We’re one week out from hometowns, and before that happens, the six women who remain will need to be whittled down to just three. Generally speaking, I love the faster pace of The Golden Bachelor — and I appreciate that we’ve spared these women the indignity that is the two-on-one date; they deserve so much better — but the fact that we’re already at this landmark moment is a little jarring. (Also, please read my profile of Gerry! I think you’ll like it! Okay, back to your regularly scheduled recap, bye!)
This week, we find most of Gerry’s gals in relatively high spirits, with four of them performing an aquarobics version of “Hava Nagila†in the pool. But Faith, sadly eating strawberries alone in the kitchen, is struggling with feelings of insecurity. She feels “tumultuous in [her] stomach,†and I briefly wonder if we’re about to pivot into some well-integrated Imodium spon-con.
Jesse Palmer, who I forgot, again, was a person (the Ann Veal of Bachelor Nation), shows up to announce that Faith will get this week’s one-on-one date. She is immediately a woman transformed, tossing a pillow in the air and screaming with excitement — it’s very Grandpa Joe sliding out of bed and dancing a jig in Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory, and I like it.
Because everything has to be a journey and a challenge and a metaphor and The Golden Bachelor can’t just let people relax and have a good time, Faith, despite being afraid of heights, will be joining Gerry on a helicopter ride. She grips his arm tightly, and he reassures her, “I gotcha, babe,†which is cute. She thereafter seems magically no longer afraid of heights at all, or is possibly distracted enough by their repeated smooching to make it a nonissue.
They fly past mountains (picturesque), freeways (less so), the Hollywood sign, and skyscrapers. They even buzz by the mansion. “I hate you,†Susan warmly calls up to the sky. I love Susan. The helicopter lands on a yacht, and Faith repeatedly shrieks with delight, although, in fairness, she seems at least two-thirds as excited about the sight of an utterly unexceptional “cozy blanket†and a fruit plate a few minutes later. Gerry is equally wowed by this “magical,†“priceless,†“once in a lifetime†date.
I love this for them, I do, but it brings me back to a fundamental issue I have (one of, oh, I don’t know, 18,000) with the Bachelor franchise. Wouldn’t it be a more effective matchmaking technique to put potential couples in the worst, most absolutely boring settings imaginable, like jointly doing temp work in an upsettingly lit, over-air-conditioned office? If your date is still good company even then, then that’s pretty telling. I could have a good time on a helicopter-yacht adventure with basically anyone, even a cardboard cutout of a man, and I might still make out with him, too.
Gerry says his attraction to Faith has grown beyond his initial infatuation with her physical beauty. He’s been so wowed by her musical talent and “the motorcycle thing,†but most of all, that “warm soft look†in her eyes. If Gerry’s romantic partner ever gets her pupils dilated by her optometrist, it will surely be one of the greatest days of his life.
Faith shares that she had a “hard childhood,†even experiencing homelessness as a teen. She was previously drawn to emotionally unhealthy men as a result of her trauma, but Gerry is so different, so special. She feels like her vulnerability has been used against her in previous relationships, but he promises, “That will never happen with me.†Sweet.
“You’re as beautiful as this rose,†he tells her as he offers one to her. For most Bachelors, it would be the best line they say all season, but for Gerry, it is C-plus material at best. She accepts it. They then climb into a hot tub, in accordance with California state law. “This is heaven,†Faith shouts, though when she excitedly recounts the experience to the other women later, she unintentionally makes the “boiling†water sound like something out of a Saw movie. She’s falling in love with him, she tells the camera. “I think she could be the one,†he tells the camera.
(Ellen, meanwhile, is a little envious. “I was fine up until the hot tub. Hot tub on The Bachelor is serious.†A student of the game!)
For the last group date, Gerry wants them each to unleash their “inner child†at the Santa Monica Pier. The whole gang plays midway games like Whac-A-Mole and the ring toss, and they gamely risk cervical spine injury on the bumper cars. They even a ride a roller coaster, and in case you did not see what they were going for there, the editors were sure to time it to a clip of Theresa describing her “roller-coaster ride of emotions.†Levels!
The last time Theresa told a man she was falling in love with him, it was her husband, and that was 52 years ago. She takes Gerry aside to sit on a bench between two bushes near an industrial fan and says that she wants him to meet her family, that she can’t live without him, and that she’s falling in love. It’s clear that the Kathy Krisis did not dampen his affection for her, either. They make out on the Ferris wheel — not quite as exciting as PDA on a yacht-bound helicopter, but definitely better than, I don’t know, heavy petting on a golf cart with a flat tire.
Ever since Gerry took Faith on their extra-high-production-value date, Leslie has been in her feelings. She’s triggered by memories of past relationships when she was cheated on; even though the Gatchy isn’t doing anything wrong, the painful associations persist. They sit together and he consoles her, holding her as she cries. He tells her how much joy he experienced during their ATV date, and how “protective†he felt looking back over his shoulder to check on her. “Nobody does that for me,†she says. “I will,†he says. Holding back tears emoji holding back tears emoji holding back tears emoji.
On another note, I’m so amused by the soundboard that is Gerry’s thoughtful, diplomatic, noncommittal responses to these women dramatically expressing their devotion to him (he can’t tip his hand just yet!). Case in point:
Leslie: “I’m crazy about you.â€
Gerry: “Thanks for that!â€
There is one notable exception, though. After Leslie tells him she’s falling in love with him, he whispers, “You’re my girl.†Wow! That certainly feels … significant. But from an editing perspective, it’s almost too much of a giveaway if he now goes on to pick Leslie in the end? And so, here’s my current prediction: He’ll feel extremely fucking bad that he said this to Leslie but will ultimately choose one of the other two women. (Does my FanDuel Sportsbook app have a Bachelor section yet?)
And that leaves Ellen. Well, it also leaves Sandra and Susan, who, despite being totally delightful, are clearly not seriously in the running at this point, given neither of them have had a one-on-one date. I hope they are milking production’s cotton-candy budget for all its worth and generally having a great time.
Ellen — who tearfully admits in an interview that she might not just be falling, but actually in love with the Gatch — is “nauseous†looking at the rose, she wants it so bad. They ride the roller coaster together and she tells him how much they have in common, how he can’t wait for him to meet her best friend Roberta — RIP :( — and her whole family. “I can’t wait to be a teammate with you,†she says. Hit another button on the Gerry soundboard: “That touches me deeply to hear you say that. I feel it so much.â€
Collectively, this is the most tears that have been shed at an amusement park without the involvement of either (a) a missing child or (b) a catastrophic Tilt-a-Whirl accident. Gerry is so overwhelmed by the decision ahead of him that he decides not to give out a group-date rose at all — he needs another day to think it over.
At the rose ceremony, the first rose goes to Leslie, who closes her eyes and breathes a sigh of relief. “Oh my God,†Ellen mutters to herself. “Oh God,†Theresa mutters to herself.
Knitting his brows, on the verge of tears, Gerry gives away the last rose: It’s for Theresa.
“Oh my God, I’m going to faint,†Ellen whispers. He asks if he could walk her out. “I hope you stay positive, because that’s you,†he tells her. She cries, they hug, she kisses his hand as he closes the car door behind her. Though her heart may be broken, Ellen — newly optimistic about finding love — nevertheless calls this “one of the best experiences of [her] life.â€
Ugh. I like all of these women very much, but Ellen was my favorite by a mile. May her Golden Bachelorette campaign begin in earnest.