Well folks, remember last week when I said I was hopeful that Charity was avoiding some of the pitfalls that tripped up previous Bachelor(ette)s? Not since I last said, “I’m not feeling this weed gummy. I’m gonna take another,†have I been so quickly proven wrong. But here we are in episode two, and the phrase right reasons was said so many times that I am genuinely worried that hospitals have been overrun with people who got alcohol poisoning from playing the drinking game where you take a drink every time a Bachelor buzzword is used. Instead of shutting it down immediately like she did with her brother, Charity lets the accusations rattle her. It’s a shame because Charity is very good at talking about feelings — I mean, she’s a family therapist, so she’s literally a professional in human relationships. I was very much hoping that she would resist these petty little squabbles. But we’re not there yet.
It’s the morning after the first rose ceremony, and Aaron B. is still doing his lucky-coin thing and Wrestler Caleb is still wearing a cowboy hat. This is the thing about normies: They don’t know when to drop a bit. A cowboy hat on night one is fun and memorable. If you make a cowboy hat your thing, it seems like you were too lazy to develop an actual personality. And speaking of fashion choices subbing in for a personality, Brayden is wearing a scarf, dangly geode earrings, and a weird little ponytail that his hair is too short for. Even Jesse Palmer drags him for it. If the blandest man in America drops an F-bomb to make fun of you, it’s time to reassess.
After he’s done clowning on Brayden’s style, Jesse tells the guys that this week will have two group dates and a one-on-one. Up first is the one-on-one, which goes to Aaron B., a.k.a. A. A. Ron, a.k.a. Coin Guy. He walks outside to see Charity and a red convertible. All the guys come out to gawk at it. I am not a Car Girlie (notice I have not mentioned its make or model), but it does look pretty cool. Their date is a picnic under the Hollywood sign; I just visited L.A. last year, so I was just doing the “Leo pointing at the TV†meme and missed their entire conversation. I checked back in when Aaron finally revealed that his coin is double-sided. Like, yes, obviously, but thank you for telling us because I was going insane. Later he says, “I don’t need my lucky coin anymore because you made me feel like the luckiest guy today.†Booooooooo! You had that line planned before you got on the plane to California!
Over the dinner that no one eats, Aaron does his required trauma-dumping for love points. He tells Charity that he used to be a bad boyfriend and that he struggled with “active listening†before putting in the time to work on himself. All the boys are going to therapy!!! Charity says that she’s into him — “He made me feel like the only girl in the room … well, technically I am†was a funny line — but, I don’t know, I didn’t see the same kind of physical chemistry that she had with, God help me, Brayden. I think Aaron looks good on paper and will probably get to the top four, but I don’t see him as the winner.
Meanwhile, back at the house, we get some real Dudes Rock content. Several of the guys play around in the pool doing backflips off the hot tub. With World Record Jumper Chris no longer in contention, there’s a mad dash for the prestigious title of King Jumper of Bachelor Mansion. But, uh-oh, here comes the fun police! Adrian and Firefighter Aaron see some boys goofing around and decide we can’t have that. Firefighter Aaron says, “I can tell who’s here for the right reasons and who’s not.†He was doing this last week too when the guys were messing around doing backflips in the house. This guy HATES sick jumps. (Or, more realistically, he’s sad he wasn’t invited to the boys’ hot-tub party.) Adrian says that because he’s a dad, he needs to be SERIOUS ABOUT THE PROCESS. I have a baby, too, Adrian, and I still like to have fun with my friends. I know I made a joke about this last week, but this is now literally the I Think You Should Leave zip-line sketch. Tim Robinson is an actual prophet.
Dotun comes in with a date card, which says that he, Tanner, Adrian, John, all three C/Kalebs, Xavier, James, Aaron S., Sean, and Brayden are going on the group date. It says, “Suns out, buns out.†When they get to the date, it seems like they will just play beach games. Tanner says, “I was nervous that we were going to be wearing thongs, but we’re just having a fun day at the beach!†Oh, sweet Tanner, don’t you know how this show works? Jesse can hear you! He arrives with an ominous box and says they’re going to be competing in a dodgeball game, and they ARE going to be wearing skimpy Speedo bottoms. Wrestler Caleb writes 3:16 on his chest and I need to know if this was a joke referencing religious signs at sports events or an earnest allusion to scripture. Either way, God is not on Caleb’s side, as his team loses and he doesn’t get the MVP trophy, despite a group consensus that Caleb was MVP. That honor goes to Adrian, who gets to join the winning team at the postgame cocktail party.
Brayden actually says at the cocktail party that Caleb should have been MVP, which bristles Adrian. Okay, here’s the thing: Do these guys actually believe the MVP trophy is a real, objective award given to the best player in the dodgeball game? This is a television show; everything that happens is a catalyst for storylines. Yes, on camera Charity picked the MVP, but she’s talking to producers all day. Adrian got the MVP trophy because he was going to stir up drama with Charity by telling her that some of the guys weren’t there for the right reasons, and that’s exactly what he does. He brings up the pool shenanigans … I guess implying that when Charity isn’t around the guys should be sitting around quietly thinking about her? These guys don’t have their phones, they don’t even give them books to read. They are allowed to goof around!
I’m sorry to say that Charity takes the bait, telling the men that she’s worried about their intentions. She uses Adrian’s language of guys acting like they’re on “spring break.†But, and this is important, Adrian doesn’t get the group date rose; John does. It’s the classic tale of the dragon slayer, a trope that has been around forever but was given a name in JoJo’s season when a menace known as Chad was sent home on a two-on-one date. It’s a title given to those who take it upon themselves to defeat another contestant, usually by talking badly about them to the lead. They are sometimes successful in that quest, but the dragon slayer is notably never the hero. Being a tattletale is just not sexy. We’ll get back to this, but first, we have to talk quickly about the second group date.
Side note: I love Charity’s wardrobe this season. Shout out to her stylist. That black-and-white sequin jumpsuit is gorgeous.
Okay, onto group date number two. John Henry, Michael, Warwick, Joey, Josh, and Spencer arrive to find Gabby and Rachel, who explains that they’re here to see who has the most chemistry with Charity. How will they do that? By attempting to break a record for the longest kiss in Bachelor history, previously set by Sean Lowe. But first, we’re doing kind of a Newlywed Game–style quiz thing? But also they have to kiss their hands to show us how they’d make out? This is a REACH. I am all for a silly “see if you have chemistry†date designed to embarrass, but it needs to be better conceptualized. This is like camp counselors trying to cobble together activities that will kill an afternoon because it’s thunderstorming so you can’t go to the lake. Anyway, Joey wins because he makes a lot of eye contact (?), so the rest of the guys have to stand around watching them kiss for four minutes and 25 seconds while Rachel and Gabby commentate. Then it’s revealed that Joey is getting a one-on-one tonight instead of the typical group-date cocktail party. There he tells Charity that his dad is gay, but his parents still have a great relationship. Happy Pride to Joey’s dad!
When the group-date losers get back to the mansion, Brayden (who, it must be assumed, has been drinking all day) says he wouldn’t have watched Charity kiss another guy. When the rest of the men rightfully challenge him, asking if he would have thrown a fit and stormed off, he doubles down and says he feels like they were disrespected and that it was a classless move on Charity’s part. Okay, two things here. (1) Brayden has the exact vibe of a guy who won’t shut up about ethical non-monogamy, so it’s weird that he’s this put out by Charity kissing someone, and (2) Contestants will often talk about how they’re disappointed that the lead picked something or someone for a date but, like, the lead is not choosing dates here! I’m sure they have enough input to make them feel like they’re in charge, but it’s the producers who are making these decisions based on what will generate the best TV. We’ve all seen UnReal!
The next day, Jesse comes in with a classic good-news-bad-news fake out. Bad News: There’s not a cocktail party. Good News: There’s a barbecue! Brayden says that he’s packed his bags and needs to “get some answers†from Charity about the group-date kiss or else he’s going home. I know I defended Brayden a lot last week (and I am on his side in the Adrian thing), but here he unequivocally sucks. Just like Logan did last season, Brayden is trying to make himself the show’s main character. This is a phenomenon unique to The Bachelorette, which I think has its roots in some heteronormative bullshit. The power balance in these shows is wildly weighted in the lead’s favor. In many straight relationships, especially relationships the painfully basic Bachelor(ette) casts are used to, men have more power. So these men aren’t used to feeling powerless in a relationship, and this kind of ultimatum is a way to try and take power back. That’s manipulative and gross on its own, but Brayden doesn’t even have the backbone to follow through! In his conversation with Charity, he mumbles some stuff about doubting her character when he heard about the kiss but doesn’t mention wanting to leave or feeling disrespected or any of the gobbledygook he was telling the audience, the rest of the guys, and, presumably, the producers.
But that’s okay because Adrian is more than happy to do so! When Charity asks him to clarify his “spring break†comments, he doesn’t hesitate to throw Brayden all the way under the bus, hop in the driver’s seat, and run him over a few times. He tells her that “Brayden was invalidating Josh’s feelings,†which is probably the exact right thing to say to a therapist to make her question someone’s emotional maturity! Jesse tells the guys that Charity isn’t here because she found out some information that upset her. Adrian admits to the gist of their conversation, which annoys the other guys. This is why being the dragon slayer is never a good idea! If you upset the lead enough to make her leave, the group is going to be mad at you, no matter how justified your complaints are.
Charity opens the rose ceremony by alluding to the conversation with Adrian and says she has to follow her heart. Of course, producers stand Adrian and Brayden right next to each other, and of course Brayden gets the last rose. Villain status solidified. Dotun, Tanner, Caleb B., Warwick, Michael, Sean, Xavier, Aaron S., James, and Adrian also get roses. That means Josh, John Henry, the other two C/Kalebs, and Spencer are going home. I’ll miss you, Spencer; I can’t wait for you to weird everyone out on Bachelor in Paradise.