Natasha Rothwell is still getting used to being seen, which sounds backward for the actress who played Issa’s scene-stealing friend Kelli for five years on Insecure. With her undeniable screen presence, Rothwell’s ascent in the Black Zeitgeist, including her breakthrough role in The White Lotus (she’s returning for season three), seemed predestined. But as many Black women who excel in white-dominated fields know intimately, it’s hard to embrace the idea that we’re allowed to take up space. For Rothwell, taking up space — figuratively and literally — is something she’s still learning to do, and that process helped produce the gem that is How to Die Alone. Rothwell, who created and stars in the Hulu series, understood the need for a coming-of-age story about celebrating oneself at all parts of the journey, no matter how turbulent the road to self-realization is.
Although the show is set in an airport and revolves around the main character’s fear of flying, watching Rothwell’s Melissa take off for the first time isn’t the most significant moment of the season finale. Instead, it’s when Melissa baptizes herself in Lake Michigan, slowly stripping off her clothes and running into the freezing water to mark her own acceptance of herself: strengths, flaws, and everything in between. “I felt the most free that I have ever felt in my entire life,†Rothwell says. “So much so that I was supposed to run in only once, but as I was coming out of the water and they were waiting for me to call ‘cut,’ I ran in for a second time.â€
Since, based on your social media, you’re clearly a frequent flier, what made JFK an attractive setting for the show? And what does Melissa’s fear of flying represent to you?
My dad was in the Air Force, so flying was something I did from the time I was very little. The airport means something different to me as an adult because it’s this special purgatory where you can pause life and exist where there are other people who are about to do something. When you’re about to do something, you move through the world with potential and hope. For a character like Mel, who has this arrested development, it was such a good catalyst to motivate and agitate the character at the same time. The fear of flying is an aspect of the character’s DNA — it’s the fear of taking off and allowing yourself to be seen and live fully.
Watching Mel jump into the lake was one of the most powerful moments of the season. Whenever I see water used in such a profoundly spiritual way, I think of the Toni Morrison quote “All water has a perfect memory and is forever trying to get back to where it was.†What do you feel Melissa was remembering about herself? And what was she surrendering to the universe?
I wasn’t acting. I have never been in a two-piece-underwear situation in public, let alone on national television. I had parts of my body that were seeing the light of day that had never seen the light of day. It was 36 degrees in the water, a true cold plunge, and they wanted the stuntwoman to do it. I said absolutely not. They had medics standing by, and I told them, “When you call ‘action,’ do not cut. I will call ‘cut.’†I didn’t want anyone to interrupt that experience for me.
I remember running in and feeling a shock of water … there were tears coming out of my eyes. It just felt so good. I was in my body; I didn’t give a fuck. I had rolls falling out. It felt like a baptism. My best friend, who’s also a writer on the show — I met her when she wrote on Insecure — was sobbing, and the crew was sobbing. I called “cut†and told my best friend, “I don’t feel like the same person who came to Toronto to shoot this. I feel like a different person.â€
That moment of going in the water felt like release and acceptance for the character. Coming out of the water felt like a rebirth where she realized there was a “me†before this moment and there was going to be a “me†after. And I felt like that in my real life. When we were in the edits for that scene, old me — and I mean recently old me — would have been like, “Could you airbrush those stretch marks off? Could you tighten up the back?†I wanted that moment to be that moment and have my full body as part of the story. And not as a teaching moment. What if someone just loved themself enough to run into the lake?
That reminds me of Melissa finally taking flight in the finale. There is a beautiful moment that normalizes having accessible seat belts for all passengers, following a string of scenes throughout the season that normalize discussions about body size. Why was it important for you to add this to her flying experience?Â
Flying while fat is not really talked about. Before I realized I was allowed to take up space, I spent the better part of my commuting and travel life folded in on myself so much that I remember talking to doctors about back pain. Even in the plane seat, trying to hold myself in so I didn’t touch someone else — I was always apologizing for existing. I remember working through that muscle memory of when I get on a train or a plane to not hold myself in and just take up the space I need to exist … and that includes not getting a seat-belt indentation in my stomach! I can ask for an extension, and that isn’t a negative or shameful thing. I wanted it to feel as casual as it was and not make a meal of it because, existing as a fat Black woman, everything we do is not a teachable moment.
Thinking of you folding yourself into your seat makes me recall reading about you raising your hand before you spoke while working at Saturday Night Live. What was it like going from working in that environment to having your own writers’ room?Â
When I got to the Insecure room, raising my hand to speak was a trauma response to being in an environment where I didn’t feel like I was at the table, even though I was at the table. It was such an “aha†moment of being like, Girl, just talk! You don’t have to raise your hand.
In creating the How to Die Alone writers’ room, it was so important for it to feel like a place you’re looking forward to. I wanted the good good snacks. Let’s make sure the coffee is hot and the pencils are sharp. We start the day by checking in with each other. I wanted to see each of the people sitting around the table as real people with real lives. That way, they could show up and be their whole selves and not feel like they had to hide the fact that they got a flat tire on the way in or they’re fighting with their partner or their dog refused to shit this morning. You bring all of yourself into the room, and you put all of yourself on the page. I want to create the dream room that I want to be in, and I want people to feel safe.
Why did you choose identity theft as Melissa’s vice?
She only steals the identity once and uses it as a misguided way to choose herself and put herself first. When I was very early in my therapy journey, I was loud and wrong a lot. I would take some therapy-isms and stand behind them, not even understanding the principle. I really wanted Melissa, in the name of doing what she should be doing, to do something so wrong. It was cathartic to see that there is a consequence of that. Sometimes, we talk about always putting ourselves first, but if you’re doing it the wrong way, there are negative consequences. I wanted to show that in our efforts to grow and be better, you’re going to fuck up and make mistakes. But it doesn’t mean the spirit of it is wrong.
From previous interviews, I know you didn’t want to make Melissa’s story one of “before and after.†Do you think ending with Melissa facing legal consequences was essential for her story?
There are so many shows about change and transition, and I was fed this false sense of the journey where I saw how quickly people identified their problem and fixed their shit and how the first solution was the solution. Living my own healing journey and watching that, it’s like, This is not adding up. I haven’t seen the messiness of the journey exalted and honored. I tend not to acknowledge and celebrate the process because I want to get to the goal. I didn’t want to acknowledge that my show got green-lit; I’m going to wait until it gets to air. This was a recent conversation with my therapist. She asked if I was finally celebrating. I said “yeah,†but she said, “You could have been celebrating this whole process. The process is just as worthy.†It’s exciting to have a show on the air where she’s going to fuck up tons but that doesn’t mean we’re not rooting for her.
In what ways does Melissa’s transformation mirror yours?
When I started working on this project, I was squarely in my 30s, and as you get older, your proximity to death becomes closer. You start seeing how short life is. There were all these little moments leading up to putting pen to paper for the script when I was reckoning with death and wrestling with the idea of time. I had an allergic reaction when I moved to L.A. and drove myself to urgent care, then threw out all of my processed food and joined a farming co-op. That shit lasted a week. There are all these misguided reactions to how temporary life is, so I wanted to give Mel that jump-start and see her reaction. When I was confronted with those moments, I would try to do something quick to ease that anxiety and tension as opposed to understanding that it’s just a life well lived.
Another cliché the show avoids is the idea that Melissa would be worthy of love only after “improving†herself — there is always someone pining after her. How did it feel to live out that fun rom-com element? And I see you took Issa’s advice to cast fine actors.
How often do you get to write a character and put in all your dream qualities? You put in all the things you are looking for in a man and a character and then you get someone to play him who’s also symmetrical and fine as fuck. This is the best job in the world. I wanted her to have fine-ass men pining after her and be heartbroken over her. I didn’t want it to feel like what she needs is some good dick and a man will solve her problems. That was so trope-y and overdone. She has all these opportunities, and the reason she can’t access them is because she hasn’t even considered that she needs to put herself on the list of things to be loved and pined after.
On the subject of Issa, to this day, I hear people say, “Check out Kelli from Insecure’s new show.†Did you feel pressure from fans to make Melissa an extension of Kelli? Is it exciting for people to get to know you outside that role?
I love the Kelli fandom. It’s one of the things that delight me most because how often in our lives, especially in this career, do you get to have a character that’s beloved? I’m so appreciative. But I never want to create as a reaction to something, so I didn’t want to write this as a response to Kelli. I wanted to write this because this story has been existing in me and has been wanting to come out for years. I’ve seen comments saying, “I’m crying the first episode. I thought I would be laughing and rolling on the floor!†That’s their journey, not mine. You can watch it and have your Kelli expectations — and the show is inherently funny because that’s what this process of feeling is — but I didn’t want to write a show in reaction to other people’s expectations. I wanted to write a character I would fight someone to play.
The show was in development for six years, paralleling the time you spent working on Insecure and starring in The White Lotus. How did these career milestones impact bringing How to Die Alone to life?Â
My tours of duty on Insecure and The White Lotus were invaluable to the show getting made. We see so many BIPOC shows being canceled and taken off the air and DEI initiatives and their executives being canned left and right. It takes a lot for BIPOC shows to get made; we see a lot of mediocre stories making the air when their leads are what we’re used to seeing. Proving myself in the arenas of Insecure and The White Lotus alerted the industry that I could be trusted to helm a show. I do think it’s unfortunate that that helped turn the key because, for so many other people, the door is already open. But I don’t begrudge it at all because they were wonderful opportunities that were the wind on my back to get the show made.
With season one leaving Melissa’s life in such a precarious spot, are we planning for season two?Â
I haven’t heard anything about a season-two pickup. When I partnered with co-showrunner Vera Santamaria, we broke out four seasons of the story because I didn’t want to be the kind of show that was surprised by a season two, season three, or season four. I wanted to know where we were taking this girl. As soon as we get the green light, we’re ready for season two.