Happy Throwback Thursday, Upper East Siders!
We were this close to getting through another episode without Zoya’s dad, Nick, but the world’s dustiest dad popped up like a Whac-A-Mole in the few final minutes. I did appreciate that this throwback episode keeps the focus on the throwbacks. We take a trip back to 2009, and Georgina Sparks is at the wheel. I’m still wondering why Georgina cares so deeply about running rampant on Gossip Girl when she’s capable of much more. She needs to think bigger! She could have been Huma! But I digress. Eleanor Waldorf joins us again as Kiki’s gracious mentor. (I’m champing at the bit for Blair to show up even though I know that won’t happen.) And of course, for the Ray Donovan heads in the room, Bunchy makes a cameo as Audrey’s dad, whom Max is desperate to please.
The headliner this week is the PEN America luncheon, so I hope you’re craving melodrama with a side of sabotage. Camille de Haan decides to play some tricks of her own and invite Zoya to the event in lieu of her daughter. Monet tries to warn Zoya that her mom is just playing her, but little Z doesn’t listen. (She never does!) Freud would have a field day with the de Haans. Camille commits a cardinal sin by ensuring her daughter catches her giving Zoya a big, all-encompassing hug, and Monet does not like seeing her mother give out her usually guarded physical affection so freely. Camille wants to hurt her daughter. She wants to teach her a lesson! And she’s not the only one. Gossip Girl by way of Georgina exposes Monet trying to sex-shame Zoya, and just like that, she’s done. (Cue the Hunger Games cannon noise.)
Julien, per usual, has a card up her sleeve because she’s once again cleaning up a mess she made. Audrey’s dad’s girlfriend, Jessica — who is also her mom’s former assistant — begs for an appearance on “Stop the Story†so she can shed light on what went down between her and Kiki and provide the parties with a timeline. I’m sorry, but who the fuck on Julien’s feed would care? Julien, for whatever reason, trusts her and invites her onto the livestream without telling Audrey. Big mistake! Big! Huge. Jessica seizes the spotlight and flips the scripts, claiming that Kiki Hope stole all of her designs. Julien stops that story immediately but not before Jessica films it all on a decoy camera and goes wide with the rumor. This is a logistical question: I always assumed that Julien’s stories were live? In this instance, after Jessica unleashes her web of lives, Julien abruptly stops the recording and buries her phone away. Jessica asks when it will go live, to which Julien responds that it never will. Are all “Stop the Story†episodes prerecorded content? I’m truly curious for clarification here.
Jessica shows up at the luncheon with Audrey’s dad in tow. They’re now engaged and after something even bigger. Right when Julien decides to debut a new look from Kiki, Jessica climbs onstage to reveal she’s wearing the same exact thing. They’re her designs, she says, naming Julien as her muse. And just like that, Kiki’s chances at a comeback are canceled. She’s devastated, Audrey is pissed, and Max, who is sick of his own sycophantic ways, dresses Audrey’s dad down with a Dakota Johnson–like power.
Obie is still on his quest to bring down the family name, and this time he’s enlisting his sister (real-life nepo baby Kathryn Gallagher) to help him. Is the only journalist he knows Nelly Yuki? I can imagine a number of reporters who’d want to get their hands on this story. I’m sure his little DSA Signal groups could help guide him in the right direction. I find it implausible that the only outlet left is Gossip Girl, but I’ll let it go. Heidi reveals that their Mutter paid someone off, and Obie finds the receipts! But, alas, Mommie Dearest escapes evasion one last time. To mourn, Obie and Julien rekindle their relationship. I told you this was a throwback episode! I am begging for this to be a one-night stand and nothing more because this couple is dry as dust. Give us Luna La and her new lover! I want to know why she keeps her heart close!
I will hand it to Georgina and say that igniting a feud between Audrey and Julien is genius. Monet and her minions want it too bad. Everyone knows she’s certifiable. But Audrey and Julien? Their relationship runs deep, and it could get super-messy superfast. Fucking with these two could pay off. Think Motherlode. Think Basic Blair and Serena going full Chernobyl. I feel like JC is inching closer and closer to proclaiming that, since everything she touches turns to shit, she might as well burn it all down instead of trying so hard to make it good. I can’t imagine how long this will last, though, before it feels as if we’re running in circles.
Another gorgeous touch from Georgina? Matching with Jordan on Hinge. I didn’t think Jordan had it in him! And based on how hard he was trying to keep it from Kate, I don’t think he realized he had it in him, either. He was willing to roofie two kids to keep their dirty little secret from getting out. Jordan, babe, you know what it never really was? That serious. Kate has experienced the chaos that is Georgina up close and would surely understand if you chalked it up to a blackmail situation. And now Kate’s head is spinning because she kissed Jordan and she liked it. But what’s happening with Gossip Girl? Is Jordan out of the picture for good? Is Mike just … gone? Will Georgia go back to her roots or get bored? That’s one secret I’ll never tell …
XOXO
• Spotted: Ralph’s coffee, Sushi Noz, a Balthazar mention, and a Hanya Yanagihara reference from Audrey … who, speaking of which, hasn’t updated her Goodreads in a while.