Well, America, awards season is wrapping up, but there’s one more award ceremony to get through …
FRIENDS AND ENEMIES, IT’S TIME FOR THE 28TH ANNUAL FANTASY SUITE AWARDS!
It’s a time-honored tradition to hand out the Gold Key to the Fantasy Suite. I’m your host and MC for the night, coming to you live from my bathrobe. This is my 40th time hosting these awards, and it’s a pleasure every year.
So, let’s get this show on the road! And hey, let’s give it up for Ryan Gosling! Ryan Gosling, everyone! He’ll perform a medley of songs from The Bachelor: Listen to Your Heart.Â
I figured since this Fantasy Suite episode is completely devoid of any real drama (that wasn’t totally manufactured by production), why not have a little fun and hand out some awards for the amazing performances we saw tonight? Let’s get into it.
The nominees for Best Stunt Performance are:
Joey Driving a Four-wheeler
The Cameraman Getting an Up-the-Bikini Shot of Kelsey
The Li’l Sharky Guy Hanging Onto the Turtle
Rachel Jumping Into a Cenote
And The Golden Key goes to … Rachel, who gave herself lockjaw before the Fantasy Suites by jumping into a cenote and hitting her head?
First up is Rachel’s Fantasy Suite date. Oh, Rachel. She seems to be fitting into the “Emotionally Delayed Best Friend Spot.†You know, the contestant who makes it to Hometowns or even Fantasy Suites based on the strength of the friendship they have with the lead, and there’s definitely some chemistry. Still, their main story line is about how slowly the feelings are developing between them and the lead. (An amazing previous performance in this role is Eric from Rachel Lindsay’s season.) Rachel sits down with Susan from The Golden Bachelor, and Susan reminds her that she’s got to open up, be vulnerable, and let her guard down. Rachel reveals that both of her serious relationships have ended because her boyfriends cheated. I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HEAR THAT EARLIER! I feel like we’ve been robbed of Rachel’s growth and story this season, partially because of her insistence that she’s a slow burn and partially because production focused more on other people throughout the season.
Her day date with Joey is a metaphor wrapped in an analogy, draped with a liability waiver. They jump off increasingly higher platforms, and the final platform has a sign that was whittled that morning that says, “Love is a leap of faith.†Somehow, Rachel hits her head and totally hurts her jaw. What a shame right before Fantasy Suites. Rachel’s insistence that she’s fine has Joey worried, and Rachel saying, “I am opening my mouth wide†when she’s barely exposing her teeth is a bit of unintended physical comedy. They head to the hospital together where she gets an X-ray and a clean bill of health. As someone who has spent a lot of time in a hospital and emergency rooms, finding someone who will hang with you in an overly air-conditioned hospital room and watch The Price Is Right while you wait for a doctor is a keeper.
For the evening portion of their date, Rachel talks about her fears that she’s been playing catch-up with Joey after their one-on-one date. She repeats that all of her serious relationships have ended because she’s been cheated on, and feeling like she doesn’t get time with Joey when she wants it is slowly driving her to the brink. Rachel can’t even let herself talk, and she looks like she’s trying to keep a mouse in her mouth from wriggling out, and Joey immediately notices. He gently tells her that it’s okay, and she breaks down in tears. Oh, Rachel. This really looks like Rachel is letting go of something deep inside of her that’s about more than Joey. They head to the Fantasy Suite, where we find out that she tells him off-camera that she’s falling in love with him. I can see Rachel and Joey as a couple if they met in the real world. They have a Hawaii connection! It could work! Congratulations on your Golden Key, Rachel!
Our next category is Best Emotional Manipulation by a Supporting Actress. And the nominees are …
Leslie. It’s only Leslie.
Jesus Christ! How could they do this to Kelsey? I’d love to see a timeline on the filming of this season and when The Golden Bachelor aired, because if there wasn’t any overlap, Kelsey had to sit down with a woman in her mid-60s she didn’t know at all and listen to her emotionally process being dumped by a semi-retired fuckboy who told her she was the one and then changed his mind. If this was your relative, this would not be helpful! Everyone at Thanksgiving knows not to ask Aunt Donna for relationship advice after her divorce from Uncle Jeff! Oh God, your sister’s boyfriend asked if Aunt Donna is seeing anyone! Scatter! But Kelsey is forced to sit down with this Golden Stranger and receive the relationship advice of “There’s always the possibility that you could end up heartbroken. Never forget that. Let that color every interaction you have with Joey. Happiness is a façade and joy is fleeting! But be open.†And this is all after Leslie bonded with Kelsey by talking about their deceased mothers and looking Kelsey in the eye and telling her, “Your mother would be proud of you,†and that’s how you take home the Golden Key! Congratulations, Leslie!
Thankfully, Kelsey won the jury prize for Best Chemistry With a Lead Actor.
C’mon. Come onnnnnn! I definitely believe that Joey is the most into Daisy, but if you watch his interactions with Kelsey, you will see that these are two people who are WILD about each other. When Joey looks over at Kelsey and says, “I like your hair when it’s all crazy. It’s one of your best qualities when it’s crazy,†it healed the generational wounds formed by all millennial women who lived through the flat-iron-crazy ’90s and 2000s. Also, it reminded me of the women of Sex and the City talking about The Way We Were and Carrie going, “Hello! C-C-C-Curly!†So throw Gen-X women into the pile as being healed by Joey’s adoring gaze. Kelsey and Joey jump off a boat, tempting fate and ensuring there will be nominees for next year’s Stunt Performance Award.
Heading into the night portion of the date, Kelsey opens up that Leslie emotionally fucked her up, but she’s choosing to rise above it. Joey keeps saying that whenever he’s with Kelsey, he doesn’t want the day to end; he wants more time with her. He didn’t want to leave New Orleans. Yes! Joey! That! That is the feeling you should be chasing. Joey also talks about how he felt on Charity’s season, and Kelsey talks about how she felt talking with her dad about Joey, and she reveals that she told her dad that she loved Joey. “I do love you, Joey!†Joey tells her that he’s falling in love with her fully and he’s been feeling it for a while. They head to the Fantasy Suite, and Joey says he can look into Kelsey’s eyes and see what the future is. Guys! I’m all in on these two!
It’s time for the Golden Key for the Weakest Attempt to Implement Advice. Again, this is a jury prize voted on by a panel of her peers, and the award goes to “Daisy Making Out With Joey Before They Ride a Four-Wheeler.â€
It’s time for Daisy’s Fantasy Suite date and … Y’all, I guess. For all the talk of Rachel being reserved, I feel like Daisy is similarly reserved. Maybe it’s just her personality, but there are more than a few moments on this date when Joey and Daisy stare at each other, a little unsure what to say. It seems like she’s just as in her head as Kelsey, but she’s gotten there on her own. The advice that Daisy gets from Sandra is that sometimes men need to be reminded that you do want to bang them and just to put all negative thoughts out of your head. Coming from a woman who snagged a shirtless dancer as a date to Gerry’s wedding, I’m fine with all of this. Unfortunately, the awkward introvert chemistry between Joey and Daisy doesn’t have a lot of room for her to “tell him [she] wants to practice making babies.†So, when Daisy tells Joey she’s got one more thing before they ride off on a four-wheeler and smooches him, it feels more like a pair of high-schoolers trying something they read in Cosmo.Â
Something that’s very interesting, and I don’t know if this played out on Charity’s season, is Joey doesn’t seem to place a lot of emphasis on the possible sex aspect of the Fantasy Suites. We don’t know if they’re banging in there, and there are almost no hints about it. It’s not good or bad, but it’s undoubtedly different. When it comes to someone like Rachel and her connection with Joey, it would have been nice to hear if she was anticipating some physical intimacy with him before his big decision. Later, when Joey talks about “playing the role of the Bachelor and not being Joey,†it would have been interesting to hear a little bit about what the Fantasy Suites meant to him. Again, this is a very Bachelorette story line about being seen as The Role and not The Person.
I mean, there is some sexual chemistry between Daisy and Joey, because they make out in an outdoor shower for what feels like six full minutes as the camera crew hides behind plants and barriers.
It’s time for the evening portion of the date, and the biggest move that Daisy makes when talking to Joey is to fully and completely validate his fears about opening up. She tells him she’s fully grateful for him and how she’s changed how she sees herself and wants to be valued. She tells him that “falling in love with him is fun,†but am I mistaken? Does she not actually say she’s in love with him at this moment? Well, if she doesn’t, Joey goes ahead and tells her that he’s falling in love with her and apologizes for not reciprocating at Hometowns. Y’all. This might be the game.
And not helping her case is Kelsey, who has been sitting and freaking out waiting for the rose ceremony. She gets the great idea (again, no doubt driven by production) to leave Joey a note to talk. This sends Joey into a spiral as he waits for Kelsey to come to talk to him. How could this possibly end with Kelsey staying in the competition?
It’s time for the final awards of the night, and they’re superlatives!
Most Likely to Be the Bachelorette:Â Daisy!
Most Likely to Win: Oh my God, what’s this? Daisy! How is this possible? You’re only supposed to vote for each person once, you guys!
Most Likely to be Ali’s Vote for The Bachelorette: Rachel! That breakdown was the perfect intro montage and emotional backstory. Do it, ABC.
Biggest Underdog:Â Kelsey! If she can somehow get Joey to confess his love when she sits down with him, she might end up the biggest winner!
That’s our show, folks! Grab some (overrated) In-N-Out on the way home. See you at the after-party (The Women Tell All) next week. Good night!