A friend of mine recently went on an ayahuasca retreat, and he told me the key to a good experience with hallucinogens is not to fight their effects: “If you see a demon, jump in its mouth.†I don’t know if maybe the cast of Selling Sunset were all given this same advice before filming the season-eight premiere episode, but something definitely feels different, for the better. The participants of this project have historically fought its delirium, never entirely on the same page about how messy to be, insisting on professionalism while doing shots in a bra top, trapping themselves in a bad trip. This chaos made the show feel dangerous and experimental at times, at least until last season, which ended with a real sense that no one really wanted to be doing this anymore. But the premiere left me feeling like everyone finally gets it: You can’t avoid conflict on a reality-TV show because conflict is the show. You have to jump in the demon’s mouth.
The episode opens with Chrishell entering a $38 million real-estate asset, more colloquially known as a house. She bravely introduces herself to the three-man team that developed this place: Branden, Jason (not Oppenheim), and Preston, whom I shall henceforth refer to collectively as BRAJATON. Despite the fact that there is a dead peacock standing in the middle of the living room, it’s a perfectly fun house with a sword that opens the door to a room full of disco balls. It did get less fun when I Googled it and realized BRAJATON bought a house that cost $2.9 million in 2016 and replaced it with a huge facility that’s basically designed to be rented out for the sort of overly expensive bachelor parties that destroy lives. Thanks a lot, BRAJATON.
Anyway, Chrishell is here because Jason (the Oppenheim one, not the BRAJATON one) is also there insisting to BRAJATON that Chrishell can sell this house. For her part, Chrishell needs to talk to Jason about trying to get Bre to return to the brokerage. This is a typically masterful move from Chrishell, who, right out of the gate, has found a way into a storyline that’s not about her but that does give her a chance to be on camera and remind us all how pretty we could be if only we’d had entirely different lives and bodies. Huzzah!
Next, we head to Mary and Romain’s house, where we get to witness the traditional Los Angeles custom of having people come to your house to do services. Oh, how Angelinos love getting their services! This time, Mary hired the services of a spray tan person to put a tent in her home and spray them all: Mary! Nicole! Amanza! Even Romain! Once the services have been rendered and all have been sprayed, Mary sits them down and reveals a feud she’s somehow already started with Chelsea. Apparently, Emma, Mary, and Bre got together for a “content day†where they answered questions from followers on Instagram Live. When asked who the biggest pot-stirrer in the office was, Mary said Chelsea, which Emma later told Chelsea about. While this is hardly an insult, Chelsea clearly saw her chance and jumped at it, sending Mary an enraged text that so shocked the Bonnet household even Romain felt compelled to intervene. Uncharacteristically, Mary seems game for this fight. Even as she theorizes that “something else is going on†with Chelsea to make her overreact, she also insists she is “not going to be talked to like that.†Then, we go to a scene at the office where she’s perfectly polite to Chelsea in person because who is she kidding.
And what an office it is! This is the shiny new Oppenheim Group HQ the boys were spending all their time and money building last season. It has more bathrooms, it’s got TVs in big art frames, and there’s a digital rendering of fire next to an ostensibly real pile of chopped wood. It’s here that we meet Alanna, the newest agent to join the team, who, at the tender age of 32, has already been in real estate for three years. That’s literally all there is to know about her right now, and she stands absolutely no chance of capturing any of my attention when Chelsea is here with a truly incredible new haircut and like 80 percent of her boobs out.
In a twist that intrigues the whole office, Jason and Brett are seen pitching a new client on the services of the Oppenheim Group. It’s so quaint to see these men do work! What a novel experience! Jeff, the client in question, has a $29,900,000 house in Manhattan Beach and absolutely terrible hair. The Oppenheim Group can help with one of these problems, but first, he must select an agent. So begins a fierce battle between Mary, Chelsea, and … Alanna? Okay. Yeah, sure. Get Alanna in there.
Each of the three meets Jeff — whose hair is still like that! — and his gorgeous lovely wife Jamie to pitch their services. Chelsea’s argument is she lives in Manhattan Beach now, Mary’s argument is she raised a child there, and Alanna’s argument is that the sun has set on the American Empire, and only a consistent stream of foreign investment could possibly sustain the sort of market where one house costs $29 million. She’s not wrong, but it doesn’t win her the prize. Instead it goes to Mary and Chelsea in a tie that comes about after Chelsea overhears the couple talking about how much they like Mary, so she sneaks back in to make something up about a buyer who suddenly wants to see the house immediately. Chelsea is truly the last person on Earth I would ever underestimate.
Unlisted Observations
• Jason invites Bre to a home with a live moss wall for the billionaire who is also a total freak for moss. There, in front of the moss, Bre asks Jason for a raise, which he refuses, before acknowledging that it stinks she and Chelsea don’t get along. That’s it. That’s the scene.
• A dramatic dog funeral is coming and Alanna has an old west town. Let’s … fucking go? Let’s go? I guess?
• “I didn’t even know you owned a Speedo†— Mary to Romain, who is FRENCH. Those are the people they make Speedos for!
• Chrishell remembering detailed lore from The Ring feels important, like a window into her psyche I can’t yet fully understand.