo.”

• “Am I on a yacht or am I on Love Island?”

• “Natalya is a Tasmanian devil. Very cute to look at but hella annoying.”