We have an Audrey Hope Goodreads, so of course we’d have an Aki Menzies Letterboxd, and of course his account has over 10,000 followers. Nothing says “No thoughts, just vibes†like a film bro who most recently logged Jeanne Dielman, 23 quai du Commerce, 1080 Bruxelles.
This week I got my wish: The spotlight shifted to Aki and Luna. Aki is volunteering at the Tribeca Film Festival as a lowly usher when he runs into Ingrid, a friend who is now at USC film school. Ingrid, a 19-year-old VIP events crew volunteer, pulls strings and grants Aki a chance to moderate a panel featuring The OA’s Brit Marling and Zal Batmanglij. Absolutely none of this — besides film students being the most insufferable people on the planet — is realistic, and readers, that’s why we watch.
Ingrid also grants Aki a kiss (which Zoya spots) that leaves him confused amid Audrey and Max ditching his panel to pull off a scheme instead. Maybe this will inspire Aki’s very own Marriage Story? Although I’m not sure we need more content and discourse dedicated to polyamory; Frankie Grande fulfilled that quota on his own. And instead of our usual retail references, we got a gorgeous onslaught of name drops, including Ryan Coogler, Chris Nolan, Chloe Zhao, Werner Herzog, Bruno Ganz, and Kogonada. Even the title of tonight’s episode was a cheeky wink to the film world! And right after the Golden Globes? We’re blessed.
Audrey and Max seem to realize they fucked up. They ask each other if they’re terrible partners for bailing on his little film thing. Unfortunately, the only answer is yes. They claim they thought he was moderating Q&As all week, which, sure, Jan. Attention on Aki only lasts a moment, though, before the threesome spins into dealing with the aftermath of Audrey’s mother checking herself into rehab. Quick question: Who is watching Audrey at this time? I know these kids run wild without parental supervision, but Kiki seems a little more down to earth, than, let’s say, Mrs. Bergmann. Certainly Audrey’s Ray Donovan daddy isn’t babysitting her. He’s busy grossly snapping pics of Julien and his bride-to-be, Jessica, to send to Gossip Girl! Grow up? You’re literally in your late 40s? Why are you DMing a gossip account for teenagers? I don’t remember the parents of OG Gossip Girl being this involved with the actual gossip … but my brain also doesn’t retain any information more than an hour old.
Speaking of parenting in absentia, Luna La’s mami seems to take the cake. Dolores de la Cruz doesn’t give a flying fuck about her daughter. We learn that she ditched Luna when she was 9 years old and never looked back. Meanwhile, Luna’s new boytoy, Florian, asks her if she wants to style Julia Fox for Tribeca, and it’s only when Luna is looking up the cast and crew that she discovers her mother will be stateside. She surprises her mom at the venue where Dolores instructs her daughter to ditch Julia so she can style her instead, but then later yanks that opportunity from her too. Monet channels all her mommy issues into Luna’s mother-daughter relationship in a way that feels very familiar, very Blair Waldorf, and comes up with a plan of attack so Luna can share the spotlight with her mom instead of being hidden in the shadows. This backfires, of course, and Luna and Monet find themselves banned from the afterparty. Luna seeks consolation from her abuela, who accidentally exposes a major secret: Dolores de la Cruz is not Mexican, but Spanish, and that information blasted to Gossip Girl is enough to take her down, temporarily at least. I’m sure Dolores can get her hands on Hilaria Baldwin’s contact information.
Monet realizes that maybe her mom isn’t all that bad — at least she didn’t drop her off at age 9 with a nanny in NYC — and, in a tender moment, tells her mom that she loves her and is thankful for her. Camille can’t take that affection at face value and assumes it’s a result of Monet getting humbled by Gossip Girl. She pays a late-night visit to Kate Keller, who is in bed with Jordan (I don’t want to even talk about this), and urges Kate to keep the tips rolling in. It’s her belief that the anonymous account instills respect and that if the teachers play along, they’ll receive Camille de Haan’s cooperation in any way they need.
Monet getting knocked down a peg or two certainly affected her, but let’s be real. Monet isn’t all of a sudden a dutiful daughter because Gossip Girl said her reign was over. Instead of encouraging teachers to send in blind items, Camille could simply show her daughter unconditional love and stop playing games with her. In fact, too much public persecution could transform Monet into something much worse. But Kate is high on her own supply, and Camille is a mother desperate and in denial to think about these things.
Kate has gone full Joker mode. Jordan tried — and failed — to stage an intervention regarding her relationship with Gossip Girl and ended up settling for sleeping with Kate instead. This relationship is so cringe to me; I’m choosing to ignore it until it peters out. Obie attempts to warn Gossip Girl that Julien is on a mission to unmask the person behind the posts but gets beat up in an alleyway before he can press send. Obie’s so-called alliance with Gossip Girl is also losing steam. How much longer do we have to care about him trying to take down his mom from a continent away? I also don’t believe he would have push notifications turned on for Gossip Girl, especially while he’s lying to Julien that he swore off any and all contact with the account. But then again, Obie is dumb.
In addition to Obie’s push notifs and Aki’s mod job, I clocked another unbelievable storyline of the week: Nick Lott already leaving his high-paid, high-powered post with the de Haans and having enough money to open his own firm, in addition to paying back Davis? Didn’t he start this gig five minutes ago? Forget #TheZoyaLottCut, show me the money, literally.
Spotted
• First Hunter Harris, now Jia Tolentino! Who will be the next journalist making a cameo? Jessica Pressler for a return round?
• A Devil Wears Prada reference, which will never get old: “Monet de Haan … Will you be the Andie to my Miranda Priestly, just this once?â€
• And last but not least, Rachel Zegler shade.