Everyone, I have a confession. It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted to be vulnerable, but I can really feel a connection between us. After all the time and everything I’ve been through, it’s hard for people like me, beautiful award-winning geniuses, to open up, but I just feel safe with you.Â
Y’all, I really like Joey. I know, I know. I feel so stupid. Can you believe it? Me, of all people. A talented, gorgeous, decorated writer who began this journey during Chris Soules’s season, enjoying the personality of THE ACTUAL BACHELOR??? But I really like Joey. I might even be falling for him. When he talks at length, I don’t find myself putting on my headphones and turning on a meditation podcast. When he responds to a woman’s emotional backstory, his answers are more than eight words and include verbal punctuation like semicolons. When he happily joins in on group activities to prove that he’s equal to the women, I find myself muttering under my breath “short king.†In an attempt to pander to however many Swifties might be reading this right now, I am “Down Bad,†“But Daddy I Love Him†“Florida!!! (Ft. Florence + the Machineâ€!)
Let’s get into it.
I need The Bachelor to find a different way to open this television program. I gained absolutely nothing seeing Maria and Sydney stare forward while sitting on a very large boat. I was not intrigued. I was not surprised. Just open the episode with Lil’ Joey in the shower or something!
It’s morning in the Bachelor Mansion and everyone is basically over the “drama†between Maria and Sydney. And by drama I mean Sydney being an absolutely unreasonable person while wearing a series of increasingly hot dresses. I need just one woman to tell Joey that Maria isn’t a bully or verbally abusive, she’s just from a family that talks with their hands.
But we can’t get into that now because it’s time for the international part of the journey to begin! Did the random American city get cut in the last few seasons? No trip to Boise, Idaho, for the girlies? They’re all going to … MALTA! Autumn wants to know if Malta is Europe. That’s something we all should ask ourselves. Jess says the Maltese dog originated in Malta! Jesse says their flight leaves in an hour! Is the Mansion next door to the airport?!
Joey is excited to be in Malta because it’s got that old-school vibe and he can tell it’s got a lot of culture. He’s really starting to develop natural and organic connections with the women, and if he’s gonna bring someone to the altah, they’re gonna hang out in Malta! He actively boos whoever wrote that ad copy to satisfy the tourism board of Malta.
The first date card arrives for the week and Lexi gets the “explore the city and end up in a church†date. Every single location that anyone goes to this episode gets some location text. Is the country of Malta really small and these are all different cities? Are these different neighborhoods? I know for a fact that these are not locations in Game of Thrones, so I’m unsure what I’m looking at. We start in Valletta and Joey is excited to spend time with Lexi and see if their chemistry continues to grow. They try some local pastry and the pastry vendor asks if they’re married and when they both tell her “not yet,†she goes “oooh, so you’re loooovveeerrrssss??†As we’ll see, this whole country wants Lexi and Joey to reproduce.
Meanwhile, Sydney says that she’s been completely occupied by Maria and it’s beginning to affect her health. This might be the first documented case of hater-induced lethargy.
Back on the one-on-one date, Joey and Lexi go to an old church and Lexi remembers her grandfather who was a painter, and while Joey is trying to ask the first of 19 followup questions, a random priest arrives on the scene to drive Lexi’s story line forward. He tells them that a family needs children and they should have children and CHILDREN bring happiness. Oh no, this is heavy-handed on behalf of production and I’m guessing the Catholic church. They head to the evening portion of the date and Lexi is ready to talk to Joey about her health and if she’ll be able to have children.
Joey dons The Salmon Jacket and they sit down for a romantic dinner. Lexi tells him that she moved from San Francisco to New York and was basically sick for a year and a half while doctors tried to figure out what was going on with her. Eventually, she had surgery and doctors realized she had stage 5 endometriosis. She had uterine tissue growing on her lungs and after the surgery, her doctor informed her that she wouldn’t be able to carry and give birth to her own children. I remembered my own experiences with fertility, my friends’ experiences with fertility, then I absolutely spiraled thinking about how doctors couldn’t figure out what was going on with me and I had to keep seeing doctors because I knew something was wrong and then I started to think about the general state of reproductive health and the Dobbs decision and I had to lie down in a dark, cool room until I calmed down. All of that to say: I don’t think I or anyone else can be objective about this subject, and quite frankly, we shouldn’t fucking have to be. Lexi says she told an ex that she wouldn’t be able to give birth to his children, he BROKE UP WITH HER. I would like to find her ex and [REDACTED] his [REDACTED] until he [REDACTED]. WE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE OBJECTIVE ABOUT THIS!
Joey says he’s never had to have a conversation about if a partner could have kids before, but that’s because he’s never been in a position to talk about this seriously, and now that he’s looking for a life partner these conversations need to happen. He also says he appreciates that Lexi felt safe enough to share something like that with him. He feels that she has that motherly instinct and there are other ways to have a family. He also says that it doesn’t scare him and he doesn’t want to run away. (He also says it makes her stronger and everything happens for a reason. I’m docking a full letter grade for that.) Is this the year The Bachelor learns about chronic illness and disability and how to sorta-respectfully talk about these things? Reader, I’m just as stunned as you. Lexi gets the rose.
The next day, the group date of Jenn, Daisy, Edwina, Katelyn, Allison, Rachel, Autumn, Kelsey T., Jess, Madina, Lea, and Kelsey A. heads to Fort Manoel, which was a filming location for Game of Thrones, and one of the knights leading the group date says, “It’s an original fort built by the knights of Malta and where they do lots of interesting stuff!†Stuff happened here! The ladytestants all get in their medieval-knight gear and Joey has popped that shirt off. He says he should have done a few more push-ups. He’s trying his best, he’s the Fun-Size Bachelor!
I won’t go into every activity, but I did write in my notes, “This is terrible.†Then it’s time for the Sausage Wheel. I Googled “Sausage Wheel Malta†to see if the show made this up or if this is a very important cultural tradition in Malta. I make no assumptions about and have no expectations of Malta. A bunch of sausages on a string are going to spin around and the women have to catch them in their mouths. Joey decides he’s going to play the Sausage Wheel because he can’t make the women do anything he wouldn’t do himself. Hmmm … watching the man I’m growing emotionally attracted to catch sausages in his mouth? How do I condense that down into one sentence to search on an audio erotica site? Autumn wins because it’s narratively convenient, not because she catches a sausage the fastest. She gets some extra time with Joey, which ends up being about 15 minutes while they look out over the cliffs and make out.
The evening portion of the group date is a pleasant montage of the women with Joey while he has some voiceover about how he feels excited and he’s getting lost in it. Daisy says she wants to name her future twins Coco and Ocean. Joey puts on his glasses and Jess tells him that she really likes him. The two Kelseys stand out because Kelsey A.’s hair is lush and full and Kelsey T. asks Joey what he needs for their relationship to grow. Joey says he feels something between him and Kelsey T. that is making his heart flutter. Kelsey T. gets the group-date rose.
By process of elimination and producer manipulation, Sydney and Maria are on a two-on-one date together. This two-on-one date is fucked. It’s way too early in the season for one of these, and usually the two-on-one is only tense because the lead has even the tiniest bit of chemistry with both people. I don’t think Joey has ever had a conversation with Sydney. And besides, Maria came dressed to fucking kill and Sydney is wearing dad sandals. Joey does not want to be doing this and quite frankly, neither do I! In what universe is Sydney coming back from this date?? Please do not insult me! Put Joey in more little shorts! I’m just demanding things now. Let me focus.
Sydney says she’s got a plan going into the date, sending chills down my spine. Maria is getting through the beginning part of the date by trying to make Joey drown out the sound of her own anxiety and Sydney is silently praying that Maria bursts into flames. She breaks her silence long enough to say she’s scared of small spaces. Bitch, we are on a fjord and cave tour. Joey takes them to Malta’s most uncomfortable bench and says he’s got to talk to each of them to get to the bottom of the drama. Sydney tells Joey that after the pool party, all hell broke loose and Maria just started disrespecting everyone! She was very disrespectful! She also told Lea to shut the fuck up, and as we’ll see in this episode, Lea should shut the fuck up every now and then. Sydney says Maria isn’t someone Joey would want for his wife. I dislike Sydney so much I can’t even make fun of her.
Apparently saying “shut the fuck up†is the line for Joey and he’s got to ask Maria about that. Maria says she left all the drama in L.A. and that her telling Lea to shut up is absolutely untrue and vulgar. Joey just wants everyone to be comfortable and he doesn’t expect them to be friends. Maria wants to know if that’s something he’s willing to look past and trust her and he says he’s willing to try. Maria is basically shutting down even though that’s a pretty mature and reasonable answer from Joey. He drops Maria back off at the tiny uncomfortable bench. Maria is like, “This is ridiculous, we’re on-camera all the time!†and Sydney says that Maria will never own what she did and that everyone feels that way. Raise your hand if anyone who was ever trying to bully you said “Everyone feels this way.†My hand is definitely raised because of the time Sarah C. told me no one liked me during the great improv troupe presidential power struggle of 2009.
THIS DATE HAS AN EVENING PORTION?? AW, FUCK ME. Thankfully, Joey just has one question for each woman: “Uhh … do you still like me?†Sydney says that this is her fighting for Joey and she would show up for him every day. Ugh, no thank you. Maria says she felt a strong connection between them and she still wants to be there, and Joey says again that he wants to try with Maria. Maria gets the rose and Sydney says on her way out, “She sucks.†I dislike you very much! Good-bye!
Joey and Maria head to another antechamber where an opera singer sings “Ave Maria.†If Sydney was given the rose, do you think the singer would have sung “Ave Sydney�
As Lea watches Sydney’s luggage get taken away, she starts crying. She also starts taking note of what her friends and her enemies are doing.
It’s time for the cocktail party! Everyone is having a good time! Joey and Jenn put their feet in the pool! Edwina tells him that she likes him! Katelyn brings him some kind of little cake that they bite at the same time! Madina finally opens up to Joey about her tragic backstory. She says that “Something between her parents happened†and they got a divorce. It’s vague but significant. They do a little trust fall!
While everyone is taking their time with Joey, Maria has decided to hang back for a little bit because she already has a rose. She’s eating grapes dangled from above by Allison and starts calling for everyone to come watch. Listen, you go watch that girl eat grapes. It’s a powerful image, but all the levity and frivolity in the house is UPSETTING LEA! No one is respecting the memory of Syd, the moral heart of the house. My boyfriend came in late to this episode and I was trying to catch him up and he was very confused about who was fighting and who went on the one-on-one date. To clear everything up, I said, “And then there’s Lea … who is just being kind of a bitch for no reason?†I’m choosing to re-read her tossing that one-on-one steal card into the fire as an act of moral superiority. I knew it. I fucking knew it.
Lea takes Madina aside to clear the air. Lea says that Madina’s narrative has changed because when Syd was eliminated, she was upset but now that time has passed, she’s not upset anymore and is talking to Maria. Madina is like, “Why are you critiquing me?†Lea says, “No, no, giving clarity.†Madina, in her Madina way, is completely over this and does not want to engage.
Then Lea says a truly incredible sentence. “Madina’s perspectives are different than what I would perspectivize in this situation.†PERSPECTIVIZE!!!!!!!!!!!
Maria asks Madina what’s wrong and Madina says, “Everyone’s mad I’m nice to you,†and this causes Maria to absolutely spiral. She heads outside to talk to production and threaten to walk off the show, and Lea calls her a drama queen crybaby. Lea sits down with Joey to tell him exactly how Maria has treated them all. God damn it!
See you tomorrow for the stunning conclusion and a trip to Spain!