The great irony of being a villain is that you stand against the idea of peace and friendship; you are all for yourself and never for anyone else, but you also need help. To be effective, you must have someone with you, if only so you can express your evil schemes for the audience’s benefit. Walter White has Jesse, the Brain has Pinky, Captain Hook has Smee, and Bre has Amanda Lynn. This is what Nicole is missing and what makes her so frustrating: Instead of a smirking accomplice egging her on, she has Mary, who doesn’t even want to get involved, rendering her totally inert in a way that makes the audience feel just plain bad. But some major changes are beginning to unfold in these final episodes of season eight, “World War Bre†and “Burning Down the House,†with Bre embracing evil, Chrishell looking pretty foolish, and a rare peek at a scary side of Mary.
Mary’s upset that people were fighting at her dog’s funeral, but she’s never going to do anything about it. She admits that. So who cares? She talks about how “Scary Mary†almost came out of her when she saw the argument happening, but I guess she decided that’d be too entertaining for a TV show, so she put Scary Mary away. I have always given Mary grace because she’s gone through a lot on-camera, and she’s grieving a pet right now, which is a pain I understand all too deeply. But Mary’s refusal to fight for herself, to misdirect some rage over the death of her dog at her misbehaving co-workers, definitely cost these episodes a star and continues to cost Nicole her dignity.
When we see Nicole state Emma’s rumor out loud to the camera — “Emma has likely had relations with a married man†— we think we’re getting somewhere. We also get a thing I love where they linger on Nicole way too long and let her keep rattling off weird clues to a mystery she’s already revealed. “​​There are certain people you shouldn’t be romantically involved with,†she offers coyly, despite having just told us everything, “particularly if certain people have, I don’t know, certain jewelry on certain parts of their fingers.†Thank you, ma’am; yes, we heard you; please return to your seat. But it goes from funny to sad when it never leads to anything. Here’s Nicole with this whole plan of attack laid out: she even has a little “don’t throw stones in glass houses†catchphrase picked out that she’s so excited to use she says it twice. This should lead to a confrontation with Emma, and while Alanna tries to spark this, Mary makes it clear she won’t be Nicole’s backup. Nicole realizes that doing this alone means she’d just get screamed at by three people at once until she cries, and no one wants to see that. Maybe Alanna would be game to stand near her, but her legal jurisdiction ends at the borders of Pioneertown, so she’d be of no real help at all. So, all we get out of this are brief cuts to Mary and Nicole’s largely non-reactive faces when Emma arrives at Amanza’s art show.
At least we can be happy for Amanza, who seems to be slowly freeing herself from The O Group’s grasp just as it feels like it’s descending into a pit of true evil. Amanza is at a point in her life where she can paint a picture — something she loves doing, something that makes her feel proud, something that adds beauty and color to the world around her — and get $18,000 for it. That is so much money for a normal person. But to Mary, it’s nothing, which she basically says when she reminds Amanza that the commission checks at The O Group make whatever hell they have to live in worth it. It’s a little jarring to be so straightforwardly reminded that the reason even the nicest among them are here doing this to themselves on camera is simple: greed.
Even Chrishell, who has historically been this show’s heroine and force for all that is sweet and smiling and good in this world, ends up looking more conniving and cowardly than she’d probably want. Chrishell has tried very hard to stay friends with Bre for reasons I cannot understand, given that Bre has openly stated again and again she literally doesn’t care if everyone hates her. Why would you want to be friends with a person who doesn’t even care how you feel? Her focus on this as Chelsea’s marriage is actively falling apart feels cold, considering how often Chelsea talks about them being best friends. Chelsea and Chrishell seem to be on good terms once they hash it out while literally teetering on the edge of a pool, but Chrishell choosing to be so aggressively neutral feels like such a cop-out at the expense of Chelsea. I suppose it’s a way to stay in the mix without giving too much of herself, but it feels calculated in an icky way. Also, I miss having G Flip around! Where are they!? I was kind of hoping we’d get to see a wedding, but alas!
It will be interesting to see what Chrishell makes of Bre’s full turn to the dark side. In case you were wondering whether Bre was lying about being a simple victim of Amanda Lynn’s wicked machinations, Bre all but confirms it outright by declaring war on Chelsea and Emma (she unfollowed her on Instagram already!) and deciding to try and get Amanda Lynn a job at The O Group. Why? Because they questioned her motives! An unforgivable slight. Bre shows up to The O Group offices with Amanda Lynn in tow, both clad in black leather outfits, and then just sort of … hangs out? They drink whiskey and play pool menacingly as they wait for Jason to show up to his office. When he doesn’t, Bre calls him and though his voicemail specifically says not to leave a message, she does anyway. She’s breaking all the rules, folks!
On a more serious note, Bre is currently being sued in the real world by three of her former employees who accuse her of, among other heinous things, making “derogatory and demeaning comments about members of the LGBTQ community.†This isn’t addressed on the show, but it feels like it definitely should be, given how hard everyone came for Nicole over the Instagram comment stuff.
What feels weird is how the focus of everyone’s online ire has mainly remained on Nicole, even though Bre literally ends the season by saying she has “so much†on Emma. Bre is also far messier and more confident than Nicole, so she seems like a much bigger threat. I’m almost wondering if there’s a plan to quietly exit Bre if the lawsuit gets worse or something so that they’re trying not to put too much narrative focus on her. While this season ends somewhat abruptly, and without Emma ever even being told about Nicole’s gossiping, it’s not unusual for this show to end on a cliffhanger. Now we just have to wait and see if they can get everyone back in the same room for a final showdown — one Chelsea seems primed and ready to lead.
My main takeaway from this season is that Chelsea is a star. She’s just the total package: brave, clever, good at real estate, so gorgeous it feels illegal; I just can’t get enough. She also has an incredible talent for understanding the show. She gets when a storyline is played out, when the audience won’t be on her side anymore, and when it’s time to move on and up. She can do this even when her entire world is falling apart, like a British Taylor Swift! She ends the season by proudly removing her wedding ring during her confessional but never addressing whether her husband even knows what’s happened yet. And honestly, that’s fine with me. The last person I ever want to see on my television again is that man named Jeff. Chelsea will be fine because Chelsea is smart. Here in this $4.2 million house with a clear, 180-degree view of the Valley, she clearly sees what she needs to do: be the hero this reality docusoap real-estate TV show needs. We leave her gazing out over the horizon, dreaming up a new life for herself, one she’ll be perfectly willing to fight for when the time comes.
Unlisted Observations
• Emma’s Death Wish: Jason, like all of us, got lulled into a false sense that Emma is different and no longer looking to end her life every chance she gets. He leaves her alone in his new Ferrari, assuming her inability to drive a stick means she won’t steal it. She does. While her joy ride is brief and limited to first gear, Brett warns that he “would kill her if that were my car.†Not the thing to say if you don’t want her to steal yours next, dude.
• Things We Learned About Alanna: Her Chanel bag broke!
• I’ve never once cared about being rich until I saw the dry cleaning machine in the closet of the house in the Pacific Palisades. Now I need to very quickly scrap all my personal principles and do whatever it takes to afford a closet that steams and disinfects my clothes. This will make me happy forever; I just know it!
• Amanda Lynn mentions that Bre described Alanna as “the boring one,†which is fair, but I’ve had it with Bre being mean to Alanna for no reason. Alanna owns a cowboy town she invited Bre to visit! What does Bre own? Some leaky-ass house?
• Nicole posting on Instagram with Christine during the week of this premiere makes me feel like Gandalf seeing the light from Minas Morgul. Are they joining forces? That would be grand because we need Christine back, I fear. For Nicole’s sake, for the great battle of our time!
• I low-key think Bre’s blonde wig is an attempt to become Christine, another reason they should just bring back the real deal.
• “She doesn’t actually want to kill me†— Bre on why she likes Amanda Lynn, but let’s be real, Amanda Lynn has killed and will kill again. She drinks soup from a human skull nightly; I just know it.
• What if I told you that for a cool $450,000 — just a chill half mil — you can have three lights on your ceiling that look like cartoon ghosts haunting you actively?