It’s only week two, and I already want to throw Camille overboard. The gall this girl has! My jaw was on the floor when I saw her strip down to her sports bra and go for a casual swim in the Caribbean as the guests were arriving for their beach lunch. Girl, where is your decorum? And then she says, “What’s the use in coming down here and treating yourself like someone who’s there to serve?†I hate to break it to you, sweetie, but you are literally there to serve! Not do handstands in the ocean with lover boy Ben! I am proud of Alissa for filling Fraser in about Camille and her lazy tendencies. I don’t want her to slip through the cracks, though judging by next week’s sneak preview, she is only getting worse. I am getting ahead of myself.
In under 50 minutes, Camille tells Hayley she gives bad blowjobs (whose response of “That’s such a horrible thing to have to admit!†is nothing short of iconic), leaves a watermelon out on the bar and gives Alissa lip when confronted about it, screws up Captain Lee’s laundry, and performs a lap dance for Ben. Side note: Bravo and Below Deck in particular are turning me into a prude who gets grumpy about twerking and lap dances. We’ve seen enough! If you’re in line to ban twerking on the BCU, stay in line!
And now, Alissa is (maybe) going to go after Camille’s man as a revenge tactic. Mom, can you pick me up? I’m scared.
At least Rachel has a good episode. The beachside picnic she packs looks gorgeous, and she flawlessly pivots from surf and turf to turf and truffle fries after realizing the branzino went bad. Our poor chef can’t catch a break, but at least she has the culinary chops to continue on. Hayley’s tablescapes leave much to be desired, but she’s growing on me. She’s here to make her money and get her literal bag: a Louis Vuitton she’ll be purchasing in the airport en route home. She’s not the best at her job, but she’s good enough and funny without forcing it.
I also am a huge fan of Tony, regardless of how green he is. His energy is infectious, and I feel sorry that the guests — and some of the crew — are treating him like he’s a piece of meat! He’s more than his physique! In his own words, he tells us he likes his body because of what it can do, not because of what it looks like. That being said, he knows not to take himself too seriously and can save the day by moonlighting as a stripper for Peng & Co. He’s not here to find love. As he tells Ben, he’s not in the mood! And I love that! Maybe I’ll start watching his yoga workout videos to ground myself in the morning …
I’ve avoided talking about Ross because he gives off slightly creepy vibes. I know this group is horny and bawdy and out there, but his joke about spreading his load doesn’t sit right with me. A little too gross. This is Bravo, not Big Mouth. We also learn a little about Alissa and her family situation. She opens up about being raised by her devout Christian father after being abandoned by her mother and how her upbringing affects how she reacts to Camille’s general attitude. I have a feeling their rivalry is only going to get worse.
The wind gets crazy, 28 knots, and Captain Lee decides to anchor at sea. I am obsessed with the guests who choose to dance on deck amid the wind storm. Their energy is impeccable. Annoying? Sure, a little. But they’re fun and easygoing. They’re not bitching about late dinner or weather conditions. They’re just getting wasted, and I love that for them.
The crew’s first off-campus dinner goes smoothly enough — Camille and Ben bond over running away from their pasts to join the circus that is yachting. Alissa flirts with Ben, admits she isn’t wearing underwear, and then criticizes Camille for chasing guys. Yes, Camille is overly flirtatious with Ben, but I don’t think advertising that you’re going commando is demure, either. Rachel picks up the dinner tab, and I wonder if she can expense it to Bravo. That being said, the group just got paid a pretty penny from Peng ($25,000 total), so maybe our chef is just feeling generous.
From the Galley
The best quotes from tonight’s episode rounded up:
• Zero lies detected from Fraser: “I would rather my funeral be me rotting in a car park in Texas than ever set foot on a cruise.â€
• An oldie but goody from Captain Lee: “I’m as nervous as a whore in a front-row pew at church.â€
• Tony, describing the guests: “There is a chicken in the farm!â€
• Alissa, describing Camille: “Dirty, disgusting, trash, swampy bitch.â€
• And Hayley, describing all of us: “We’ve got a live soap opera on board at the moment, and as uncomfortable as the situation is, I’m still enjoying watching it.â€