I know what you’re going to say. “Ali! That was such a heartwarming episode! I bet it’s going to be real fun for you to recap! What a relief and a joy for you! This is going to be an easy job for you this week!â€
OOOOOOooooh, it’s soooooo easy to be me. What an eeeeaaasssssyyy job this week! No! Noooo!!! What am I supposed to do with this? Give me something to work with here. Where are the absolute trainwreck Hometowns of eras past? We’ve seen estranged religious fathers not even attempting a reconciliation in the middle of a Hometown date. We’ve seen a random ex-girlfriend confront the lead to tell them that one of their contestants has a habit of dating married men. What about the time Aaron Rodgers’s family explained why they no longer fuck with him and we were all like, “Wow, they’re kinda nuts,†and now we’re like, “HANG ON, LET’S HEAR MORE FROM THE RODGERS FAMILY. THEY WERE ONTO SOMETHING.â€
But this? I can’t do anything with this. There wasn’t even any drama about going into Fantasy Suite dates!! Everyone has a healthy relationship with sex this season, I GUESS?!?! USELESS.
Let’s get into it.
First up is Kelsey A.’s Hometown date in New Orleans, scored by the Princess and the Frog soundtrack. Kelsey’s excited to show off everything she likes to do in New Orleans. Read: ride a tandem bike, a thing that no human person has ever done. She says it feels special to be with him in the park, and Joey is just trying not to fall. Kelsey says that when she sees a butterfly, it makes her think of her mom, and she’s seeing them all over the park. She’s pointing them out to Joey, and he really wants to see one, too. Kelsey talks about how much her mom would have loved to meet Joey and how she misses her mom so much in happy moments like this. This date has me on the verge of tears at all times.
It’s time to meet her family. They meet her brother, her sister, and a future contesticle on The Golden Bachelorette. ABC must be losing its mind that it managed to wring exactly zero drama out of these dads. I did notice that all of these women seem to be in constant communication with their families. I love talking to my family, but once a week is good for me.
Kelsey’s dad pulls out a photo album of Kelsey with her mom, and I am full-on sobbing. I do not come to The Bachelor for this sincere expression of emotion. I cannot handle it. Joey sits down with Kelsey’s father and tells him that he feels special and lucky to have gotten to meet Kelsey. Her dad says that a man deserving of Kelsey will be the one she picks. Correct answer! My favorite thing is when he tells Kelsey’s dad that “his feelings make sense.†Oh, my dear Li’l Joey …
Here’s the thing: This episode is honestly a little repetitive. I’m getting the sense that Joey’s (unstated) desire to not tell anyone that he’s falling for them or gush about his feelings is leading to emotional conversations that are a little same-y. I mean, the most romantic thing he can manage when talking to Kelsey’s dad is “these feelings make sense. They do.†In his attempt to be responsible with everyone’s feelings, Joey is sanding off the edges of his personality. Now, I don’t know what his actual personality is because I, famously, didn’t watch Charity’s season, but I think Joey could stand to be a little messy. Even if only for my viewing pleasure, he needs to slip up a little bit and let us know exactly what it looks like when he’s madly and messily in love.
It doesn’t help that he’s managed to pick four women who are holding back their own emotions out of fear of getting rejected. The end result is four Hometown dates where the parents are giving the same advice and the women are all having the same revelation and then Joey is having the same reaction. Every girl deserves protection and love and care and support, and Joey can tell you that these feelings are real and his words hold a lot of weight.
Even on Maria’s Hometown date, where Joey goes in with a little apprehension and Maria flubs the landing, there’s no blowup or even a meltdown. The whole thing feels like a student asking a teacher to accept a paper a day past the due date instead of two people with crazy chemistry realizing that their two brands of overthinking are just not compatible.
I’M BORED!!!!!!! Oh, dear God, I’m bored! My heart is warmed but I’m tuning out.
Kelsey is definitely getting a rose.
Up next is Rachel in Rancho Cucamonga. How … how did we get here? I’m not one of those people who doesn’t see the connection between Rachel and Joey. I think they’re both very levelheaded people who can tell that the other has a deep well of emotion, but that doesn’t make for very exciting television. Also, did we know about this past relationship? Rachel was almost engaged?? Her family took it hard?? Did I completely space on this narrative, or is this new information that we haven’t heard because Rachel has been getting less story time than the other women?
Rachel explains some of the customs and traditions that Joey can participate in when he meets her family. Rachel’s family is Hawaiian and Filipino, and she tells Joey that they couldn’t go to Hawaii, but her family is bringing Hawaii to them. She also explains mano, a Filipino custom of touching an elder’s hand to your head, and that he should call her dad Mr. Nance at first. When they arrive at the backyard, a tiny child runs up to them and there’s a giant roast pig waiting. This is a backyard party I would like to be invited to. Joey touches her mom’s hand to his head and everyone flips out. Rachel’s mom says that a suitor should eat the pig’s ear, and Joey eats it in one bite. Okay, white boy! He is serious! I wish I understood how he got there with Rachel. At the end of the party, her family brings out a set of sticks and Rachel dances tinikling, much to her family’s delight. She dances with Joey and tells him that they have to make eye contact, and, honestly, that was hot. A lot of the women talk about how Joey makes them feel safe, but I’d wager that Rachel makes him feel safe with a little hint of nonthreatening sexual tension. I see it. I see it.
When it comes time to sit down with Rachel’s family, they talk again about this massive breakup and how both of her parents just want to protect her. Her dad, Hakim, manages to say he’s going to protect his daughter without coming across super patriarchal and possessive. Rachel’s mom tells Joey, “Yeeeeeah … we don’t know you. That’s the whole thing,†and Joey is like, “I can feel your hesitancy and I respect it.†Joey pulls the honestly shocking move of asking Hakim for his blessing if he decides to propose to Rachel. Notice that Joey only asks Rachel and Maria’s fathers (or we’re only shown him asking their dads). In an attempt to get any tension out of these Hometowns, Rachel’s dad tells him, “If that time comes, she has my number. You can call me man-to-man,†which leaves room for Rachel’s autonomy and still gives Joey what he’s asking for. It’s unclear if this is what Joey wants, but it answers the question.
When it’s time for Rachel and Joey to complete the “Sit Down Awkwardly on a Conveniently Placed Front Porch Bench†portion of the date, Rachel gets instantly emotional. And there’s that clip from last week’s preview. She wasn’t crying because something bad happened! She was crying because she sees a future with him and she’s falling in love with him! She says she wants it to be them at the end and this is her choosing him. This is where she clinched that final rose. THE STEAL OF THE GODDAMNED CENTURY.
Time to head to Becker, Minnesota! Home of the Sherburne County Generating Station and Daisy’s family’s former Christmas tree farm. Now this is some high-octane wholesome nonsense. Daisy’s narrative is that she can’t bring herself to tell Joey that she’s falling in love with him until she gets her family’s approval, and Joey knows it. Daisy very much feels like the front-runner going into Hometowns, and Joey basically says he wants to say he’s falling in love with her but he’s gotta wait until she gets there.
They stumble upon a Hallmark Christmas movie set, as created by the people behind the Wonka Experience in Glasgow. They also run into a gang of Daisy’s friends, a bunch of flannel-wearing, Dyson Airwrap curl bitches — and one hypebeast?!?? Back at Wellesley, we had a little saying: Who does he belong to? Daisy tells her friends that being with all of them reminds her of how sick she was and even if it’s not her and Joey in the end, she will have the feelings they shared forever and she now knows that a relationship like theirs is what she deserves. AND THAT’S THE GAME. Daisy’s parents could climb onto the dinner table and tear apart a Costco rotisserie chicken with their feet and Joey would still have heart-eyes for Daisy. Also, the moment when Daisy finally sits down with her family and says that her younger brother’s voice finally sounds like how she remembers before the cochlear implants: If that’s not our Final One, that’s our next Bachelorette. Joey says, “Right from the beginning, I was in trouble.†Which, as you all remember, is white girl for, “We are going to bang. Often. Hard and often.â€
The best best best moment, though, is Daisy sitting down with her dad and talking through her hesitancy to open up fully to Joey. He sits for a minute, thinking about what to say, and finally tells her, “Shoot the shot. If you nail it, it’s all the marbles. Not like you’re gonna lose your hearing over it,†and they explode into tearful laughter. Incredible. Every part of it is a masterpiece. “Shoot the shotâ€: an incredible dad version of “Shoot your shot.†“If you nail it, it’s all the marblesâ€: just a delightful little bit of Minnesota gibberish. “Not like you’re gonna lose your hearing over itâ€: Anyone with chronic illness or a disability will tell you that a slightly dark, well-timed joke is THE love language once you’ve moved through the scariest parts of your treatment. Take it from me and how often my family repeats the advice I got from a nurse in the hospital: “Everyone poops their pants at least once.â€
Daisy tells Joey that she’s falling in love, and Joey answers with, “I feel the same way.†Game. Set. Match. (Did I do a tennis?)
It’s time for Maria’s Hometown date, and oh, oh, Maria. My dear sweet bad bitch. She is trying so hard to be the girl that Joey could choose on this date, and it all feels a little too rehearsed and a little too restrained. She knows she almost fucked it all up and she’s got to keep it together today. Joey does a cartwheel on The Maid of the Mist as they ride around Niagara Falls.
They have a little sit-down before they head to Maria’s family, and Joey tells her that he wasn’t worried that she was feeling insecure or jealous; he was worried that she was going to walk out last week. There are some rumblings in the comments that Maria was trying to pull a fast one and threatened to walk out so Joey would ask her to stay. Yeah, I don’t think so. Maria is a lot of things, but she’s never been conniving. She just thinks out loud on a show where there’s zero room for that. She was never going to leave, and if her family is to be believed, this is pretty much her first serious relationship. She probably doesn’t have good conflict-resolution skills.
It’s time to meet her family, and her dad isn’t intimidating or mean or a mobster, despite the show playing the royalty-free Godfather theme. Her family is just Italian-Greek. Maybe this comes from growing up outside Chicago, but a dad with slightly too long hair and questionable jewelry is not cause for concern. You stay on his good side because you will be eating well at his house and he definitely knows the best mechanic in town. This television show and its audience are just not used to people with thick eyebrows and a yia-yia.
Her dad is a delight! He’s a bit too much of a “My daughter is my princess†dad, but he loves Maria and has no problem giving Joey his blessing. He says, “You’d be more than a son to me because the woman you chose is my life.†That’s beautiful. Maria sits down with her dad and he tells her to open up and that Joey asked for his blessing. Maria quietly says, “I don’t think you’re supposed to tell me that.†He encourages her to tell him how she feels, and Maria agrees it’s time to tell Joey she’s falling for him …
BUT SHE FUMBLES!! At the last minute, when it’s time to say good-bye, she just can’t do it. She says, “I appreciate you being here.†Maria!! No!!!
Time for the Rose Ceremony. The women all gather in a plane hanger and when Joey enters, Maria asks to talk to him. Rachel is NOT PLEASED. Maria pulls him aside, behind a decommissioned helicopter, and tells him that she is falling in love with him and she wanted to tell him and she would regret it if she didn’t tell him. Again, you could see this as a ploy for a last-minute rose, but I’m choosing to see it as Maria needing to do the math before committing to an emotional position. Joey is UNMOVED.
The final roses go to Daisy, Kelsey, and … Rachel. Joey walks Maria out and tells her that he just had too many doubts going into the final weeks. They don’t even really hug good-bye. Fine. I guess we got a little drama.
See you next week for Fantasy Suites and some terrible advice from the Golden Bachelorettes!