We have less Sister Edith and more Elizabeth this week, which is excellent. If I wanted to see disaffected peasants, I’d watch a video of me and my wife staring at our grocery bill. We’re not out here watching depressing documentaries in these very upsetting times. We’re watching Love Island. (Why did Rob choose those overalls?) This is how I prefer to occupy my thoughts. This is why it was so delightful to see so many scenes with Minnie Driver playing her deranged but brilliant Elizabeth I. I’ve gotten so sick of seeing sympathetic portrayals of Mary, Queen of Scots, where Elizabeth mopes in a corner over not having children. Here, Elizabeth does not give one single fuck about kids and is here to take over France and have French noblemen go down on her.
All of this comes as a surprise to the Bourbons, who think Elizabeth is in the Netherlands. But no, she’s at court as a prospective bride for Charles. Again, this is made-up nonsense, but we shouldn’t care. Elizabeth chatting with Catherine de’ Medici is my Wattpad One Direction fanfic. Catherine is determined to make this marriage happen to further her goal of uniting France and ensuring peace.
At risk of ruining that goal is Cardinal de Guise, who was baptized by Sister Edith last week and now agrees to spy for her at court. I don’t know how effective of a spy he can be when everyone is like, “Oh hey, the cardinal got baptized by Protestants and probably can’t be trusted now.†Also, he’s being super off-putting in that particular way recent converts can be. He tries to convince his brother François to go see Sister Edith.
The cardinal’s switch to the other side is so widely known that the creepy Catholic League pays Antoinette a visit and tells her to get her son’s shit in order. Antoinette passes this message on to François, underlining that their brand represents the Catholic aristocracy and that the cardinal better not screw that up with his “spiritual awakening†and “discovery of meaning in his life.â€
All that happens with the famed Sister Edith this week is she asks the cardinal to spy, as mentioned, and gets in a fight with Montmorency when he tells her that she is confusing God’s voice with the voice in her head and that that never ends well. It’s so true! Although telling her so may have burned a bridge. No one who thinks God is speaking to them wants to be told “No, that’s just your thoughts, Steve.†Steve isn’t going to be like, “Oh, wow, thank you for that information.â€
Elizabeth sweeps into the French court with Throckmorton at her side. The music is killing it here. The Guises are asked for an opinion on the Elizabeth/Charles pairing, and Antoinette mentions her concern for Mary, Queen of Scots. Throckmorton says if France gives Calais back to England, they can maybe come to an arrangement regarding Mary. Elizabeth did really want Calais back! Even though it made zero sense why it should be part of England. Elizabeth and Anjou verbally spar in one of my favorite moments, and Catherine invites Elizabeth on a hunt.
Before said hunt, Louis visits Elizabeth because his feelings are hurt and he thought they had something. Elizabeth tells him that she’ll marry Charles, live in England, and Louis can “mind the store,†i.e., France. Then she throws open her skirts and tells him to make himself useful. Again, teenage me would have hated this.
At the hunt, we are finally treated to the owl headdress the show has been previewing in season images for months. It’s truly the reason I am here. Elizabeth is on a horse wearing a bird headdress with distinctively owlish characteristics. And pulling it off, I might add. OWL HAT. Elizabeth makes a bet with Catherine that whoever gets the biggest deer can set the terms of the marriage. Okey dokey. Charles falls off his horse after Catherine sees a crow eating a snake in front of a nest of broken eggs. An embarrassingly obvious metaphor once Cosimo Ruggieri tells us the raven is a symbol for England! So now we’re likely going to lose another de’ Medici kid, which, if we do, leaves us with Anjou and Margot. This is very “five little monkeys jumping on the bed†vibes, down to three and possibly two.
Side note: Alessandro chats with Rahima and tells her that the Earth is not flat, which is surprising news for her. This scene is perpetuating some more ahistorical nonsense, but it’s fine. Actually, you know what? Not fine. This is the late 16th century, by which time people were very aware of a non-flat Earth. Scientists weren’t burned by the Church for saying that. Scientists got in trouble for saying the Earth revolves around the sun, which is different. Anyway, I am not pro–Alessandro and Rahima. Rahima’s too good for him and his pandering talk of being free and teaching her things she already knows. Later she tells Catherine that Alessandro is maybe stealing money from the Tuileries project, which he admits to Rahima, and then they presumably bang. Booooooo.
As we wrap up, Catherine awakens to find some witchcraft stick art on the pillow next to her, and when she rides all the way out to the forest to confront Ruggieri, being all, “What the fuck is this?†and he says it’s “a warning.†What?? You think she’s in trouble, so you get someone to sneak in witch twigs, an item she doesn’t understand anyway? Couldn’t you have sent her a message saying “Hey, come see me in the forest?†This is so weird, Cosimo. Anyway, Catherine is super mad when he tells her she is surrounded by traitors and doesn’t get it, and she tells him to GTFO. An owl flies after her. Elizabeth!!
Transformed back into her human form (for anyone not watching the show, Elizabeth cannot transform into an owl; it’s not a My Lady Jane situation), Elizabeth goads Anjou and Charles into fencing each other. Catherine threatens Anjou to let Charles win, even though Charles is a little droopy since getting thrown from that horse. Anjou tries to give the victory to Charles, even after Charles calls him a pretty nasty slur, but “a little droopy†turns into “full-on passed out,†and as Catherine leans over him, Charles coughs blood into a handkerchief. Catherine assures everyone that he’s fine, he’s fine. Fin!! Wait, so is Anjou going to be king now?