This week, we take a little field trip to the upstate version of Sun Valley’s Summer Camp for Billionaires. Even lowly teacher Kate gets to come as Monet’s private tutor. The kids may be alright, but the parents are certainly not. Greyson and Camille de Haan form a plan to take down Gossip Girl — or at least that’s what they want us to think. Greyson comes out with a million-dollar bounty for Gossip Girl’s identity, Camille pretends to be working against her husband, and the pair lays out a trap that Kate and her impatient ass easily slip into. I have a lot of questions about Kate’s incognito efforts. While calling Camille (using a voice scrambler, of course), she haphazardly hides behind bushes, drawing an unreal amount of attention to herself. Why wouldn’t she just make the call calmly in a secure location? The answer: Kate is chaotic. Camille lets it slip that she’s using Nick Lott as a pawn and that he carries the key to unlocking Gossip Girl from posting prison. Kate snatches the USB before Camille has a chance to take it from Nick and exposes Greyson’s union-busting efforts, which he pins on Nick, Helena Bergmann’s shoddy business practices (which were actually Heidi’s), and Aki’s infidelity, which is the final straw for Max.
The de Haans desperately need to get a life. They’re too wealthy and too connected to be playing with an anonymous gossip blog. If you want to screw over Nick Lott for seeking a new opportunity, just do it. Speaking of, I’m actually glad that Nick’s career is (seemingly) ruined. The Lott Legal Action Firm? Be serious. Nick has been with the de Haans for … six episodes? That’s, what, six weeks? They’d definitely revoke Nick’s signing bonus if he left this quickly, which he can’t afford, on top of whatever hefty noncompete they certainly have in place. Outmaneuvering your overlord requires outmaneuvering, not acting like an amateur. Obviously, Greyson has friends in high places and would find out about Nick’s escape plan, and it’s only a matter of time until he and his wife uncover Gossip Girl’s identity by combing through the guest list. I do wonder, however, if it ever crossed their mind that Gossip Girl could have easily not checked in upon arrival. If I were Gossip Girl, I would avoid leaving any traces. Monet, meanwhile, is privy to her parents’ extracurriculars and tips off Julien, whose goal of bringing down Gossip Girl might just come to fruition now that little Z is involved.
Aki attends the summit out of obligation; he hasn’t seen his dad, media mogul Roger Menzies, in months, and we, the audience, are owed at least one more Malcolm McDowell appearance. Audrey and Max accompany him as his dates because the throuple is in trouble and needs a weekend getaway. Max surprises himself by telling his partners he loves them amid the throes of passion, and Audrey and Aki freeze up. At school, Max doubles down and admits he meant what he said. Once again, Audrey and Aki freeze.
Julien tries to throw a wrench in their relationship by pulling the oldest trick in the book: flower delivery from false senders, and Audrey learns of Aki’s infidelity with Ingrid. When Aki catches a maid snapping a shot, she says Julien paid her $50 to document the moment. This price seems low even for Julien, who has no money. (I don’t actually know the status of her trust fund, but let’s assume that she’s currently cash poor). But Aki says he’ll double it if she tells his girlfriend it was all a setup. This, ladies and gentlemen, is trickle-down economics in action.
It’s unclear if Audrey and Aki plan on fessing up about Ingrid to Max while in Rhinebeck, but they stand beside him while Roger Menzies grills the trio about their relationship, and Audrey seems to be on the verge of saying she loves him, too. All it takes is one push alert to send their shaky foundation tumbling down. Max wants some respect, for crying out loud. He’s sick of being cast aside. This was certainly true in the early stages of their relationship, but as of late, I feel he’s had ample time with both Audrey and Aki. I’m sure the three will reconcile after Max goes through the five stages of self-destruction with Heidi, who is capable of much more than we thought. Throwing your mom in jail is one thing, but framing her for your own mistake? That’s cold-blooded.
If you’re looking for any sort of endorsement or mention of Jordan and Kate as a couple, you’re not going to find it here. Keep scrolling.
XOXO
• Spotted: Julien’s blue Balenciaga Cagole and bad wig.
• Aki is living up to his film bro/himbo title once again this week by sporting a Night of the Living Dead button-down, pressing play on Zatoichi, name-dropping Wenwen and Bonnie’s, and telling Audrey he loves the way her terrifying mind works.
• Someone throwing a tomato — “not even an heirloom†— at Monet is golden.
• We didn’t get as much Luna La as I would have liked, but at least the Luna we did get was up to her eyeballs in her buddy-buddy dynamic with Max.
• Props to Jordan for asking the question we were all wondering: Is Greyson de Haan’s $1 million bounty pretax?