Greetings, Bachelor Nation slime puppies! My name is Emily Palmer Heller, and I will be your humble Bachelorette recapper this season. My bona fides are thus: I have been watching and thinking about and yelling about and alienating my friends and family by talking about The Bachelor franchise since 2015. (My first Bachelor: Chris Soules. My favorite Bachelor: Ben Higgins.) My husband and I briefly ran a Bachelor Fantasy League before being told by my mother-in-law, “I don’t like the way you guys watch this show.†I hope that y’all like how I watch this show!
It’s season 20 of The Bachelorette, and Charity is a pretty classic bachelorette (read: bubbly, nice, wholesome) after a few seasons of “unconventional†leads (read: There are two of them, or her whole thing is being horny.) I get it — the franchise is feeling the heat from flashier, more gimmicky shows like Love Is Blind, and producers seem unclear what audiences want from a more established reality dating show. Viewership is down, and a new 9 p.m. time slot (behind the bonus-Jonas-hosted Claim to Fame, which sounds like a fake show from 30 Rock) doesn’t bode well for our favorite franchise. Can Charity get things back on track? Who knows, but from this first episode it is clear that she is GOOD AT THIS.
We get Charity’s little package about how she was hurt before but really opened her heart and found love with Zach on The Bachelor. We see him tell her, “You deserve all the love and I couldn’t give it to you,†which is the kind of meaningless breakup cliché that is harmless and I think he means well, but it still makes my skin crawl. Anyway, Charity dances through various locales around her hometown of Columbus, Georgia, and has a little sit-down with her family. It is here that we’re first reintroduced to Nehemiah, Charity’s brother and best friend who came off as super overprotective when he met Zach. I am sorry to say we haven’t seen the last of these weird vibes!
Charity arrives at the Bachelor Mansion, which has been set up with a fancy little pergola because, as Jesse Palmer (age 44, as the chyron helpfully indicates) explains, it’s raining and rain is good luck on a wedding, so maybe it’ll be good luck for this television show taping with an ironclad production schedule! It’s time to bring on the men — oh wait, no, sorry, first here’s a little Indiana Jones tie-in promo!
Okay, now it’s time for the men to arrive. Every season, they make these men cram into a limo and chant the Bachelorette’s name. They do it on balconies and in pools and on football fields and it makes me giggle every time.
Up first out of the limo is Aaron B., a software salesman from San Diego. He makes the Key & Peele “A.A.Ron†joke because no one on this show can make a reference from beyond 2015. He gets a little package about how he’s a photographer, plays piano, and believes “You can just connect with anyone at the beach.†What the fuck does that mean, A.A.Ron?? He brings a “lucky coin†to flip and says, “If it’s heads we get engaged, if it’s tails I pack my bags.†It’s heads. He does it again later at the cocktail party, and it is extremely clear that it’s a double-sided coin, but this is never brought up, which makes me feel insane because it will dramatically change how I feel about Aaron. Was this a bit? Did he tell Charity it was a double-sided coin so they could have a good laugh about it? If so, that’s fine, but why didn’t we see that? If not, it’s an extremely lame gimmick. Release the Double-Sided Coin Cut!
Next up is Josh, a Harvard grad student from Pennsylvania. I get the vibe that this guy hangs out with his mom too much.
Joey is a tennis pro who lives in Hawaii and his whole thing is White Dude Explaining Hawaiian Culture. He has a package about how his parents are divorced, but that hasn’t stopped him from believing in love. Also, he talks to a chicken.
Warwick’s parents met on a flight, so he brought her a one-way plane ticket to his hometown. Cute enough.
Xavier is getting a doctorate in biochemistry. We see a little footage of him messing around in a lab. He’s hot. He knits. He works out but doesn’t seem weird about it. The only red flag is that he plays ukulele.
Next, we quickly run through a suite of forgettable men, so I will do the same. Caleb B. is a family medicine doctor. He brings out a stethoscope. Khalid tells her what his name means. I literally have nothing in my notes for Nick. John Henry is an underwater welder, so he wears a diving helmet. Too soon, John Henry! Aaron S. is a firefighter, so he has them blow a candle out together. Tanner makes a joke about a terrible towel, which I’m told is a sports reference.
Here’s where our editors have a little fun. (I noted in the Bachelor in Paradise recap I subbed in for last season that I think the show has new editors — they’re playing around a bit more than usual!) Rather than getting the chyron with name/age/occupation right off the bat, this guy just comes out of the limo and does a backflip. Then we learn he’s a literal world-record jumper. We get a little footage of him in the gym jumping onto tall things. Chris is the guy most likely to just be here for the zip line.
Oh, boy, here comes our main character of night one (and, if the promos are to be believed, much of the season), Brayden. He’s a travel nurse with Clark Kent glasses who does beach yoga and wears one of those fringed scarves that I thought they stopped making in 2011. He also says one of the most baffling sentences I’ve ever heard on this television program: “I live my life with wanderlust, you know, like Aladdin.†?????????????? Brayden seems extremely annoying, but travel nurses make good money and there are worse crimes than dressing stupid and having too much energy. I hate that I already feel like I have to defend Brayden, someone I would go out of my way to avoid talking to at a party, but I’m going to do it again later. Ugh.
Spencer is a medical sales director who makes a lot of eye contact, and at first I can’t tell if he’s doing a bit? He says if any of the guys give her any trouble that she should just kick them in the balls and then says she should practice on him??????? But Spencer grows on me by the minute every time he’s onscreen. I don’t want to date him, but, like, I don’t think he’s as off-putting in person as he comes across on-camera. I think he’s just a kinda weird, intense guy, which doesn’t really translate well on TV. Later at the cocktail party, he tells Charity that he’s a dad, and she seems to like him well enough to keep him around for now.
Caleb B. is a pro wrestler in a cowboy hat who plays a heel in the ring but assures us that’s just a persona. (For what it’s worth, my husband used to work in TV and says that every pro wrestler he’s met has been very sweet.) Caleb is establishing himself in the confessionals as the audience surrogate who says what we’re all thinking, especially later when shit goes down with Brayden and Charity’s brother. (We’re getting there, I promise.) This is a surefire sign that Caleb won’t get very far with Charity, but he’ll clean up on Bachelor in Paradise.
Next to arrive is a trio of men whose whole thing is that they’re tall: Joe, Kaleb K., and Adrian. Then James, a lawyer from Chicago, another pilot named Peter, a yacht captain named Michael, Taylor who I didn’t write anything down for, and Sean, who wrote a giant “donation to Charity†check (lol, you tried).
Finally, we get John, who is very cute and gives Charity a fortune cookie because it’s “a little Chinese, a little American,†just like him. The fortune reads, “You will meet the man of your dreams tonight. His name is John.†Yes, John! This is the exact level of cheesy you should be bringing to the limo entrances! Last up is Dotun, another tall king who was born in Nigeria.
Just when you think we’re done with limos, Jesse Palmer comes out and tells Charity that there’s one more guy, “somebody you already know.†There’s a whole dramatic thing where the limo pulls up and the camera pans up from the driveway, but, like, we already saw this in the promos, we know it’s Nehemiah. Y’all, this is so weird. I do not want any of my family members around when I am trying to figure out whom I want to make out with, but Charity and I are very different people because she is excited to see him. She even says she was worried that he wouldn’t be there to share this with her. I … do not like these vibes. I’m sorry, but the framing of the whole thing — the limo exit, the excited giggles, the dramatic music — this all plays like her brother is in love with her.
Nehemiah then reveals (to us, not to Charity) that he’s going to join the cocktail party IN DISGUISE AS A BARTENDER TO SNOOP ON THE MEN AND FIND OUT THEIR INTENTIONS. I hate this so much. He even says at one point that he feels weird listening to 10–12 guys talking about wanting to kiss his sister. YEAH, DUDE, THAT’S WHY YOU SHOULDN’T BE HERE.
Here’s the thing about this shtick: It’s insulting and infantilizing. Charity is a 27-year-old woman with a graduate degree. She’s entirely capable of making her own decisions about who she wants to date without her big brother’s input. She doesn’t need “an extra layer of protection,†as Nehemiah puts it. This whole thing is so gross.
He also, like, doesn’t really get any good gossip? Did he really think these guys were going to sidle up to the bartender and say, “Yeah, I’m only here to get more followers so I can grow my crypto business — follow me @bigm0neyd00d!†(Side note: This franchise’s obsession with “wrong reasons†is so played out at this point I don’t even want to talk about it until it inevitably becomes a major point of conflict among the contestants.)
The only thing Nehemiah can come up with is that Brayden seems cocky. Whew, okay, let’s get into it. At the cocktail party, Brayden and Charity bond over being cheated on and needing to set boundaries in relationships because they’re both too giving. I rolled my eyes so hard I gave myself a migraine during this conversation — we get it, you’ve been to therapy — but they are definitely vibing. Charity goes in for the kiss, and we get confessional footage of Brayden giddily describing the kiss. It’s gross, but in the way falling for someone is always gross to watch from the outside. They’re feeling it hard.
After Brayden heads back out to rejoin the rest of the men, he’s clearly excited and a little punch-drunk from the kiss (and drunk-drunk from alcohol, which should go without saying for everyone). I have to begrudgingly admit that it’s sweet to hear him talk about how much he likes her. Over at the bar, Nehemiah asks if anyone thinks that they’ll get the first impression rose, and Brayden says that he does; he thinks their connection was really strong. This was a bad move — even if Charity’s brother weren’t secretly spying on him — but an understandable one. The feeling after a first kiss with someone you like is a really nice one! It’s a rookie mistake that is only applicable in this specific circumstance of filming a reality TV show in which your relationships with your fellow contestants are as important as your relationship with the lead, not a character flaw.
After this exchange, Nehemiah reveals himself to the men — who are appropriately shocked for the cameras — and goes to tell Charity his findings. He says that a few guys were “skeptical of the process,†to which Charity immediately replies, “As they should be.†Yes, ma’am! She is right! This is a very silly thing to do! But then he tells her that Brayden “was so bold to say he might get a rose.†Dude, you asked! You are intentionally misrepresenting what happened! I hate when this show makes me go to bat for people who I don’t actually like. Brayden is grating and kind of eyeroll-y, but it’s not a crime to be happy that the pretty girl kissed him! You can’t penalize the guy for reading the room correctly!
But y’all, as much as I hated this whole brother dynamic, what happens next is why I love this show and am so excited for Charity as Bachelorette. She comes into the room where the men are gathered and asks to speak to Brayden. Everyone knows that Nehemiah talked about him and assumes he’s getting axed. But Charity is smart and well-adjusted despite all of this nonsense. She tells Brayden that he was right about everything, that they were vibing and she was going to give him the first impression rose. She says that she wants a man who talks about how excited he is about her. It was in this moment that I remembered Charity is a therapist.
(I should note that Xavier and Aaron B. also get smooches during the cocktail party; Aaron went in for his kiss, while Xavier’s was initiated by Charity.)
After that expert deescalation, we head to the rose ceremony. Aaron B., John, Xavier, Joey, Caleb B., Warwick, Aaron S., Caleb A., Adrian, James, Sean, Michael, Tanner, Dotun, Kaleb K., John Henry, Josh, and Spencer get roses. I don’t even remember who leaves without roses because we didn’t get our tearful (but mostly tired and hung-over) confessionals in the blazing morning sun. It’s gotta sting for the guys who had less screen time than Charity’s weird brother and didn’t even get the dignity of an exit package.
In the “This Season … on The Bachelorette†teaser, we get the classics. Romance! Travel! Tears! Drama! Oh no, she’s in love with more than one person! Brayden wears MULTIPLE stupid earrings and no one seems to like him. I really hope they don’t make me defend this jabroni again. I would rather just watch the nice boys cry!