This episode is going to be the most divisive thing in Britain. It will tear families apart like Brexit. It will cause a tabloid sensation like Meghan Markle. It will get Twitter abuzz like the dreaded Mexican Week. Yes, I am talking about my imaginary lover Dylan’s hat that looks like something out of a high school production of Oliver Exclamation Point. What even is that hat? Is it a Billy Bathgate or something? Is it a Great Gatsby? What do I call it? It is both a little bit chubby and incredibly attractive at the same time. Should we call it a Lizzo? Dylan has it all: a cute outfit with baggy pants, an outstanding top that is just the right level of louche, and a face card that never declines. So what is he doing? Topping it with a chapeau that says, “Oh no!†but, alternatively, “Oh yes!â€
Wait, this show is about baking? It’s not about hats? Should I talk about the challenges? Okay, fine. It’s caramel week, which means lots of splitting, curdling, and burnt sugar in the tent. The signature challenge is making a “caramel biscuit,†and many bakers opt for a Millionaire’s Shortbread. That is basically a Twix bar: shortbread cookie, caramel on top, covered in chocolate. When you are looking for a Twix in an English supermarket, head toward the cookies, not the candy bars. These people have no idea how to classify foods.
This is a pretty decent challenge even though most of what the bakers make are giant treats that look like a full dessert rather than a “biscuit†that you can dip into tea or eat one after another. Christiaan’s are the most cookie-like because he’s making stroopwafels, a Dutch treat that you can buy in most Starbucks and will definitely annoy your dentist. Thankfully, he didn’t blow it, and both Paul and Prue love that he added a layer of praline crunch to the usual treat. Way to do your nation proud.
I was especially proud of Andy’s, which looked like absolutely perfect Twix bars but a little bit chunkier, a little bit smoother, and (dare I say it) a little more gourmet. You would expect to order one of these at a fancy Brooklyn eatery that’s doing its very own take on the Twix. The judges were keen on them, but not as keen as they were on Georgie’s, which was basically the same thing, but with peanut and nougat inside. Paul went to shake her hand but then pulled back because a few of her biscuits broke when taking them out of the molds. Paul loves to tease Georgie. If he does it one more time she should be able to amputate that hand and keep it in her living room to shake whenever he wants.
Not everyone’s were great, however. Sumayah had a rare misfire, with hibiscus-flavored caramel that didn’t set — still looked great, though. Mike makes chocolate orange millionaire shortbread, which is so English it’s like putting peas in your tea. Paul doesn’t like that they’re a little too fat in the middle and tells Mike he should worry more about his bulge. Hello, HR? We’d like to open a ticket.
The technical is to make a tarte Tatin, a French pastry-based dessert that is almost always made with apples. However, the bakers have to make it with pears. A pear tarte Tatin? What are they going to think of next? A banana pudding made with grapes? Come on! Also, this might be as controversial as Dylan’s hat, but tarte Tatin is garbage. I can’t explain it, but it’s like a casserole that’s posing as a dessert. Let the French keep it.
The bakers seem to really struggle with this one, especially our dream boat Nelly. When Noel and Andy are playing baseball with a ball of extra pastry dough, Noel’s bat (which is a rolling pin) knocks Nelly’s remaining caramel all over the floor. As she makes more, he vacuums up the glass container he smashed. I don’t know if Nelly will love him as much now. Luckily, she ends up in the middle of the pack among a bunch of burned or underdone, too dark or too light tarte Tatins. Ew. Gross. No one likes it anyway.
The showstopper is to make a caramel mousse cake, but sadly, none of them had antlers. Come on, people. I thought this show was supposed to be punny. This is one of those super layered desserts that I’m not sure what it’s even supposed to be. I don’t think I’ve ever had a mousse cake, seen a mousse cake, or smelled a mousse cake, but I love cake like Noel loves a novelty sweater.
The best of the whole bunch, at least visually, is Andy’s and he made a tree out of isomalt (which is a kind of hardened caramel often used for decorations, especially on Bake Off: The Professionals) with apple-flavored cotton candy for the leaves of the trees. Inside his cake is basically a Banoffee pie, which is an English dessert that is bananas, caramel, cream, and pastry. It’s … okay. Prue absolutely hates the apple flavor, but it’s a good showing for Andy.
Sumayah makes a consciously Banoffee-flavored cake and the decoration is inspired by Dale Chihuly, the worst thing to come out of Seattle since Stephen slapped Irene on The Real World Seattle. Everything he does looks exactly the same. Her cake did look amazing, even if her Brat-colored mirror glaze looked sickly. It didn’t just look sickly; it even stuck to the knife when Paul went to cut it. Damn, I was picking Sumayah for the final three. How is she fumbling the bag this late in the game?
Nelly tells a sweet story about how her cake is inspired by her husband, who believes in her even when she doesn’t believe in herself. After a disastrous technical (thanks to Noel) and an equally bad signature, the chocolate cake and mousse combination saved her from going home. Thank God because we need the comic relief.
Christiaan used isomalt to make a giant wave on his tropical-themed cake, and I thought for sure, between that and his stroopwafels, he might be in line to be star baker, but the judges overlooked him once again. What does this guy have to do to get their attention? Does he need some (I’m sorry) Dutch courage? Actually in line for star baker is my lover Dylan, whose cake is inspired by Amalfi lemons because he apparently spends too much time on TikTok where all anyone posts about is the Amalfi coast. (It’s cool and all, but don’t Americans know there are more places in Italy?) Paul calls him the flavor king, but he gets dinged for his cake being a little too small.
Georgie gets the same criticism for her gorgeous red cake, which looks like the inside of a Chinese lacquer box with an enormous sugar rose on top. I don’t care if it’s small, if someone put that on the table at my gathering I would stand up and offer a round of applause. It’s a chocolate cake with a hazelnut praline mousse. Paul says it’s a good first draft, and he wants to try the second, perfected version of the cake, which Georgie says she’s never making again, especially in four and a half hours. Still, this first draft is enough to get her the star for Star Baker.
With Nelly able to save herself, it’s clearly down to Sumayah and Mike, who is making an espresso, caramel, and popcorn cake inspired by his favorite cocktail at his local cinema. He’s worried that the judges will be upset that his mousse has split, but they don’t seem to notice. It might be because there wasn’t enough of it. Paul says it’s like a tiramisu cake (which, in my opinion, is the only dessert worse than tarte Tatin) rather than a mousse cake. That is when Mike got his train ticket back to the farm and we will never see him again. John was gone last week, and Mike this week; it seems like they’re after the gays. Christiaan had better watch out during pastry week … that’s if he can get the judges to notice him.