I’ve started and deleted at least five different openings to this recap, including one where Lea, Jess, and the ghost of Sydney were all witches around a fire, levitating and casting a spell on Maria. It was evocative, it was moody, it was a metaphor extended past metaphor. It had to go. Without another twist like an early-season two-on-one date or someone self-eliminating, the main impression I’m left with after watching the second night of this dramatic two-night Bachelor event is: Maria’s not that bad, right?Â
What is the actual deal? Unless she’s Joey’s Final Rose and production is choosing to hide her worst qualities from the camera (like Lauren B. on Oatmeal’s season), I’m just not seeing Maria being such a nightmare. Honestly, the reasons she’s rubbing some undetermined number of the women the wrong way seem more like “She’s in her late 20s†and “Joey is attracted to her.†I desperately wish Lea or Jess possessed even an iota of self-awareness that would allow them to connect their bad behavior to the fact that Maria won the two-on-one date and got the group-date rose. Neither Jess, Lea, nor anyone else with a problem with Maria can identify what she’s doing wrong besides “the disrespect.â€
Also, this is ABSOLUTELY confirmation that Lea tossing the “steal a one-on-one†card was not a move of real altruism but an attempt to prove to Joey how high-value she is and to prove that she doesn’t need any bonuses or advantages because she’s just. that. hot. This is classic “23 years old and I don’t understand that my type of hot isn’t the only type of hot, so I’m just going to treat people this way†behavior. I had my suspicions of Lea from the moment she tossed that card into the fire, and there are few things I love more than having my suspicions confirmed.
Let’s get into it.
We are still at the cocktail party with Maria completely breaking down when Madina comes to comfort her. Y’all, if Madina can get over whatever nonissue she had with Maria, everyone else can. I also think Madina has made peace with the fact that she’s probably going home so it’s not worth it to struggle. Jesse comes in to tell everyone the cocktail party is over, and each rose ceremony means more and more for Joey. He’s thinking a lot about each rose. Finally, a Bachelor who thinks about his decisions before he makes them.
Kelsey A., Katelyn, Daisy, Rachel, Jenn, Autumn, Jess, Madina, and Lea all get roses. Allison is returning to join her sister back in Philadelphia, and Edwina is also going home. Edwina was wound so incredibly tight that I hope she’s able to take a 15-hour Epsom-salt bath when she gets home. Relax, my sister. Relax. Maria shakes her head that Lea gets a rose, and on her way back to her spot in the lineup, Lea almost takes a tumble. Symbolism.
Joey announces that they’re heading out from Malta and on their way to Andalusia, Spain! Everyone feels refreshed and rejuvenated, and production decided to choose violence on this day. They put that Li’l Joey on a Vepsa, which is just a Li’l Motorcycle, and have him ride up to the women and then ride off with Kelsey A. Could they have put the women in the hotel and had the first-date card arrive? Yes. But would that inflict any emotional pain? No. I need everyone who hasn’t already had a one-on-one date with Joey to roll a sanity check, and if they fail, they take 2d6 of psychic damage. My favorite moment was watching all the remaining girls agree to stress eat and the only thing on the table is marinated olives. That isn’t comfort food! Get these women a pan of paella! Kelsey T. is hit particularly hard and cries in a Spanish alleyway. Do I sense a late surge in the edit for Kelsey T.?
Joey and Kelsey A. have another classic “walk through the city and sample local cured meats†date. There’s an old couple who tells them they look happy! There’s a fountain where you can make wishes! Someone brings them no fewer than 12 glasses of wine on a tray! We’ve all seen this date before!
One thing that’s a little hard to navigate this season is that it seems as if Joey has amazing chemistry with everyone, so it’s hard to know exactly where he stands with anyone. On this date with Kelsey A., he says he’s giddy and she makes him feel special, but almost everyone makes him feel special. Joey, you can’t go on like this! (I will say that Kelsey A. has Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon hair, and that makes me feel giddy and special.)
For the evening portion of the date, they head to a 13th-century bathhouse. I desperately wanted one more piece of information about the 13th-century bathhouse, but alas, it’s just a little table for the two of them. Kelsey A. tells him about how her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and it became very aggressive and the doctors gave her only six months to live. After a few months, her mother passed away, and Kelsey A. is thinking about special moments in her life without her mom there, like a wedding. Before she left for the show, she saw some butterflies and her father reassured her that her mother was brave and it was very brave what Kelsey A. was about to do. Oh my God. These women are so beautiful and so vulnerable. How? How is this possible?!? Then Joey absolutely demolishes anyone in the audience currently not crying by telling her that she exudes all the qualities she has been describing as her mom’s best qualities. JOEY!!! Weeping emoji! Weeping emoji! Kelsey A. gets the rose! I’m fine! I’m fine!
It’s time for the group date. Lexi, Daisy, Jenn, Autumn, Maria, Katelyn, Madina, Lea, Jess, and Kelsey T. are on the date card, so that means Rachel is getting the one-on-one date! The group-date card says, “Our love is a work of art!†Lea says it sucks that she has to be on a group date with Maria. The ladytestants meet Paula, whom Joey describes as a “mixed-media creator, capturing the universe from a feminine perspective.†Is this the woman who perspectivized Joey into existence? Is she the Pygmalion to Joey’s Galatea? Paula wants all the ladies to write a sentence, turn that sentence into a quote, turn that quote into art, and turn the art into special time with Joey. All the ladies head to their canvases and Joey starts painting a portrait of himself. Let. Him. Cook!
It’s time to reveal the paintings, and this is also somehow a guessing game for Joey to identify the elements of the paintings. He says one painting looks like Skittles and very proudly says, “That’s a surfboard!†when he sees Jenn’s portrait. Maria’s painting features the storm before the calm because that’s how their relationship has been going so far. Jess’s sentence rhymes. No one told her to do that; she just did, and that’s what makes her better and different from the other women. She gets to slather her and Joey’s body with paint and roll around on a canvas.
It’s time for the evening portion of the group date and everyone is just emotionally vomiting onto Joey how difficult it was to see him ride off on a Vespa with someone else. Maria tells him about how when she was 1 year old, a CEMENT MIXER fell on her mom’s car! Her mother broke every bone in her body, and Maria was pronounced dead at the scene. If I was Joey, I’d need to stop and take a lap after that information because WHOA. Just WHOA! And that’s not even the end of the story. That was all to explain that her mother fell into a depression and wasn’t really in Maria’s life until a few years ago. Maria says her mother wasn’t able to be the mother she would have wanted to be and her father supported her through her recovery. Joey loves that she’s opening up to him and explaining why she’s always so positive. She gets the group-date rose.
Lea reacts to this by saying in her confessional, “My heart is in my ass.†Okay, that made me laugh. She says Maria must be putting on a good performance to be validated and loved by Joey, and I say you are an all-time hater if you see another woman be emotionally validated by a man and your first reaction is “What a performer!â€
It’s time for Rachel’s one-on-one date, and she has been fantasizing about going to Spain with a boyfriend for years. I did not know Spain occupied the minds of Gen-Z women like this. Is Paris passé? They head to a flamenco lesson, and they’re given special little boots. Joey unfortunately chose shorts for his outfit today so his boots are on display. Does Rachel have dance experience? I feel like we saw a brief glimpse of her doing a hula with Joey at a cocktail party. Because this girl has presence. She keeps making eye contact with Joey as they flamenco, and it is electric.
For the evening portion of the date, it’s explained that Rachel is a slow burn and takes a little longer to open up. Joey lets her know he’s ready to listen to her whenever she’s ready. She decides she wants to tell him about being an ICU nurse and how important it is to her. She talks about the emotions she takes on dealing with patients and their families, how she works long hours, and how some guys can’t handle dating a nurse for those reasons. Joey says he loves what she does and is willing to learn how to support her. Then she says, “Yeah, it’s not like I’m going to quit my job!†YES! YES, RACHEL!! It’s okay for your job to be important to you and to let your future partner know how important it is! She gets the date rose. They get fireworks! That’s a great sign! Who is this final four going to be!?
It’s time for the cocktail party, and production has decided to destroy Jess. She is still feeling insecure about seeing other people’s connections with Joey. She’s slowly disintegrating. She declares that she’s going to hang back a little bit during the cocktail party because she got extra time with Joey. She’s being respectful. She’s being conscientious. She’s being rea—Maria stole Joey. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Jess is LIVID. “It’s giving disrespect on all sides! What the fuck, Maria!â€
Listen, Maria is a Hot Bitch. She’s not letting a moment pass by without parading in front of Joey in a backless dress and making out with him. And here’s the thing: He likes it! Joey is into her!!! That’s why you’re mad, Jess! It’s not about the disrespect. It’s about the fact that Maria has dark hair and a boy likes her. There are no rules on The Bachelor other than get him to like you. “Don’t pull him aside too early if you already got time with him� If he likes you, he certainly doesn’t care. So you might as well pull him aside. “Don’t pull him if you already have a rose� If he’s into you, he’s not going to stop you. So if you don’t have a rose, you might as well pull him aside because someone else will! You don’t get extra points for following the rules that don’t exist and that only you agreed to.
When Maria comes back to the group, she sits down and Jess tries to throw a little shade: “Pretty early convo for someone with a rose.†No! Incredibly smart move by someone who likes Joey and who Joey likes! And an incredibly stupid move by Jess not to pull Joey and to get caught up in all of this. The best thing is Maria just says “yup†and asks, “Is there a problem?†after Jess doesn’t have a retort. She says Maria is nothing but rude and disrespectful. Maria wants some examples. Apparently, she told Jess to get out of a conversation she was trying to interrupt, which, if true, is very funny. You’re soooo rude! You told me to stop interrupting you, and that’s the first time anyone has ever done that to me! Maria says, “Sorry if it breaks your balls.†Another reason these women don’t like her is that Maria is very East Coast coded in her speech and attitude despite being from Canada. She’s direct in a way that is very familiar if you’ve ever lived in New York. Sure, she’s gonna roast you to your face, but she will help you navigate the subway if you’re lost.
Maria gets frustrated and tells Jess to grow up, which Jess definitely needs to do. Jess takes it a step too far and says, “You need to grow the fuck up, bitch!†Maria has done a few things I could definitely see annoying people, but I don’t think she has resorted to name-calling like this. Jess just throwing bitch out there and then turning around and crying about the lack of respect feels very Gamma Phi at Alabama coded. Maria is right that Jess came with the attacks first and she’s always gonna speak her mind.
Once again, the other women are choosing not to get involved despite being split pretty much down the middle. They’re just annoyed that there’s drama. There would be a very easy way to get rid of the drama, and that’s to tell Lea and Jess to calm down. Oh well, it’s time for the rose ceremony. Lea says the other women better come correct and know how to dress because she does. Peep the nails, the dress, the earrings, the hair. Jesus Christ, is she auditioning for Mean Girls: The Movie: The Musical: The Movie?
Jenn, Kelsey T., Daisy, Lea, Lexi, Katelyn, and Jess all get roses. Madina and Autumn are going home. And the rest of the women are going to … Montreal! Uh oh, Maria’s homeland. Her magic will only grow stronger! Beware!