This week, the Bachelor mansion is terrorized by a home invader. At least it’s the fun kind of home invader. First-ever Bachelorette Trista Sutter lets herself right in and strolls into the living room. Trista — who after 20 years is still happily married to Ryan, the contestant she selected as her winner-husband — advises the women to be themselves.
Theresa — who, in the episode’s opening moments, demonstrated her go-to exercise routine, sort of half-heartedly punching the air at random, uppercutting ghosts whose presence has only been made known to her — says she wants to get along better with Kathy. And yet the evil witch hiding in the ditch behind a northbound rest stop on the Jersey Turnpike who cursed Theresa’s tongue to waggle forever is not finished with her just yet.
“I got the first date!†she chirps at Trista, like a first-grader so desperate to tell you about the badly executed craft they made in school today that every moment until they can unburden themselves is utter torture. “We drove in a convertible!â€
The group date card summons everyone but Leslie (“If I stood, I’d fall,†she says of her excitement when she realizes she’s in for a one-on-one date, which is very sweet) to play pickleball. Gerry is genuinely excited that they get to indulge in his favorite pastime, which seems like a lot more fun than standing around at rose ceremonies past your bedtime till your back hurts to expressly make people you care about cry. Playing pickleball would be a big part of their lives together, so these ladies better bring it.
April hits the ball into her face and then trips dramatically to the ground, whimpering over her ankle. Gerry comes valiantly to her rescue, sitting beside her and fussing over her. “Actually, I am totally fine,†she says as she winks at the camera — pro move, no notes.
They split into teams of two (in cute matching tennis dresses) for a pickleball tournament, with the winning doubles team to be featured in a pickleball magazine with Gerry. I briefly worry that my brain is broken because, at first, it sounds like Jesse Palmer is saying they’ll be photographed for “in Pickleball Magazine†with a stutter, but only after the, like, third go-round do I come to understand that the publication is called InPickleball Magazine and so therefore they’ll appear in InPickleball. Rolls right off the tongue! On hand to help with judging is the soon-to-be-coronated next Bachelor (le dauphin!), tennis pro Joey Graziadei. (“Joey could be my son, and I’m here for Gerry, but you always have to have a plan B,†Kathy says.)
Generally speaking, what these (mostly) newly minted pickleball players lack in skill they make up for in enthusiasm. Jesse points out that Sandra — who’s more than holding her own — has two artificial knees and is currently missing her daughter’s wedding, ailments you usually don’t hear about from players on the IR list. Also injured is a random civilian woman standing on the sidelines of the game to cheer them on who gets hit by a stray ball. Your sacrifice in the name of Bachelor Nation will not be forgotten, ma’am.
Ellen, who plays four times a week back home as captain of her pickleball team, gets some good shots in and earns a few flirtatious winks from Gerry. She and Kathy ultimately claim the trophy and two consecutive smooches from the Gatch.
During a post-pickleball after-party, after mutually struggling to figure out the phone for a few seconds, Gerry and Sandra FaceTime her daughter (who I’d hope to see in full bridal glam but just looks normal; maybe that’s time zones for you). She gets the group-date rose in recognition of her own sacrifice in the name of Bachelor Nation.
Meanwhile, Theresa invites Kathy to chat with her about their “miscommunication.†She intends to apologize, yes, but also mainly to ask her for reassurance that she’s not mad at her. Kathy states her boundaries regarding hearing about Theresa’s time with Gerry as unambiguously as a map: “Please don’t tell me anything about what’s going on. That makes me anxious. That doesn’t work for me.â€
If there’s one thing I appreciate about this argument besides how often Kathy talks about zipping one’s lip, it’s that Kathy’s message isn’t Theresa is bad! Gerry must eliminate her! as is so often the implicit or explicit goal of these reality-TV squabbles. Instead, Kathy says, “I think she could be the one for Gerry.†It’s just that she’s really annoying to coexist with in the meantime. Sweet, kind of!
As Theresa continues to equivocate, Kathy tries another tactic. “I have to tell you something: Gerry and I had a private date last night, and he’s going to send you home,†she informs Theresa in an amazingly chaotic (and fictitious) instructional example of what not to do. Theresa insists she’d be fine hearing that because she’s open-minded, and all she wants is for Gerry to be with the best person, despite the fact that it was her compulsion to squawk about her insecurities that led us to this place to start with. “Can I just give you some friendly advice?†Kathy asks-slash-tells, “Zip it.â€
A little later, Gerry checks in with Theresa about her reflections on what’s happened between her and Kathy. As she tells it, she was just sharing her experiences in a way that felt natural and has since tried to be really nice, only for Kathy to start shouting, “Snip it! Just snip it!†(Surely the worst part of this is that Kathy’s catchphrase, Zip it™, is so thoughtlessly misquoted.) Gerry is “disappointed†by this “disturbance,†and though Kathy does her best to defend herself (“I’m not a villain here!†said no one who was about to win the reality show that they’re on), it’s clear that the damage is done.
An SUV drops Leslie off all alone on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. Exactly half a second after I start wondering if this could be a cruel prank, Gerry rides up in an ATV. They zoom around for a while, stressing out both Leslie and me (if the headlights in Gerry’s convertible weren’t working, who knows the last time these four-wheelers were properly inspected?), first separately and then with Leslie riding behind Gerry, her arms wrapped tightly around him.
The twice-divorced single mom has been hurt and abandoned before, she says, never having had a “true partnership.†But Gerry? He’s like if you went around grave-robbing a bunch of cemeteries where wonderful men were buried and then Frankensteined together all their best qualities. (She expresses this in a more romantic way, but you get the picture.)
They climb into a hot tub, also in the middle of the field (I forgot how much I missed the Bachelor franchise’s commitment to placing hot tubs where they absolutely do not belong, in defiance of the laws of nature), and the Gatch only now reveals he’s got a lion tattoo on his right shoulder. In my business, we call this burying the lede. I’m going to need a full accounting of your ink, sir, like yesterday. He gives her a rose that miraculously does not wilt amid all the steam, even as they immediately pivot hard into making out.
Back at the house, some of the other women play Never Have I Ever with scoops of ice cream. We learn that April has kissed another woman’s husband; Susan has been with another woman sexually; basically, everyone who was ever born but Kathy has had sex in the back of a car; both April and Sandra have had had sex “in a workplaceâ€; and also that Sandra is lactose intolerant, which in retrospect really imbues the whole proceedings with a new level of danger. Lo and behold, Sandra is soon sick in bed with an unspecified stomach issue, and her pickleball teammate Nancy is wearing a brace thanks to a stress fracture in her knee.
To Nancy’s immense credit, she takes Gerry aside (as gracefully as one can in a leg brace applied, like, an hour ago) and tells him she knows she isn’t one of his favorites, and that’s okay. Gerry doesn’t attempt to argue her out of it. She understands. They hug. She shuffles off into the sunset, with Disney-ABC hopefully planning on taking care of any follow-up medical expenses too, please.
Her self-dismissal is both an act of dignity and an act of mercy toward Gerry, who is only now comprehending his new level of “responsibility†toward these women and just how unpleasant a time they’re all in for with the inevitable breakups ahead.
Gerry has internalized a piece of wisdom that Trista shared with him: “Stop looking for the woman you can live with and start looking for the woman that you just can’t live without.†Apparently, our beloved Kirkland Signature Jenner is still in the running for the title of can’t live without. He gifts Susan a piece of rose quartz, a crystal associated with empathy and strength — qualities he believes she shares with his late wife. She’s very touched. They make out real … mouthily.
Ellen can’t remember the last time she felt like this about anyone; he’s reawakened a forgotten “spark†in her. She decides it’s time to put herself out there: She tells Gerry she’s falling in love with him. That’s the first L-bomb to drop all season, even if it’s in the form of a code-yellow “I’m falling in†and not a code-orange “I’ve fallen in†just yet. He kisses her in response, then tells her, “I’m in the same place.†Thrilled, Ellen can’t stop pecking him with kisses. “My heart runneth over,†she says in an interview. It’s truly adorable. If Ellen gets hurt, we ride (motorcycles, ATVs, hot-air balloons — your choice) at dawn.
At the rose ceremony, we learn we must part ways with our beloved Kathy and April — two beautiful souls who, if not quite meant for Gerry, have given so much to us entertainment-wise. We will always be grateful. In their honor, may we all zip it, then silently demonstrate the sexiest chicken dance we’re capable of.