Napoleon’s decision to invade Russia in 1812 is considered the beginning of his end. Spurred on by a series of exciting military victories that gave him a false sense of invincibility, he abandoned the fight against Britain to invade a former ally when relations began to sour. Though the French greatly outnumbered the Russians with a fighting force of over half a million, the Russian army refused to face him, luring his forces deeper and deeper into their territory; letting famine, heat, disease, poor morale, and, finally, an early winter supplement the efforts of their outnumbered defense. The folly of this ill-fated campaign is a lot like Chelsea’s decision to pick a fight with Mary over being called a pot stirrer on Instagram Live. It could’ve made sense had she had nothing else going on or had she considered her opponent more before engaging. Unfortunately, fighting with Mary is not only a total snooze, her passive-aggressive tactics are luring Chelsea’s attention away from the real threat: Bre.
Since their blowup in the season-seven finale, Bre admits during her ice bath with Chrishell that Chelsea has attempted to be nice to her in social situations. This doesn’t seem to impress Bre much, but she allows us the space to hope for an uneasy peace. “I’m not saying I won’t give her a chance,†Bre tells Chrishell before agreeing to return to the office with a traditional bumping of breasts. But, she reveals to the camera, they will not be “kiki-ing†anytime soon. “You are cold-blooded!†Chrishell exclaims when she flees the cold plunge where Bre luxuriates — this is the kind of foreshadowing that elevates this show into the Frankenstein genre of “docusoap.â€
For her part, Chelsea is fully focused on her feud with Mary, and Bre’s possible vendetta is the furthest thing from her mind. She’s so consumed with this ill-fated struggle against an enemy that will not face her in open combat that she even leaves her Birkin bag teetering precariously on the balcony railing of another $30 million Manhattan Beach home (for being the highest possible price in this area, there certainly are a lot of houses there that cost exactly that!).
That’s right, this show also has houses! And people sell them! Allegedly! Alanna, sheriff of Pioneertown, is particularly keen to start doing this eventually. But first, she has to help Brett’s clients finish developing a property. Developing is when you buy a house that costs $2.8 million, tear it down, incur millions in unexpected costs, and then try to flip the bitch for $8 million. But before these clients can cash in on all this work they are not doing themselves, Alanna needs to complete the Find Trees side quest, which is exactly what it sounds like: She needs to find a bunch of huge trees to surround the house with, because it is right by several roads and has basically no yard. But that’s what you settle for when all you can afford is a pathetic $8 million abode!
SFinally, it’s time for Mary and Chelsea’s open at their big, juicy $29.9 million Manhattan Beach listing, which promises to be the showdown we’ve been waiting two whole episodes to see. From the beginning, Mary is looking for an excuse to start shit: She frets that Chelsea is late, she complains she had to do everything on her own (read: watch the staff set up a charcuterie board) until, finally, she settles on being mad that Chelsea showed up bottomless.
While it’s entirely accurate to describe Chelsea’s outfit as being without pants — technically, she is wearing short shorts under a long jacket — it is inaccurate to say “her ass is out.†What little butt cheek we can see when we are zoomed in is hardly offensive, especially if, like me, you believe the rules of fashion depend partly on how close you are to the beach (they’re walking distance.) But alas, Mary has found an opportunity to get revenge for Chelsea being mad at her: insisting their two male bosses scold Chelsea for her clothes in the middle of an event. This probably embarrasses Chelsea, but it also makes Mary look like such a loser. This is a workplace where Chrishell’s nipple pops out and Nicole can make jokes about Jason having seen a lot of them naked (from doing SEX). Whining to the authorities about someone not wearing pants in this context is so obnoxiously petty. To her credit, Chelsea takes the high road, leaving the party and choosing not to bring up her issues with Mary at the next staff meeting, even when Jason and Brett specifically invite an airing of grievances. Like Napoleon outside Moscow, she’s convinced herself this can be won.
In all the excitement about butts and nipples, almost no one is thinking about poor Amanza’s birthday party. Everyone keeps forgetting to RSVP, well, everyone except Chrishell, who makes it clear she will not be attending if Amanza’s stylist is there because he said some very nasty things about her online. Even though this stylist has been helping Amanza for free, she dumps him from the guest list to ensure Chrishell’s presence, in a move that feels more like a narrative choice.
It’s a necessary plot point, too, because Chrishell is the one at the party who assures Mary that now — while they’re all as visibly drunk as I’ve ever seen them — is the best time to confront Chelsea about their beef. This fight is just dumb, and to make matters worse, Romain has grown bold enough to speak freely on this show, a thing he hasn’t done much of since the days of Davina, and for good reason! He is not good at diffusing situations, and he’s not an impartial party. His presence next to Mary is hostile, not a sign that they’re interested in hearing anything Chelsea has to say. It’s possible that Chelsea is right, Mary just doesn’t like her, and that makes the focus she’s been giving this back-and-forth feel all the more like wasted energy. It’s sending your troops into Moscow only to find it empty and starting to burn.
Enter Amanda Lynn, a person you may remember for wearing the absolutely psychotic pink denim dress in season seven and for being one of the very few old friends Bre has that she isn’t absolutely furious to see. But Amanda Lynn is also one of the meanest people I’ve ever had the displeasure to experience on television. She meets Bre at a coffee place, where she effusively reveals that Chelsea’s husband was seen kissing another woman in the lobby of the W Hotel. Amanda Lynn pretends she heard this from a reliable source who lives at the W, but her “text evidence†has me convinced she simply got a DM from someone who works there — “one of our female residents†is not a phrase I can imagine using to describe a neighbor to a friend. Also, it’s hard to imagine people being friends with Amanda Lynn, who is simply out of her mind with joy over the idea of Chelsea’s family (which includes two children who never did anything to anyone) falling apart.
Bre works hard to convince us that she’s conflicted over what to do with this information and is sympathetic to Chelsea’s plight, but Amanda Lynn radiates a wickedness that undercuts however decent Bre is trying to be here. She’s actually giggling when she reads out that he was kissing a “28-year-old girl, and she was pretty.†Maybe if Chelsea had back-burnered her pointless Mary feud and made a more concerted effort to make amends with Bre, she wouldn’t be in her sights like this. Maybe if Napoleon had turned back sooner, all of Europe would still be France’s. These are questions only historians and reality-TV producers can answer, but it’s safe to say that winter is descending on the Eastern front, and Chelsea is underdressed.
Unlisted Observations
• Things We’ve Learned About Alanna: She’s Canadian and she owns a place called Pioneertown; she also doesn’t care what happens to her lip liner.
• Z List Celebrity Who Pretended to Almost Buy a House: Sofia Franklyn.
• Chrishell and Emma sitting across from Chelsea to do their gossip at the coffee place is so high school in a way that — much like the Taylor Swift song — it seems like it would be annoying but is strangely so cute.
• “Nicole Scherzinger was G’s gay awakening.†This show is so topical sometimes.
• I love Amanza’s birthday party. It’s refreshing to see someone throwing a relatively normal birthday party with no fire eaters, sexy dancers, or live animals. Just friends at a bar and a cake made of flowers, like God intended!
• Nicole getting so drunk that she tries to physically lift Jason up over her head is a welcome change from … everything else we’ve ever seen Nicole do.