Wait, we’re three episodes into this series and we’re just evicting the first villain now? In the three weeks since the show premiered, the GOP has ejected about 14 nominees for Speaker of the House and we can’t even get one Jax Taylor out of this damn house?
Oh, yeah, that’s who goes, by the way. Joel McHale straps him and Corinne into the electric chairs in the secret underground lair, tells the assembled cast that the votes were anonymous, and Jax flies ass over teakettle through the wall. It’s just like the ending of Remote Control, and I pray that every single person reading this is far too young to get that reference. (Also, bring back Remote Control.)
The eviction makes perfect sense, really. Jax was a physical threat (never an intellectual one) and he snored. The snoring alone means it was time to go. Now, who is going to be the No. 1 guy in the group? It’s not going to be Shake, because everyone hates how messy he is almost as much as everyone hates how much Jax snores. Is that what this whole show is going to be about, just chucking people who are impossible to live with?
Speaking of which, Corinne and New York are chilling in their room when New York says she’s not feeling well and isn’t going to hang out with the rest of the cast. Corinne goes to Johnny Bananas’s room, where he is strumming his guitar, which is not a euphemism for self-love in this case because there is a real and actual guitar. I have never watched The Challenge, but I know one thing is for sure, Johnny Bananas loves to play a guitar and exactly zero people enjoy listening.
Anyway, while he’s strumming with Corinne, New York hears him say that she is loud and annoying. Thankfully, the editors show us this on the Delusion Cam, because she clearly made this whole thing up. Later in the episode, she comes downstairs just to freak out on Johnny and then go back to lie in her bed. Okay, is New York faking being this insane for the camera or is this the real deal? Is this unhinged or is it strategy?
She barely has time to think about it because Joel arrives with a small person wearing a robe and a mask. After a few yes-or-no questions, they determine it is a Real Housewife. When she disrobes, it is Danielle Staub, the one Real Housewife who has a sex tape, so she knows a thing or two about disrobing. Danielle would have been amazing on this show; why didn’t they keep her on full-time? Considering her roaming around the house at 3 a.m. at the end of the challenge, it seems like she wanted a whole lot more than just this cameo.
Danielle and Joel are hosting a party where each of the villains is wearing an elaborate mask and a voice changer so that they all sound like Cher talking about how she believes in life after love (after love after love after love). There are also 20 random extras in masks at the gathering. The cast then has to say who was wearing which mask and whoever gets the most right is the supervillain of the week.
This challenge is a little boring, honestly, because we don’t really see any of them figuring anything out, it’s just a melee of capes and masks and weird rasping noises. Corinne does say that she will be great at this game because she can find her friends based just on head shape. She says her gift is judging head shapes, but we all know that Corinne is a little too dense in her head shape to know what phrenology is.
Some of the contestants aren’t even trying. Both Johnny Fairplay and Omarosa — who seem to be the most dangerous in the house, game-wise — have decided that winning a challenge (or another challenge in Omarosa’s case) would make them too much of a target. New York can’t figure out the people by their looks or by their conversation because she hasn’t learned a single thing about any of the people in the house yet. Yeah, Tiffy, maybe you should leave your room for a change and get to know some of these people? Just a thought. You know, for your game.
Johnny Bananas ultimately wins, but we have no idea how many he got right, how well anyone else did, or whether Corinne completed her correspondence course in the Victorian art of head-shape navigation.
The next morning, Johnny has to decide who to take on his luxury reward. He asks the producers if he can take his closest friend in the house, his guitar, but they tell him no, he has to pick two other human beings. He chooses Tanisha, because he trusts her, and Omarosa, because he doesn’t. His logic is airtight: He knows if he leaves her behind she’ll rat him out to everyone else in the house like she’s an ex-member of the Trump White House. Oh, wait.
I don’t even remember what this reward was supposed to be, because it’s mostly them just sitting in a field not eating food and talking about the game. Couldn’t they have just sent them to a spa? Johnny does introduce Tanisha to the idea of a blindside. He says that to do it you need someone who thinks they’re going up but really isn’t, and you need someone who has no idea they will be nominated who ends up on the block. As soon as he explains it, I know that Bobby, who Johnny has been flirting with for days, is about to get his ass called out in a basement. (Based on the dirty pictures we’ve seen of Bobby with his booty in the air, I think his ass has been called out in a basement or two before.)
I have watched countless hours of Survivor and Big Brother and know a thing or two about a blindside. I love a blindside. What I don’t understand is what purpose it serves here. Johnny just gets to nominate whomever he wants; why the need for secrecy? It seems like drama for drama’s sake, which I guess is what we get from most of our villains.
Back at the house, Shake is showing everyone how he cleaned his own pee-pee and poo-poo out of the potty like a big boy. While this is going down, Johnny finds a note on his pillow that reads “How stupid do you think the house is, Bananas. The house is about to turn on you.†The handwriting is clearly feminine, and the house immediately decides, based on almost nothing, that Corinne is the one who wrote the note. She starts stomping her feet in a temper tantrum, crying and saying that she didn’t write it. Okay, sure. Then just get a pen and some paper and write out the same sentence and see if they look alike. Problem solved. How did no one think of this? Why did no one just do a simple handwriting analysis? How dumb are these villains?
As this is all kicking off, Joel brings everyone down into the secret layer, where Johnny does exactly what he said he was going to do when he was at lunch with Tanisha and Omarosa. He nominates New York for obvious reasons. “You sabertooth, hammerhead bastard,†New York shouts after flipping him the bird. “I don’t care what you say because I’m not leaving.†If this is how she is going to react every week, well, she can just stay in her bed, because that was awesome. Also, how can she be so sure she’s not leaving? It’s not like it’s entirely in her hands.
He also nominates Anfisa because she tried to get in on his workout but only after he was supervillain of the week. (Speaking of Johnny’s workout, is there any way to get footage of his man-chest bouncing while he was skipping rope? Just email it to [email protected]. Thanks.) Yeah, she was trying too hard. After she’s nominated, Joel says, “Anfisa, is there anything you’d like to mumble in reply that we can barely hear?†Solid work, Joel. You should be a comedian.
Then it’s time for Johnny’s blindside. He starts saying the person he’s going to nominate maybe didn’t write the note but knows who did, a statement he said earlier to Corinne. She immediately breaks out into Bachelor-level tears, shouting about how she didn’t write the note. But just as we all think he’s going to say that Corinne is going up, he nominates Bobby instead. Yes, it’s a blindside. Yes, everyone is shocked. But why? I wouldn’t do Bobby that dirty because he will give you a big hug and rub that dirt all over you before bludgeoning you to death with a lip implant.
But wait. If this is just nominations, it means next week we have the competition where one of the three can save themselves, and then it’s probably another week before we send the second villain home. At this rate we’re going to be three months into a full government shutdown before the show reveals the final four.