At one point during the finale, Prue Leith says, “I don’t care who wins, I love them all.†That’s pretty much my sentiment not only this year but every season of Bake Off–slash–Baking Show. Sure, it’s great to have a favorite win, but this show isn’t about the trophy so much as it is about the camaraderie, the sense of accomplishment, and real people doing extraordinary things. It’s amazing that during this lackluster season (the less said about Mexican week the better) there are still three great favorites to root for.
First is my dear Sandro, whose cakes I love and whose bakes seem pretty lovely as well. Abdul was a dark horse but very consistent, and I know that he is a big hit with certain homosexuals who live in Yorkshire. Finally, Syabira is the queen of unexpected flavors and the odds-on favorite to win. They all make me smile and they all have something that I covet. (In the case of Abdul, it’s the multicolored shirt he wears in the finale.) I just wish these final challenges were deserving of such great talent.
The signature is actually a perfect challenge. Each baker has to make three things: vegetarian pies, finger sandwiches, and a little cake for dessert. They even have to bake their own bread. It seems like this is testing a lot of skills, making sure they are neat and organized but also offering a lot of variety. You can’t be good at just cakes or pies, you have to be good at bread as well to make finger sandwiches.
My lover Sandro decides that he’s going to make some biscuits and a fruit tart as well. Why? This is always befuddling to me. There is no such thing as extra credit here. The only thing that making more can do is detract. It’s not only taking away precious time from the required elements, but if you flub the extras, that’s only going to knock you down. When it comes time for Sandro’s judging, Paul and Prue won’t even eat the extras (though they do take the glass of Champagne he offered up), and I’m so glad. I love my lover Sandro, but no one likes a teacher’s pet.
As they work on their bakes, we get to see all of the bakers at home with their families, and it’s absolutely adorable. I’ll also extend the show credit for having the finale be not only three people of color but also three immigrants to the U.K. (like last season’s winner, Giuseppe). This is not the post-Brexit world that 51 percent of the U.K. voted for, and I’m so glad that the show is pushing the idea of a multicultural Britain that is open to people from all over the world.
The baking is the usual chaos, but only Matt is in the tent because Noel is “not feeling well.†Uh-oh, is this another case of that English COVID that disappeared Abdul and Rebs earlier in the competition? As Matt is talking to Sandro, he asks, “Do you want it?†Sandro replies, “Yeah, I want it. I want it bad.†Both Matt and I immediately made that our ringtones. Wait, are ringtones even still a thing?
Anyway, everyone seems to do equally well in the first round. No one even comments that both Syabira and Abdul are making Swiss rolls that have a fruit flavor and a herb flavor — strawberry jam and rosemary and cherry and tarragon, respectively. The judges think Abdul’s sandwiches are a little thick, but they love his feta, mint, and rocket pies. As for Sandro, everything he made is too big, once again, but Prue says that his sandwiches are “heaven,†so he’s on the right track. Syabira has a quail egg bang in the middle of her fake pork pie, and they love her crust. There are very few negatives other than that the rosemary in her cake is a little too strong.
The technical is where it really starts to get gross, and not only because they’re making summer pudding, which is the most disgusting dessert this side of tiramisu. (Go ahead, fight me.) It’s a typical English dessert where you let the juice from fruit soak into white bread and then congeal, and it’s sort of a sweet taste with the most awful texture you could imagine. What I hate about this challenge is that they throw all of these roadblocks into it. They use vegetable gelatin (because the theme of the episode is somehow saving the planet), and if they don’t boil it, then it won’t congeal. This immediately gets Sandro, who just throws his into his jelly. They also have to use rectangular pieces of bread to keep everything together. That they used the white bread they baked in the first round is a nice touch, though.
What they end up with are three horrible disasters. Sandro not only didn’t boil his gelatin but he used round bread. As he takes his pudding out of the bowl, it sort of just seeps everywhere and looks like Krang, the living brain from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Syabira fares only slightly better, with hers melting like the cake Donna Summer once left out in the rain. The only one that holds together is Abdul’s, and even his isn’t ready on the outside because he didn’t soak his bread in enough fruit juice. When they crack it open, Paul says, “It needed another 30 minutes to set.†Well, then you should have given them 30 extra minutes. Yes, I want the bakers challenged, but I don’t want them to have an impossible task. As I said, we love these people and we want to see them succeed. Please, producers, empower them to do so. Even when Abdul is the winner, Paul says to them, “Don’t clap.†Yeah, that’s not a good sign.
The showstopper is another challenge that seems a bit wonky. They all have to make a “sculpture†with the base of a cake and three other baked elements in it. Based on what has been considered baking this season, they could have had tacos, spring rolls, and s’mores on their towers and not put anything in the oven except a cake. The theme also has to be about the planet, which is dumb, but you need to give them at least some direction, right? I’ll excuse it.
But there couldn’t have been enough time because these three finalists, all of whom are very talented, can’t come up with anything that would actually wow us. Here’s an idea: Give them a whole afternoon. Give them 24 hours to make the most colossal, wonderful thing. The rushing and the door-slamming might make for dramatic television, but it makes for awful final “sculptures.â€
Sandro is once again making the globe, from the bottom of the ocean to the stars in the sky, but the judges seem skeptical that he has actually practiced it yet. I think they should be skeptical when he says he doesn’t time his bakes and does it by eye. Naturally he ends up burning his cake.
Abdul is celebrating bees, which is smart because then he can use honey as the flavor for everything. A smart guy, our Abdul. Syabira is making a cake that is an orangutan holding up a forest, so she definitely wins points for creativity. When she says she never practiced this fully, though, she doesn’t get the same skepticism from the judges that my lover Sandro does.
When they present their crafts, they’re all a little bit mangy. Sandro’s cake with marbled blue-and-white buttercream looks just like the ocean, but the “rocks†made out of sweet bread just have a bunch of icing slapped on top of them and look messier than a November 1 walk of shame in a Halloween costume. The judges do not like his rolls, they don’t like his burned cake, and they don’t like his overcooked biscuits. Well, that’s a bit of a stretch, Prue does say she likes the cake, but she acknowledges it’s overdone.
Syabira’s tower is a bit wobbly, but even more concerning is the cartoon face she’s drawn on her primate. It sort of makes it look like a teenage Groot, with these googly eyes and wide mouth. It’s the worst one of her bakes has ever looked. But they love her buttercream, they love the biscuit that makes up the orangutan’s head, and Paul says that her flavors, as always, are amazing.
Abdul’s probably looks the best, but as Paul acknowledges, it’s sort of like someone you see in a bar who looks handsome until you approach. Good from far, but far from good — as we like to say at a gay bar. His macaron bees are just fat circles, and the stack of biscuits on the top looks more than a little haphazard. Prue even calls his choux buns “a proper failure.â€
It’s not a surprise when they announce that Syabira is the winner. Not only did she have a great day, she’s had a great season. She’s won more Star Bakers than anyone, she’s given them flavor combinations they never experienced, and she’s had a smile on her face practically the whole time. She is a very deserving winner, and I just wish this season did her justice. But she seems very happy, at least based on the pictures of her with the bakers not only from her season but from other seasons as well. That just makes me ask: Great British Bake Off–slash–Baking Show All Stars, when? Hopefully after a little bit of time, when they can think up some better challenges.