Sorry for this week’s recap delay, my little villains. Much like Tanisha couldn’t bring herself to touch all those creepy-crawly critters a few episodes back, my fingers were cosmically prevented from hitting the necessary keystrokes until well after this week’s banger of a penultimate House of Villains outing aired. With that in mind, as we near next week’s grand finale, I’d like to start by taking stock of our remaining villainous competitors in order of how much they’ve impressed me. And may we never forget our fallen heroes, especially New York and Bobby, who will always be with us in spirit and eardrums because their screams and shouts ruined mine for good.
6. Anfisa: Great gowns, beautiful gowns.
5. Shake: Bad shirts, horrible shirts.
4. Fairplay: Yes, it’s technically a blast from the past to have him back on TV again, but I wish he’d have lived up to his reputation a bit more throughout this competition. Watching him cry over losing last week’s challenge was a season highlight, though, so he’ll always have that.
3. Tanisha: No, she’s not playing a strategic game, but I want to be her friend, which has to count for something! Tanisha is an icon, a legend, the moment, the past, the present, and the future. We’re lucky she said yes to doing this show, even if she’s not sure how to play the game. She’s giving us moments! I love her.
2. Omarosa: She would’ve been No. 1 if not for lying on Tanisha’s name about injuring her and dragging it out over multiple episodes — way to ruin a good thing.
1. Bananas: His win has felt like a foregone conclusion for weeks now, but not an unearned one, so he snagged this spot. There’s a reason MTV keeps bringing him back whenever he says yes: This man is a wizard. Sure, his mannerisms and general demeanor are boorish, and we all know how Bobby felt about his style (and he was right), but Johnny “Bananas†Devenanzio has outplayed, outlasted, and … well, you get the picture (Probst, don’t sue).
Once again, House of Villains throws its devotees a twist right off the bat this week, informing its remaining six that there’ll be no redemption challenge this week, meaning that the winner of the Battle Royale will simply nominate two villains (rather than the usual three) to the Hit List, moving us right ahead to the begging, pleading, scheming, and backstabbing that this show has perfected in just nine short weeks.
Our Battle Royale is called “Blow by Blow,†in which each villain is given a leaf blower and told to huff and puff their color-coded balls, scattered throughout the house and grounds, into assigned goals. As usual, for the players thinking strategically — so that would be Bananas, Fairplay, and Omarosa, if we’re just being honest about the state of things — there’s both offense and defense at play here. There’s also another twist: the “FU Hole,†hidden upstairs in the house, into which one villain can blow another competitor’s ball to “freeze up†that villain’s game, stopping them from competing in the rest of the challenge. Really, though, that twist was an opportunity for Joel McHale to say “FU†without censorship a couple of times.
Before the challenge begins, Omarosa pulls out due to her “injury,†claiming the show’s medic has chosen to sideline her. We then cut to a confessional with a man named David, identified simply as a medic, as a producer recounts Omarosa’s statement to him. “I did not,†sweet David says. “I’m not a doctor. I don’t tell them what to do. I told her nothing more than, ‘Amerosa [sic], it’s all about you.’†A round of applause, once again, for the producers and editors and a rousing round of jeers for the wimp who cried Tanisha.
Shake takes an early lead in this silly endeavor, but unbeknownst to everyone, Anfisa is plotting to take her enemy out with the “FU Hole†upstairs. (How many times can I say “FU Hole†in this recap? Only time will tell.) Shake’s freeze opens the path for Fairplay and Bananas to take a neck-and-neck race to the lead, but Tanisha — icon that she is — steps in to play defense for her ally, attempting to block Fairplay’s balls from entering any goals. And it succeeds! Bananas takes home Supervillain of the Week (please refer to my above power rankings and pat yourself on the back if you agree), and he’s gunning for Fairplay. Or, in his own words, “I’m about to give this old poodle a run for his biscuits.â€
We enter the “strategy†portion of the episode, with each villain targeting another for their own, mostly nonstrategic reasons. Tanisha wants Omarosa gone, but Bananas quickly convinces his ally that the once-great titan of reality TV is a wilting flower who has shown herself to be weak competition with her head firmly out of the game. Why vote out a lame duck when you can take out someone with some fight left in them, like Fairplay? He imparts this move to a flabbergasted Tanisha, who, God and all the rest of us love her, exclusively thinks with her heart.
Later that night, Bananas nominates Omarosa for one of his two Hit List spots; she quickly spars with him, then Tanisha, storms out, and claims, “Using my injury … is legal now,†to which I say, “What injury?†His other pick begins with a camp speech about rats, who “hide in the shadows,†spreading “rumors and innuendo like fecal matter.†He is, of course, referencing Jonny Fairplay, who joins his day-one ally Omarosa on the Hit List, much to his shock, awe, crocodile tears, and disappointment.
“I made one fucking wrong move in 20 years,†shouts Fairplay, which, sure, but my big takeaway here is Joel McHale’s shit-eating grin. Seriously: Go back and watch his head as it pivots from Bananas to Fairplay and back again like he’s watching a U.S. Open match. No man needs a podcast, ever, but let’s make an exception for Joel, who should get a six-episode series about the behind-the-scenes of House of Villains as a former host of The Soup. His insight would cure me of all my woes.
“That’s all right, I’m still more famous than him,†Fairplay adds in confessional after he, too, storms out of the lair. “Thirty million people never watched him do fucking anything.â€
Do I have to mention the farting scene? Fine, here’s an obligatory paragraph about the farting scene where Bananas, Fairplay, and Shake engage in some good old-fashioned farting (more like Fartplay, am I right?). E! … I thought I could trust you. I’m not adding any further information. Go look this gas of a good time up if that’s your kink.
Post-flatulence, it’s a new day in the mansion, and Fartplay, sorry, Fairplay is in full-on fight mode. He starts the morning by explaining to Shake in plain and simple terms why he’s worth keeping around, based on the argument that Bananas will inevitably go all out to win the final Supervillain of the Week. His proposition is that losing Omarosa this week means that Shake would have an ally in Fairplay next week when he really needs him. This is sound logic, and this is the Fairplay I’ve wanted to see finally showing up to the party at long last.
Similarly, Omarosa makes a move with Shake, offering her word that she and her closest ally, Anfisa, will show up for him when he needs it — if Shake votes to save her this week. He shakes their hands and agrees but confesses later that he doesn’t know if he can trust their word, which is the biggest “uh, duh†moment of the season.
I must confess that the Banishment Ceremony has become my most eagerly anticipated piece of weekly pop culture to consume. It’s high and low stakes all at once, filled with canned speeches, off-the-cuff fights and reads, Joel McHale’s astonishment and delight, and heinous villains being hurled backward through a wall. What more could you ask for?
This week’s Banishment Ceremony is no letdown, with Omarosa coughing throughout and then complaining about the harness placement on her chest. Shake delivers an impassioned speech about crybabies (Fairplay) and quitters (Omarosa) that seems to resonate with the three voters. We see Anfisa refusing to turn on Omarosa, casting her vote for Fairplay; Tanisha refuses to listen to logic, gameplay, or Bananas and votes for Omarosa to leave, putting Shake in the power position of tiebreaker.
And he votes for Omarosa, who throws up a heart symbol with her hands upon learning her fate, to which Tanisha deliciously counters, “Go to hell, Omarosa!â€
“I’ll meet your family there,†Omarosa spits back.
“Yup, the devil awaits,†says Tanisha right back to her, before adding, “You’re fired … again.â€
And that’s it for Omarosa, except it isn’t, because she calls the medic back in to tell production she can’t be hurled into the wall due to the “chest compressions.†But the medic refuses, saying out loud in front of everyone that she needs to tell him what she wants to do. All the while, Joel grins like a pig in shit, taking a selfie with the medic and Omarosa in the background.
The producers are then pulled into the rodeo to try to wrangle the situation, proving to everyone that, yup, it was this woman’s time to go! She leaves the way she came in, just with a far worse reputation, if that’s even possible. We won’t miss you, flop.
Next week, we crown America’s Greatest Supervillain! It’ll probably be Bananas! See you then!
Villains’ Attic
• When Bananas has Anfisa captive on the giant swan boat in the pool (what a sentence starter) and then whips out the guitar, Anfisa’s panicked reaction — “Get me out of here!†— is, I think, the voice of a nation.
• Where did Omarosa lose the plot? I wonder if she’s watching the show back and realizing she could’ve potentially had a winner’s edit had she not, I don’t know, salted the earth, set fire to the salt, and then doused the fire with lighter fluid at any given opportunity. Don’t get me wrong: Even when she’s flailing and flopping, she’s stupendous TV … but wow, has she wildly miscalculated.
• Joel McHale needs an Emmy nomination for Best Host. Who else is strapping themselves into Omarosa’s chair and allowing themselves to be ejected into the wall? Commitment, baby!