Readers … readers, readers, readers. Where. Do. We. Even. Begin? There’s so much to discuss. Was this a good episode? Definitely, but also dark-sided. I suppose we can get Dr. Nipples & Co. out of the way before we get into the meat and potatoes.
When Dr. Nipples and her husband told the crew they needed someone to pack for them, I was appalled but not surprised. No matter how much money I have, I will be packing my own bags. I don’t want people rifling through my personal belongings! And not because I think anyone will steal from me — nothing I own holds monetary value! But because … it’s so weird? Just pack your own shit! I digress. The state of the primary suite, however, did shock me. I was floored and disgusted by how filthy and nasty the room was. Are you adults? And you’re only onboard for three days? How do you get dirt all over the carpet? Why is Dr. Nipples bragging about flinging her bronzer all over the walls? Spilling my bronzer across the wall would ruin my trip! I would probably cry out of shame before searching the galley for a Magic Eraser and attempting to clean it in secret. Also, this is televised. Aren’t you embarrassed about how you will come across to viewers? Clearly not!
At least these garbage people tipped well! Twenty thousand dollars, so approximately $2,100 or $2,500 each. Captain Glenn says both numbers, and I don’t feel like checking his math. Their last dinner is a nonevent save for Dino’s obsession with getting his paws on a Sapporo. Daisy, at this point, is over his shit. She tasks the deckies with cross-referencing the guests’ preference sheets before delivering the news to Ol’ Dino: No Japanese beer was requested, and thus, there is no Japanese beer aboard. Too bad, so sad.
Okay, so Scarlett, the new stew, is officially onboard, and we Below Deck–heads will be eating for the rest of the season. Shit is already off the rails. I want to get into her orientation and analyze how her addition is affecting the dynamic of the crew, but we first need to talk about the mess that is Gary and Ashley.
Last week, I wrote that I was hoping to get a confession from Gary regarding what happened with Ashley in episode ten. We still don’t get anything that explicit, but this is what we do get:
- Scarlett asks Ashley if she’s single, and Ashley responds, “I don’t know to answer that,†when, in reality, she is single as a Pringle. Weird.
- While in the cab on the way to dinner, Barnaby brings up Gary and Ashley’s “shag.†Gary replies that he did not shag her. Daisy then says, “Yes, you did!†and Gary denies it again.
- Meanwhile, in the other cab, Marcos asks Ashley, “You have sex with Gary?†She says, “Did I?†Scarlett seems shocked!
- Back to cab No. 1. Daisy: “He dipped it in and out.†Gary: “That’s like if you take an ice cream and you lick it — did you eat the ice cream? No!†Daisy argues that yes, the calories still count. In this specific ice-cream example, though, I side with Gary. Licking an ice cream ⧣ eating an ice cream.
- The cabs arrive at their destinations! Ashley pulls Kelsie aside and confides that she’s pretty sure Scarlett doesn’t trust her after finding out she “fucked†Gary. Kelsie tells her their cab was also discussing the hookup and Gary denied it. Ashley calls him a shithead. In her confessional, she suggests Gary is ashamed of her. This suggestion exhausts me. Perhaps Gary is ashamed of her! It’s obvious he’s tired of her. But Ashley doesn’t acknowledge he was blacked out and she wasn’t. Maybe denying the hookup is Gary’s way of coping with maybe feeling as if he was taken advantage of.
The situation only escalates at dinner. Ashley orders an espresso martini immediately upon sitting down — and pairs it with a tequila shot — which is a clear signal: Buckle the fuck up; what you’re about to watch will be painful.
Ashley repeatedly calls Gary’s name, which he either ignores or doesn’t hear as he flirts and giggles with Scarlett at the other end of the table. Ashley warns the rest that they’re all about to see a “not good†side of her and starts drunkenly proselytizing, “You can deny it happened, but it happened … I remember more than [gestures at Gary] … Trust me, you wouldn’t deny it. He’s denied it. Trust me.†Barnaby and Marcos smile and nod.
Daisy and Scarlett go for a cigarette, and Ashley’s preaching continues. Poor Kels even tries to intervene, but her attempts go unappreciated, and Ashley just digs her grave deeper by shouting, at the dinner table, “I remember the fucking penis being in my fucking vagina.†She also calls Gary a whore and repeats the penis line at full volume. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. Can anyone save this girl from herself? Daisy tries at least, telling her, “Ashley, stop talking and just drink water.†Extremely solid advice! I’m going to try to remember this in social situations.
The group takes two cabs home. Cab No. 1, consisting of Daisy, Scarlett, Gary, and Barnaby, is clearly the correct choice, while poor Kelsie, Marcos, and Colin are forced to listen to Debbie Downer herself the whole ride home. Ashley drones on and on, complaining about how Gary is making her look stupid by denying what happened. Colin, the voice of reason and hottest person aboard the Parsifal III, tells her she looks more stupid carrying on about it than the actual fact of the matter. Colin for president!
Back onboard, Gary and Colin have a heart to heart across their bunks while Ashley chugs Don Julio from the bottle, which is simply a sad and sorry sight to see. She also randomly proclaims that Gary thinks she’s a whore and then chases him around.
The next scene, though, is perhaps the most disturbing of the entire episode. Ashley shovels a pile of spaghetti into her mouth that is so big it takes her multiple attempts to choke it all down. Scarlett says she’ll never be able to look at spaghetti the same way, and Kelsie says she’s traumatized. So am I, ladies.
I know I said I would move on to Scarlett, but everything about her pales in comparison to how Ashley’s making a fool out of herself. Ashley vomits in the shower, begs Daisy (repeatedly) to be named second stew, and even causes her ally, Kelsie, to confess to Daisy that she believes Ashley is on one.
Daisy clearly enrolled in a leadership-training course because she ignores Ashley’s pleas for a promotion and relegates her and Scarlett to the same position: junior stew. That, plus the sneak peek of Scarlett and Gary’s upcoming smooch, only means this won’t end well.
From the Galley
• Thank you, Marcos, for representing those of us with eye bags and claiming that under-eye bags are “European†in style.
• Congratulations to Kelsie for having her first solid poop in three days.