Hey, girl, whatcha’ doing?
Hey, girl, where you going?
Who’s that girl? (Who’s that girl?)
Who’s that girl? (Who’s that girl?)
It’s Maria!Â
I mean, come on! Has there ever been a contestant on any iteration of this franchise so ascendant, so beloved, and so dominant in the game as Maria? My God, this is the performance of a lifetime. @BachelorData, count the minutes! Count the story lines! Let’s give it up to my girl, Maria. She didn’t make it to the Fantasy Suites, but this has been the season of Maria.
And yes, I am aware that Maria has some haters, but that’s all they are — HATERS who cannot recognize a bad bitch when they see one. I mean, look at the material: stands up for herself, holds other people accountable, and at the end of the day just wants everyone to be good. She’s willing to reach across the proverbial aisle and try to make amends, but she won’t let you spread lies to do it. A true bad bitch is empathetic and recognizes that a rising tide lifts all bitches.
But it’s not all Maria this week; we also get the hasty wrap-up of the Fantasy Suite dates for some reason? Then we’ve got the whole Women Tell All to dive into. Let’s get into it.
Y’all. Why is Joey shirtless in his dressing room before the Women Tell All starts? Well, at least the Golden Ladies are there. I’m surprised Jesse didn’t call them down to stare into each ladytestant’s eyes to confirm their worst fears. (“Madina, aging is inevitable. You will either die young or watch yourself age. Trying to fight it is a fool’s errand. Have fun tonight! You remind me of my daughter!â€) But it makes sense that ABC is trotting out the Golden Ladies and driving Joey around to various watch parties with Jesse. Something is WORKING and they are going to CAPITALIZE ON IT!!!
Also, poor Joey — who I think more and more is actually an introvert — being forced to go to Chi Omega’s watch party and put on a T-shirt drawn on with markers by three Meaghans operating as one.
The first segment is about all the drama in the house. Lea saying, “I’m such a girl’s girl†early in the montage made me throw my head back and cackle! If someone in your life says “I’m such a girl’s girl†but can cry on cue, RUN. When we come back from the montage, Jess is already crying. I don’t want to contribute to the obvious bullying that’s happening as social media has clearly turned on Jess, Sydney, and Lea but … oh girlie, yeah, it’s not gonna be great for you this Women Tell All.
The first topic of conversation is Lea tossing out the “Steal a Date†card. Lea claims that throwing the card out is evidence that she stands on business; no one should have to be worried when they go on their dates. “That’s just me, point blank period.†Maria calls out that Lea tossing the card in the first episode wasn’t a selfless act for the other women. Starr, who nailed her Bachelor in Paradise audition, says that Lea’s tears about the card was a performance. Some of the other women chime in to say they would have definitely kept the “Steal a Date†card, and YEAH! THEY SHOULD HAVE!! The other women, particularly Evalin and Madina, talk about how Lea, for someone who labeled herself a “girl’s girl,†spent a lot of time talking shit about and trying to manipulate people.
Lea tries to apologize to Madina for telling her to stop being nice to Maria by saying, “I’m very sorry you felt that way.†NOT! AN! APOLOGY! What is a good apology? (1) an honest accounting of the bad behavior, (2) an acknowledgment of the consequences of the bad behavior, (3) a promise to never do the bad behavior again, and (4, optional) a list of positive alternative behaviors. That’s it! That’s all you’ve got to do!
Jesse asks if Maria told Lea to “shut the fuck up,†and Maria didn’t say it … Lauren did! And she’s not remotely sorry. Hell yeah! Lea says that she feels gaslit by Maria saying she didn’t say “shut the fuck up,†and when the commercial break hits, Lea starts crying and rushes offstage. There are white-woman tears, but I think we need a name for the particular brand of tears when a hot mean girl is accurately called out for her behavior and her attempts to dodge responsibility are falling flat. But Maria is a class act and goes to hug Lea and says she wants to make up. Sydney ruins the moment by telling her that she has nothing to be sorry for. Goddamn it!
Next, they dive into the Sydney-Maria conflict. Madina gets called out by future Bachelor in Paradise star Starr that she probably should have put a stop to the Maria-Sydney conflict by not using the word bully or bullying. Sydney claims that once she heard the word bullying, she knew she had to stand up for her friend. Edwina has let her hair down and says that Sydney just didn’t like Maria! Which is honestly a classic hot-mean-girl tactic: framing your dislike of a person as some moral stand. I was standing up against bullying! I was standing up against gaslighting! No, you just don’t like someone! That’s okay!
The one thing that really stands out in how Maria handles these conflicts is she will not engage or go forward in the conversation unless everyone is clear on what really happened. When it comes to her conflict with Jess, Jess keeps insisting that Maria told her to shut up or “zip it.†Y’all, we’re all adults here. If you are willing to absolutely tank your reputation and call another woman a “fucking bitch†on national television because she told you to “zip it†a couple times, you are not in control of the situation. Jess says there was some animosity between them and, my dear, it seems like you were the only one with animosity! It seems like Maria found you a little annoying, probably because you’re 24, and 24-year-olds are kinda annoying. And your fun fact on your contestant profile was “Jess read her first book for fun last summer.†That also might have contributed to Maria telling you to “zip it.â€
Lexi gets a full-applause break when she says, “Is it a problem with Maria’s delivery or having an opposite opinion than your friend group?†Yeah! That’s it! Lea, Sydney, and Jess clearly thought they were the hot girlies in the house and that they could sway opinion and everyone would be completely charmed by them. (Remember Jess telling everyone she had a smoochy-poo with Joey?) They weren’t upset that Maria reacted poorly, they were upset Maria reacted to them at all. Edwina says that Maria handled things just fine, and if they had been bullying her, Edwina would have been cracking skulls. And really, Maria is a bad bitch! Some of you aren’t in the bad-bitch genre!
Time for the hot seats, which are all very sweet, but we don’t really learn anything new, so we’re gonna rapid-fire these.
• Lexi is receiving thousands of messages from people about their IVF journeys and their own endometriosis. Is this the first time chronic pain has been mentioned on the show? She also tells us Joey wanted to know what he could carry with him if she never needed some pain relief. That is a MAN.
• Jenn is having conversations with her brother about their father for the first time in their relationship. She’s talking to her cousins about their family. She says a lot of Asian children are expected to live at home and they aren’t seen as adults, but being on the show led her mother to see her as an adult for the first time. She’s looking for an undeniably ruthless love, and I think that means Jenn is willing to commit crimes and is searching for an accomplice.
• Maria takes the opportunity to say she doesn’t want Jess, Lea, and Sydney to get online hate because of the show. She also says she wants to make everything good between the women. She made it nice!
• Sydney saying “I should have been more resolution orientated than pointing the finger at youâ€: Therapy-speak is dead, long live Annual Performance Review–speak.
Time for the Rose Ceremony?!?!??! I guess!!!???
Kelsey’s note proves once again that if you tell someone, “We need to talk,†and you’re not going to break up with them, you need to include “(good reasons).†We do it in my work Slack; you should adopt it. This could not have less drama. Kelsey sits down with Joey and says, “I know we promised to communicate with each other and not let anything go unsaid, and I want to tell you what’s on my heart … I miss you bb love you mwah!†Joey’s entire body crumbles as he realizes that he got worked up into an anxiety spiral for no reason. Kelsey, please. He tells her he couldn’t imagine something being wrong between them after their Fantasy Suite date. Joey says he’s going to need some time to settle down again and hopes he can get over it by the Rose Ceremony. (Spoiler alert: He can.)
Daisy and Kelsey get roses, and that means that Rachel is going home. When Joey walks her out, he tells her that he couldn’t tell her he was falling in love with her, and knowing he couldn’t get there in time meant he had to send her home. Rachel understands but feels heartbroken that he couldn’t say it back. Joey says he still wants Rachel in his life and he really likes the way he feels when he’s with her.
It’s time for Rachel to be in the hot seat. Rachel is crying! She says she was in love with Joey and she feels like she didn’t open up fast enough and was maybe behind the other women who opened up earlier. Susan tells her to be strong! When Joey comes out, they seem like a couple who split up because one person was moving to another state and they still really like each other and they will actually stay friends! It’s very sweet and they talk about how much fun they had together.
Then … things pivot. Rachel talks about the racial abuse she’s getting online and people making TikToks threatening to throw up when they watch her kiss Joey. What, and I cannot stress this enough, THE FUCK??? There’s a real fucking problem in this fandom when it comes to the treatment of women of color. The fandom is terrible to all the contestants, but they are particularly terrible in lots of ways when it comes to the women of color. I remember hearing reports about how the ratings on seasons with Black leads were lower, and I guess that’s the fandom being neutral! Clearly, Joey is comfortable dating women of color, and we could have predicted his final four or three would have included at least one, but the show didn’t really do anything to “protect†Rachel. In fact, they barely showed us Rachel, making her seem like she snuck into the final three, and I bet that set the stage for a lot of the questioning of how she ended up there. Combine that with how women of color are treated on the internet in general and you get what Rachel talks about! Joey tells her she doesn’t deserve that, and Jesse looks into the camera and talks about messages of hate toward the contestants being on the rise. COOL!
Well, after that brief but impactful detour into some light hate crimes, it’s time for the women to praise Joey, and Joey to gently follow up on stories from the season. In addition to bloopers, we get Unseen Moments! The ladytestants imitating each other and Joey doing a pre-rose shimmy! Joey absolutely housing some macarons! And Jesse dubbing Joey’s lips talking about how great he is at tennis! Time for bloopers!! BLOOPS!! Joey can’t say “Minneapolis,†Maria has a mic pack in her ass, and tons of bugs!
See you next week for the finale!