The prestige of the entire Bachelor franchise has been dipping and cresting for years. There hasn’t really been a true watercooler moment in a minute. I know I was convalescing for the past few seasons, but again, if you asked me Zach’s fiancée’s name, I’d need way more than three guesses. (I’m gonna go with Strandella? Captcha? Detective Olivia Benson?) But you know how I know the prestige has been stripped away? That The Bachelor is now occupying the same cultural status as Hell’s Kitchen with that incredible KFC product placement.
I’m aghast. Listen, The Bachelor was never high art, but occasionally it was able to generate some splashy moments just from making sentient Instagram filters crash against each other in real time. And there was always product placement, but it was “subtle,†like someone standing in front of a gulch and saying, “From the Badlands to the World’s Only Corn Palace, South Dakota is the perfect place to fall in love.†I was happy, you were happy, the tourism board of South Dakota was certainly happy. But this? This President Trump welcomes the March Madness tournament winners to the White House and he got to pick the menu himself–lookin’–ass meal? The product placement is not matching the desired audience, loves. It’s not giving aspirational. The viewers are not lining up to grab a bucket of chicken. Maybe if Jesse led the ladytestants out to the pool and there was a custom Sweetgreen salad bar and everyone got an extra scoop of za’atar bread crumbs. Bachelor Nation, you’ve got a li’l cutie as your Bachelor and you’re coming off a Golden wedding! Have some pride!
Let’s get into it.
The editors this season absolutely love a no-context look into the future and then snapping back to present day. This time, it’s Joey saying, “I’m not someone who loves drama,†and in most instances, anyone who says they don’t love drama definitely loves drama. But I believe Joey. He just wants to smooch and validate women. Joey is the type of boyfriend who when you show him your manicure, he always goes, “Oooh! I love the length, sweetheart! I know you’ve been working on cuticle hydration.†He’d help a woman find her signature scent. He does not want this.
But we’ll get to that shockingly fast. The girlies are sitting around the house and, in one of my favorite moments, one says, “Do you feel like a little schoolgirl? It’s like I have a crush on the quarterback.†Joey is a sports boy, but that’s not his sport. They are told there will be two group dates and one “very romantic†one-on-one date. Edwina, Kelsey A., Lexi, Allison, Madina, Chrissa, Lea, Sydney, and Maria get the first group date of the week and head to a random performing arts center where Joey says that a few women will be joining them. Madina asks, “Permanently or just for today?†When she finds out that these women are older than Joey and single, I was surprised she didn’t burst into tears. It’s ASKN — April, Susan, Kathy, and Nancy from The Golden Bachelor. Remember? Remember when we used to be fun and relevant? “You’re my li’l boo thang�? Remember?!
The Golden ladies say their catchphrase, “If you’re askin’, we’re tellin’!†and let the ladytestants know they’ll be competing in the Mrs. Right Pageant. There will be another full studio audience because the budget was sky-high this season, and it will be three rounds: Lazy Sunday Fit Wear, Q&A, and Talent Show. Sydney was Miss Massachusetts Teen USA, so she knows how a pageant should go, but Lea says that she’s kind of nervous because she’s never been in a pageant before. Oh, Lea, by the end of the day, you still won’t have been in a pageant.
After a very lackluster fashion show, it’s time for the Q&A. The ASKN ladies try to tee up the women to be horny on main, and no one has any fun with their answers. When asked, “After 30 years of passion, how do you spice things up if things aren’t working quite the same?†don’t say, “We have a fun connection but we’ll add in some things if we need it.†No! Say, “I’ll dress as Jeanne de Valois-Saint-Rémy, the sexy post–French Revolution scam artist, and you’ll dress as Cardinal de Rohan, the unwitting patsy of the Diamond Necklace Affair, and we’ll see if you can win my favor.†Be creative and specific! Lexi is the only one who has a specific answer when she says she thinks Joey’s heart and sincerity are his best qualities. Also for her talent, she chooses “kissing.†She’s a hot bitch who deserved to win. Everyone is mad, but they’re just mad they got outwitted in a fake beauty pageant.
Also, I cannot emphasize enough that the reaction to Sydney’s very unimpressive cheerleading routine can only be described as a “smattering.†This humiliating defeat might be what fuels her attempt to psychologically and socially destroy Maria.
But Sydney is smart enough to never start the drama herself, having her friend Madina to get things rolling for her. Madina sits down with Joey and reveals that she’s holding onto this interaction about her age. Madina. Madina. Fucking let it go. You gotta let it go. You’re an unmarried 30-year-old. That’s SO ABSOLUTELY normal and you should be made fun of a little bit for making “I feel so old†your entire story line. She tells Joey that someone saying that she’s not that old (which is true and a compliment, quite frankly) invalidated her feelings and she felt bullied when someone asked her who told her. She says she’d rather not say who made her feel this way, throwing the cocktail party into chaos.
Joey can’t imagine that there’s someone in his midst who isn’t sharing all of themselves and possibly hiding that they’re a bully. He tells the women that if there’s something going on, he needs to know about it. Kelsey A. gets the group date rose because Joey told her he’s basically hot for her even though they haven’t had any conversations. This is a man who trusts his gut.
After Joey leaves, Madina says she did bring up the whole Maria-age conversation but didn’t name Maria, and said that she felt bullied, not that Maria is a bully. This is a meaningless distinction and on some level, they all know it. Maria is trying to get into the bullying comment when Sydney says, “I also felt bullied,†out of fucking nowhere. Bitch, not now. Maria fully embodies the mob-wife aesthetic when she says, “Oh, Madone.†Sydney says that Maria just talks shit about Madina all the time. Earlier, she also accused Edwina of talking shit about Lexi, and Edwina said, “Oh, I’d say it to her face.†The problem is, I don’t actually know if Madina and Sydney are still shaken up about Maria’s comments. It seems like Madina wants some time and sympathy from Joey and knows this is a way to keep the story focused on her. Sydney just doesn’t like Maria, which feels like anti-Italian discrimination to me. Sydney declares that she’s feeling attacked and storms out … then walks back in to ask if any of the other girls want to share an SUV to the mansion.
It’s time for Jenn’s one-on-one date. The most notable thing about Jenn is she talks through her teeth like Kandi Burruss. Joey and Jenn head to the beach for a day of surfing and making out. The cutest moment is when Jenn says that if you don’t make eye contact during a toast, you’ll have seven years of bad sex, and Joey freaks out. By the end of the day date, Joey says their lips fit perfectly together and he just wants to kiss her some more. Men, write that in your girlfriend’s Valentine’s Day card this year. They head to the evening portion of the date and she talks about her turbulent family life: Her parents had a very volatile relationship that ended with her father living in the basement of their house for six years and her parents never divorcing. Joey says they’ve had a day full of fun, opening up, and now it’s time for the pièce de résistance — a drone light show! Dystopian! Jenn gets the rose!
For the last group date of the week, Katelyn, Autumn, Rachel, Daisy, Evalin, Kelsey T., Starr, and Jess get a card saying, “I’m done playing singles.†Tennis! I would have started tennis lessons the second I got that casting email. The ladies head to the court in their tennis finest and Li’l Joey is flustered for a second and admits that all the women in their tennis gear is a fantasy of his. Joey, I feel like a hot lady in tennis whites is a very achievable fantasy for you. They’re joined by James Blake (tennis) and Pam Shriver. Katelyn is so close to nailing the classic Clueless line when she says, “It’s intimidating to have balls flying at my face that quick.â€
Everyone is put into pairs and given a Spirit Halloween couples costume. Autumn and Daisy are the Cry Babies, Starr and Rachel are Hot Dog and Bun, Jess and Katelyn are the Beehive, and Kelsey T. and Evalin are Lobster and Butter. Joey cannot get enough of Kelsey’s butter-pat hat wobbling as she goes to serve. Bits, ladies. That’s the way to this man’s heart. The teams play each other and none of this matters.
They head to the cocktail party and Katelyn reveals that the women in her family are cursed because they’re all single. Her mom got divorced and has been single ever since, and Katelyn has been single for two years! Gasp! The curse! Rachel’s earring gets stuck on his sweater and she doesn’t use it as an opportunity to sneak a kiss or smell his cologne. Daisy sits down with Joey and asks if he has any other questions about her cochlear implants. The whole interaction is very cute on Joey’s end, and you can see Daisy trying to figure out how to date as a woman with cochlear implants. “Uh … do you want to touch them?†Oh, sweetie, he likes you! You’re fine!
Katelyn gets the group date rose.
Back at the mansion, Lea and Sydney are talking about the drama. Sydney says she’s just associated with the drama, she’s not the drama, she’s not the mean girl. Lea says Sydney is showing she’s a graceful, admirable, well-valued woman. Sydney says enough is enough and she’s going to tell Joey. This is when a set of weird hypotheses about Sydney started forming in my head that I cannot fully explain, so I’ll just run through them and you let me know in the comments what feels right: This whole interaction between Sydney and Lea has a certain “bless your heart†churchiness to it; neither of these women are “girls’ girlsâ€; Sydney was told at a very young age that people she doesn’t get along with are just “jealous†of her; they’re doing this just because Maria has black hair. But the most important conclusion I reached is this: Madina needs to tell Sydney to fucking stand down. But she doesn’t want to! What’s happening here!!
Jesse comes in and introduces the nadir of the franchise with this KFC pool party where no one gets in the pool. By the time Joey arrives, Sydney has informed everyone that Maria is manipulating them and JOEY DESERVES TO KNOW. She takes Joey aside and tells him that Maria was attacking her and called her “embarrassing, weird, and dumb.†She calls it a hostile environment like she’s talking to HR. It’s like Sydney wants to see the manager of The Bachelor and will not rest until she gets Maria fired. Joey wants to know the full story, so he takes Maria aside and asks her about these accusations. Rachel says that this is the worst pool party of her life. In addition to Madina putting a stop to all this, someone else needs to say, “Yeah, we saw Maria talk to Sydney and Sydney is making this up.â€
Maria says she’s been bullied in the past, so she would never put someone through that, and she feels like she’s just not being received well by everyone in the house. She says that this puts her in a weird spot because it’s only her word against Sydney’s. She also says if Joey likes her, he can’t possibly like Sydney too because they’re so different. And with that, her fate for a two-on-one date is sealed. Joey also realizes he maybe shouldn’t have listened to production and asked one follow-up question.
Pool party’s over, it’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Evalin is crying again. Girl! Please! Lexi, Lea, Kelsey T., Rachel, Madina, Daisy, Jess, Edwina, Autumn, Allison, Maria, and Sydney all get roses. Sydney says she’s not going to let the mean girl win. Sweetie, if you’re looking for a mean girl, look in the mirror.
See you next week for a TWO-NIGHT BACHELOR EVENT!!